Work is overrated Pips it really is especially when I have no opportunity to pursue my passion for stationery. I miss it, I really do.
‘It wasn’t there on Friday George’.
Can you hand in your notice and get another job where they have an opening for a stationery manager such as myself?
‘It must be a Banksy’.
Just say ‘I resign you tosser’ and then we will be free.
‘Peeing on it was unnecessary George...’.
I felt a sudden urge to add my own contribution Pips. That is all. If Banksy can paint the wall so can I.
‘This is what I love about London George. You never know what’s going to turn up next’.
Pips Pips! I’ve just had a terrific idea! Perhaps I can be a street artist like Banksy. I could be known simply as Georgy.
‘This last walk of the day is always my favourite....’
You’re not listening to me as usual are you?
‘just before bedtime when the air is still and the streets are quiet/’
Apart from the sirens on Upper Street.
‘and the windows are lit up and we can look into people’s living rooms’
Or their basement kitchens in my case actually.
‘and there’s no-one around except me and you’.
And the crocuses are coming ou/
‘GEORGE NO! Don’t bite the head off the flowers!’
I AM NOT PIPS. I WAS JUST SMELLING IT!
‘Ssssh George, it’s late. Some people are trying to sleep’.
You should have thought about that before you shouted at me.
‘I don’t trust you around plants anymore. Not since you started digging up bulbs’.
But they are only bulbs Pips. I would never harm the pretty flowers. They smell of spring. They do!
‘Oh look George. There’s a plane passing in front of the moon. Can you see it?’
I can Pips yes.
‘You know what? I think it’s time we flew away again somewhere’.
Really? That would be terrific!
‘Where would you like to go?’
We could go to Barcelona again. I would very much like to meet up with Conchita/
‘How about Italy?’
Freddie says Italy is full of lovely girls too/
‘Terry knows of some hotels that would take you’.
so I would be thrilled to go there also.
‘Or is that a bit sad? Just another obvious distraction’.
What do you mean?
‘Oh George sometimes I think life is just a series of distractions to keep the loneliness at bay’.
I don’t see what that has to do with going on holiday.
‘Or maybe that’s just me. Do you ever feel lonely George?’
Only when you don’t listen to me. Which is most/
‘I always think that if I was in a relationship/’
No don’t get started on that Pips don’t get started!
‘it would be different. But then you see these couples in restaurants sitting through a whole meal without saying a word to each other so....... then again, if anyone overheard me talking to you they’d probably thank God they’re not me’.
Why would they do that?
‘I’ve suddenly gone on a Sunday evening downer thinking about work tomorrow George’.
Don’t think about it Pips. Put some music on. It will make you feel better.
‘I need some music. Let’s play some music’.
You listened to me Pips! You listened to me!
‘What do you feel like?’
I feel like Renee Fleming but as you still haven’t bought a CD of hers/
‘What about something jazzy?’
I think I feel like......
‘Or something pop-y?’
No I think I feel like/
‘Or something more....?
I think I very much feel like Enrique Iglesias Pips.
‘Oh look George! My old Roxy Music CD. Let’s listen to this. I’m putting this on............ I haven’t played it in ages’.
It’s not one of those ones that’s going to bring back memories and make you teary is it?
‘This is my favourite song George. Listen to this..... I’m turning it up really loud.... ‘
Not too loud Pips.
‘I love this...’
People are trying to sleep.
‘Come on George. Let’s dance and forget about Monday’.
I’m dancing Pips, I’m dancing...
Wednesday
Ninety Nine
How about ‘The Good Girl’ with the very gorgeous Jennifer Aniston?
‘Oh God George we need to make a decision and get home or the supper will be burnt!’
That is not my fault. Why do you always put it in the oven before we come here Pips? You know how it is. You can never make a decision in less than half an evening.
‘Quick, let’s hurry up’.
What about ‘Cleopatra’ with the one and only Elizabeth Taylor?
‘What sort of thing do you feel like this evening?’
She doesn’t know.
‘Sorry?’
She never knows.
‘What do you feel like?’
‘Oh I don’t know...’
See? I told you. She’s always like this. Always always always always always...
‘All the new releases have been moved to the shelf over there’.
‘Oh I didn’t see that. How did I miss that? George you’re standing in the middle of the shop as usual. Can you just move... so people don’t have to walk around you’.
Not really Pips because I won’t be able to see all the titles. What about ‘The Wedding Planner’ with the very wonderful Jennifer Lopez?
‘George please come and watch the film’.
I’m not interested Pips. You always choose films with nobody very
wonderful in them.
‘Or if you’re not going to watch it can you at least sit down quietly and be good’.
Not really because I have things to do.
‘What are you up to over there?’
A little early spring-cleaning of my bookshelf if you don’t mind.
‘It’s really off-putting trying to watch a film with you rummaging around’.
Well you should have thought of that before you rejected all my suggestions. I was looking forward to our DVD evening but I have had enough of your choices I really have.
‘Are you sure you don’t want to join me? You’re supposed to be my hot water bottle for our film evenings’.
Well you are supposed to be leaving enough room in the bookshelf for me. It is not supposed to be a dumping ground for all your self help books.
‘George don’t/
Grrrrrrrrrr grrrrrrrrrrrr
‘George no leave it! Come over here and cuddle up with me and watch this film’.
Phone Pips! The phone is ringing!
‘Bloody hell. Who is that now?’
How would I know?
‘Hello?.... Oh hi Abbie, how are you?.... No no it’s fine, I’m just watching Michael Clayton on DVD but George is putting me off..... ‘
‘Are you putting everything back in that shelf? I’m getting out of the bath in a minute and I want everything back in that shelf George including your horrible chewed-up bone and the blanket, I mean it. ..... What a disrupted evening...... I didn’t follow that film at all thanks to you. You had the whole afternoon to make a mess but no, you wait until the evening when all I want to do is watch a film....... You know it makes me realise how small my life has become. I don’t do anything anymore. I was always going to the Screen on the Green before I got you. I went to concerts and galleries ..... I used to be out all the time. I suppose it doesn’t matter because life changes but...... Perhaps Terry will come to the cinema with me one night and Will can look after you and Freddie........ OK I’m getting out of the bath now and I want to see everything back in that shelf, OK George? Where is my towel......? I’m coming..... coming.........’
‘I know you do this on purpose to annoy me George, I know you do. Wake up! This is my bed. Mine! And the least you can do having emptied the entire bookshelf is sleep in it. Now move. Go on...... OK I’m moving you....’
‘Oh God George we need to make a decision and get home or the supper will be burnt!’
That is not my fault. Why do you always put it in the oven before we come here Pips? You know how it is. You can never make a decision in less than half an evening.
‘Quick, let’s hurry up’.
What about ‘Cleopatra’ with the one and only Elizabeth Taylor?
‘What sort of thing do you feel like this evening?’
She doesn’t know.
‘Sorry?’
She never knows.
‘What do you feel like?’
‘Oh I don’t know...’
See? I told you. She’s always like this. Always always always always always...
‘All the new releases have been moved to the shelf over there’.
‘Oh I didn’t see that. How did I miss that? George you’re standing in the middle of the shop as usual. Can you just move... so people don’t have to walk around you’.
Not really Pips because I won’t be able to see all the titles. What about ‘The Wedding Planner’ with the very wonderful Jennifer Lopez?
‘George please come and watch the film’.
I’m not interested Pips. You always choose films with nobody very
wonderful in them.
‘Or if you’re not going to watch it can you at least sit down quietly and be good’.
Not really because I have things to do.
‘What are you up to over there?’
A little early spring-cleaning of my bookshelf if you don’t mind.
‘It’s really off-putting trying to watch a film with you rummaging around’.
Well you should have thought of that before you rejected all my suggestions. I was looking forward to our DVD evening but I have had enough of your choices I really have.
‘Are you sure you don’t want to join me? You’re supposed to be my hot water bottle for our film evenings’.
Well you are supposed to be leaving enough room in the bookshelf for me. It is not supposed to be a dumping ground for all your self help books.
‘George don’t/
Grrrrrrrrrr grrrrrrrrrrrr
‘George no leave it! Come over here and cuddle up with me and watch this film’.
Phone Pips! The phone is ringing!
‘Bloody hell. Who is that now?’
How would I know?
‘Hello?.... Oh hi Abbie, how are you?.... No no it’s fine, I’m just watching Michael Clayton on DVD but George is putting me off..... ‘
‘Are you putting everything back in that shelf? I’m getting out of the bath in a minute and I want everything back in that shelf George including your horrible chewed-up bone and the blanket, I mean it. ..... What a disrupted evening...... I didn’t follow that film at all thanks to you. You had the whole afternoon to make a mess but no, you wait until the evening when all I want to do is watch a film....... You know it makes me realise how small my life has become. I don’t do anything anymore. I was always going to the Screen on the Green before I got you. I went to concerts and galleries ..... I used to be out all the time. I suppose it doesn’t matter because life changes but...... Perhaps Terry will come to the cinema with me one night and Will can look after you and Freddie........ OK I’m getting out of the bath now and I want to see everything back in that shelf, OK George? Where is my towel......? I’m coming..... coming.........’
‘I know you do this on purpose to annoy me George, I know you do. Wake up! This is my bed. Mine! And the least you can do having emptied the entire bookshelf is sleep in it. Now move. Go on...... OK I’m moving you....’
Ninety Eight
‘Why is she in a bad mood?’
Because Sarkozy married Carla. Other people’s happiness makes her unhappy. Freddie look at me! Look what I can do!
‘What?’
Watch.....
‘We can all dig up a flowerbed George’.
No wait. I haven’t finished................. See? I can dig up bulbs Freddie. Let me just..... come on.... it’s coming now........ There!
‘What about the flowers?’
What flowers? They don’t mind. They haven’t come up yet. Look. I can dig up another one.
‘Careful George, you’ll get a smacked bottom’.
No I won’t. Pips doesn’t smack me. She never does. She shouts at me sometimes but that’s just because she is fed up with her single life and I am not a substitute for a man.
‘Pips might not smack you George but Terry will if he sees you. He is very fond of horticulture and he doesn’t like it when plants are ruin/
‘Oh no George no! How many times have I told you not to dig up
bulbs?’
Quite a few Pips but/
‘This is his latest game Terry...’
‘Hey! George! Stop that NOW!’
‘Uh oh. Terry’s coming over George’.
Hello Terry. Have you had the lowdown on the lovely Carla’s marriage/
‘Philippa has told you ‘no’’.
‘About a hundred times! He understands me perfectly well, I know he does’.
Yes I do but... no no don’t Terry!/ OW! OWOW!
That was naughty Terry. You should have let me explain myself before you smacked me besides which you shouldn’t blame others for things that are your own fault. You know very well Pips that when I am bored I get the urge to be destructive. I cannot help it. It is in my nature in the same way that it is in your nature Terry to fancy Will so I should not be punished for something that comes quite naturally to me and in fact is an automatic response to not being entertained or kept busy enough by you. You put my ball in your coat pocket this morning Pips saying ‘we’ll play your favourite game George’. That’s what you said. So I told Freddie when we met that we would be playing ‘Fetch’ this morning and he was very excited by the prospect. But did we? My arse! After a promise like that the least you could have done was throw the ball a couple of times just to show us that you still care. But no, that is too much for you right now because you’re more interested in President Sarkozy’s relationship with the lovely Carla which Freddie, incidentally, is also not interested in either, are you Freddie? No. But don’t mind us, oh no. We ask you politely but you sit there ignoring us on our first sunny Sunday morning in the gardens for ages/
‘Someone has put a lot of time and effort into planting out those beds George’.
‘So now you know what happens if you start digging them up in front of Terry, George’.
I am not interested in being preached at Pips if you don’t mind.
‘That’s why Freddie is so well-behaved. Because he has been brought up properly. Perhaps I’ve been too soft on you/’
‘Yes you have Philippa. You can’t let him dig up flowerbeds’.
And I don’t need to listen to you Terry I really don’t/
‘I try to tell him off’.
You’re not my owner so you should mind your own business.
‘Well we’ll see if a smacked bottom leaves any impression on his behaviour’.
Not really Terry because you more or less missed me actually so it hardly hurt at all. Hardly at all. It didn’t Pips. Honestly.
Because Sarkozy married Carla. Other people’s happiness makes her unhappy. Freddie look at me! Look what I can do!
‘What?’
Watch.....
‘We can all dig up a flowerbed George’.
No wait. I haven’t finished................. See? I can dig up bulbs Freddie. Let me just..... come on.... it’s coming now........ There!
‘What about the flowers?’
What flowers? They don’t mind. They haven’t come up yet. Look. I can dig up another one.
‘Careful George, you’ll get a smacked bottom’.
No I won’t. Pips doesn’t smack me. She never does. She shouts at me sometimes but that’s just because she is fed up with her single life and I am not a substitute for a man.
‘Pips might not smack you George but Terry will if he sees you. He is very fond of horticulture and he doesn’t like it when plants are ruin/
‘Oh no George no! How many times have I told you not to dig up
bulbs?’
Quite a few Pips but/
‘This is his latest game Terry...’
‘Hey! George! Stop that NOW!’
‘Uh oh. Terry’s coming over George’.
Hello Terry. Have you had the lowdown on the lovely Carla’s marriage/
‘Philippa has told you ‘no’’.
‘About a hundred times! He understands me perfectly well, I know he does’.
Yes I do but... no no don’t Terry!/ OW! OWOW!
That was naughty Terry. You should have let me explain myself before you smacked me besides which you shouldn’t blame others for things that are your own fault. You know very well Pips that when I am bored I get the urge to be destructive. I cannot help it. It is in my nature in the same way that it is in your nature Terry to fancy Will so I should not be punished for something that comes quite naturally to me and in fact is an automatic response to not being entertained or kept busy enough by you. You put my ball in your coat pocket this morning Pips saying ‘we’ll play your favourite game George’. That’s what you said. So I told Freddie when we met that we would be playing ‘Fetch’ this morning and he was very excited by the prospect. But did we? My arse! After a promise like that the least you could have done was throw the ball a couple of times just to show us that you still care. But no, that is too much for you right now because you’re more interested in President Sarkozy’s relationship with the lovely Carla which Freddie, incidentally, is also not interested in either, are you Freddie? No. But don’t mind us, oh no. We ask you politely but you sit there ignoring us on our first sunny Sunday morning in the gardens for ages/
‘Someone has put a lot of time and effort into planting out those beds George’.
‘So now you know what happens if you start digging them up in front of Terry, George’.
I am not interested in being preached at Pips if you don’t mind.
‘That’s why Freddie is so well-behaved. Because he has been brought up properly. Perhaps I’ve been too soft on you/’
‘Yes you have Philippa. You can’t let him dig up flowerbeds’.
And I don’t need to listen to you Terry I really don’t/
‘I try to tell him off’.
You’re not my owner so you should mind your own business.
‘Well we’ll see if a smacked bottom leaves any impression on his behaviour’.
Not really Terry because you more or less missed me actually so it hardly hurt at all. Hardly at all. It didn’t Pips. Honestly.
Ninety Seven
Dear Mariella
I have been living with Pips now for over two years and she has been very good to me generally despite the fact that I have to go into work with her every day and she works for a tosser but that is not her fault. However I made it very clear to her on the day we met, when she took me home, that I do not wish to travel on public transport. Despite this, she refuses to listen to me and on January 1st this year I felt it necessary to make just one very important New Year’s Resolution which was to not travel on public transport this year as I have had enough of it, I really have. The bendy buses in particular make me feel sick especially as there are not enough seats so we usually have to stand. But Pips insists on taking them and the other day she lost her temper with me Mariella. She picked me up, told me to shut up and yelled ‘I don’t care if you hate going on the bloody bus because we are getting on it and that is that!’ And then she shoved me under her arm like a cheap package and squeezed me so hard that I was unable to argue. She had been in a bad mood all afternoon since The Tosspot mentioned Valentine’s Day. Pips would very much like a boyfriend you see and just the mention of Valentine’s Day makes her depressed and angry. A little while ago she put herself on a dating website and she has had a few dates but they have all been tossers also. She has always made it clear to me that I am not a substitute for a partner which I find upsetting actually as she uses it to undermine me but the point is, as you can see, she is now taking her frustration out on me which is not fair. I would very much appreciate your advice Mariella, I really would.
Yours, George
PS. I am a dog.
Dear George
What an enterprising little dog you are! It is certainly not every day that I receive a letter from one of our canine friends and your concern for your owner (I am presuming Pips is your owner) is touching. It is a shame then that I struggle to sympathise with your situation. You don’t explain your aversion to public transport – apart from to mention that you often have to stand on the bus and the bendy buses make you feel sick. Join the club my friend! Millions of people travel by, and depend on, public transport every day and though it certainly has its shortcomings I can’t help wondering what makes you so special as to think that you can avoid it. The world does not revolve around you and your likes and dislikes! If I had a pound for every time I had to do something I didn’t particularly like I would be a rich woman by now and not writing this column every week. We all have to make compromises when we share our lives with others. It is understanding the necessity of this compromise that helps us to develop and mature as individuals. It seems to me that Pips has enough on her plate as a single working woman with a (perhaps) difficult boss without dealing with a tricksy little dog who makes a fuss over something as trivial as travelling by bus. When there are serious problems in the world demanding our urgent attention – climate change, poverty, AIDS, - to name but a few, I’m afraid I find your attitude spoilt and rather precious. Of course you are not a substitute for a partner (heaven forbid!) but I am very pleased to hear that Pips is actively taking the initiative to find that special person – as much to help her deal with you as anything else. Which brings me on to your infantile dismissal of everyone else in her life as a tosser. We would all like to get along with the partners of our friends and loved ones, as well as our bosses and everyone else, but disappointingly this cannot always be the case. Her boss may indeed be a tosser as may all her dates (although I rather doubt it) but whether you choose to support her in her search or not, her choice of partner is precisely that – her choice. One can only hope that her search is successful and leads her to find someone more mature and supportive than you.
Dear Mariella
I have thought about your response to my letter and I think you have a problem.
Yours, George
PS: I would be grateful if you would not refer to me as your friend because I am not.
‘George?’
Go away Mariella go away!
‘George wake up!’
I’m not listening!
‘We’ve got to get to Tesco’s before it closes’.
Pips?.... PIPS!
‘You were twitching in your sleep. Were you dreaming?’
I have been living with Pips now for over two years and she has been very good to me generally despite the fact that I have to go into work with her every day and she works for a tosser but that is not her fault. However I made it very clear to her on the day we met, when she took me home, that I do not wish to travel on public transport. Despite this, she refuses to listen to me and on January 1st this year I felt it necessary to make just one very important New Year’s Resolution which was to not travel on public transport this year as I have had enough of it, I really have. The bendy buses in particular make me feel sick especially as there are not enough seats so we usually have to stand. But Pips insists on taking them and the other day she lost her temper with me Mariella. She picked me up, told me to shut up and yelled ‘I don’t care if you hate going on the bloody bus because we are getting on it and that is that!’ And then she shoved me under her arm like a cheap package and squeezed me so hard that I was unable to argue. She had been in a bad mood all afternoon since The Tosspot mentioned Valentine’s Day. Pips would very much like a boyfriend you see and just the mention of Valentine’s Day makes her depressed and angry. A little while ago she put herself on a dating website and she has had a few dates but they have all been tossers also. She has always made it clear to me that I am not a substitute for a partner which I find upsetting actually as she uses it to undermine me but the point is, as you can see, she is now taking her frustration out on me which is not fair. I would very much appreciate your advice Mariella, I really would.
Yours, George
PS. I am a dog.
Dear George
What an enterprising little dog you are! It is certainly not every day that I receive a letter from one of our canine friends and your concern for your owner (I am presuming Pips is your owner) is touching. It is a shame then that I struggle to sympathise with your situation. You don’t explain your aversion to public transport – apart from to mention that you often have to stand on the bus and the bendy buses make you feel sick. Join the club my friend! Millions of people travel by, and depend on, public transport every day and though it certainly has its shortcomings I can’t help wondering what makes you so special as to think that you can avoid it. The world does not revolve around you and your likes and dislikes! If I had a pound for every time I had to do something I didn’t particularly like I would be a rich woman by now and not writing this column every week. We all have to make compromises when we share our lives with others. It is understanding the necessity of this compromise that helps us to develop and mature as individuals. It seems to me that Pips has enough on her plate as a single working woman with a (perhaps) difficult boss without dealing with a tricksy little dog who makes a fuss over something as trivial as travelling by bus. When there are serious problems in the world demanding our urgent attention – climate change, poverty, AIDS, - to name but a few, I’m afraid I find your attitude spoilt and rather precious. Of course you are not a substitute for a partner (heaven forbid!) but I am very pleased to hear that Pips is actively taking the initiative to find that special person – as much to help her deal with you as anything else. Which brings me on to your infantile dismissal of everyone else in her life as a tosser. We would all like to get along with the partners of our friends and loved ones, as well as our bosses and everyone else, but disappointingly this cannot always be the case. Her boss may indeed be a tosser as may all her dates (although I rather doubt it) but whether you choose to support her in her search or not, her choice of partner is precisely that – her choice. One can only hope that her search is successful and leads her to find someone more mature and supportive than you.
Dear Mariella
I have thought about your response to my letter and I think you have a problem.
Yours, George
PS: I would be grateful if you would not refer to me as your friend because I am not.
‘George?’
Go away Mariella go away!
‘George wake up!’
I’m not listening!
‘We’ve got to get to Tesco’s before it closes’.
Pips?.... PIPS!
‘You were twitching in your sleep. Were you dreaming?’
Ninety Six
‘No I didn’t’.
Yes you did.
‘No I didn’t’.
YES YOU DID.
‘George leave the cat alone’.
But it’s on my path.
‘It’s not your path you little mongrel’.
I AM NOT A MONGREL!
‘George stop snapping at the cat. Come on’.
But it stuck its tongue out at me.
‘No I didn’t’.
Yes you did.
‘George come on’.
It did Pips.
‘Or we’ll be catching the bus to work and you know how overjoyed you’ll be then’.
I don’t mind being late for work Pips. And I am not taking public transport this year in case you’ve forgotten which brings me back to Paris. Why can we not fly there? There really is no need to take the Eurostar. None at all.
‘He’s a playboy!’
‘Hi Philippa, I’m back. Talking about me again?’
No Simon but she could have been you tosser.
‘Bloody awful meeting. Who are you on the phone to?’
‘Mahinder’.
No she’s not. She’s on the phone to Eurostar. We are thinking of going to Paris for the weekend so there.
‘I’ll be in my office. Just got to make a call’.
We don’t care what you’re doing Simon actually, do we Pips?
‘I’m just going to close the door’.
‘OK....... We know what that means don’t we George?’
He’ll be calling Stephie.
‘He’s calling Stephanie’.
He’ll be talking dirty won’t he Pips?
‘For God’s sake how much longer am I going to have to/ Hello?....’
Have you got through?
‘Hello?....... Oh. I thought for a moment I had got through to someone. Anyway what was I saying? Oh yes. I mean he hasn’t been President for two minutes. Don’t tell me he’s got his mind on the job’.
I wouldn’t have my mind on the job if I had met the very lovely Carla.
‘He’s ruined his reputation before he’s made it’.
Only with you Pips because you’re bitter about these sorts of things.
‘He’s barely divorced his wife! He’s behaving like an adolescent. A teenager is running France! Hello? Oh hello. Sorry, I didn’t realise...
I just want to know if I can take my dog on the Eurostar ......... Yes I do still want to go there despite that.....’.
I’ve been chipped and I have a passport and a special travelling crate which is a bit small but/
‘Really? Why is that?’
Why is what Pips?
‘Right. Is that likely to change or.....? No. OK well... No, no that’s all. Yes. Thanks. Bye......... I can’t take you on the Eurostar George. Dogs aren’t allowed’.
Why not?
‘Philippa?’
We’re busy Simon. With very much more important things than you and I thought you were calling Stephanie.
‘Any ideas what I can get Steph for Valentine’s Day?’
‘You could get her an engagement ring’.
‘It just came out George’.
Why won’t they allow me on the Eurostar Pips?
‘I can’t believe I said it’.
It is blatant discrimination.
‘I must be more horrible than I thought’.
We will just have to fly to Paris now.
‘I’m becoming nasty and facetious about other people’s relationships...’.
At least it means I won’t need to disappoint myself by breaking my New Year’s resolution/
‘I don’t want to be reminded about Valentine’s Day’.
so I am thrilled.
‘I hate it. OK George it’s starting to rain. I don’t want an argument, we’re catching the bus home’.
But Pips/
‘And I’m carrying you so/’
PIPS NO! NO PIPS! I HAVE MADE A NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION!
‘You can make as much noise as you want but/’
PUT ME DOWN PIPS!
‘George you’re scratching me!’
PUT ME DOWN PIPS PUT ME DOWN!
‘George...? Right that’s it!.... GEORGE SHUT UP! I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR TANTRUMS EVERY TIME WE CATCH A BUS. YOU HEAR ME? ENOUGH! THAT’S ENOUGH! I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN AND I DONT CARE HOW MUCH YOU HATE THE BUS. OK? I DON’T CARE! IT’S BEEN A SHITTY DAY AND I WANT TO GET HOME SO WE ARE GETTING ON THIS BLOODY BUS AND THAT’S THAT!’
OK Pips.
Pips? May I make a suggestion?..... No. OK then.
Yes you did.
‘No I didn’t’.
YES YOU DID.
‘George leave the cat alone’.
But it’s on my path.
‘It’s not your path you little mongrel’.
I AM NOT A MONGREL!
‘George stop snapping at the cat. Come on’.
But it stuck its tongue out at me.
‘No I didn’t’.
Yes you did.
‘George come on’.
It did Pips.
‘Or we’ll be catching the bus to work and you know how overjoyed you’ll be then’.
I don’t mind being late for work Pips. And I am not taking public transport this year in case you’ve forgotten which brings me back to Paris. Why can we not fly there? There really is no need to take the Eurostar. None at all.
‘He’s a playboy!’
‘Hi Philippa, I’m back. Talking about me again?’
No Simon but she could have been you tosser.
‘Bloody awful meeting. Who are you on the phone to?’
‘Mahinder’.
No she’s not. She’s on the phone to Eurostar. We are thinking of going to Paris for the weekend so there.
‘I’ll be in my office. Just got to make a call’.
We don’t care what you’re doing Simon actually, do we Pips?
‘I’m just going to close the door’.
‘OK....... We know what that means don’t we George?’
He’ll be calling Stephie.
‘He’s calling Stephanie’.
He’ll be talking dirty won’t he Pips?
‘For God’s sake how much longer am I going to have to/ Hello?....’
Have you got through?
‘Hello?....... Oh. I thought for a moment I had got through to someone. Anyway what was I saying? Oh yes. I mean he hasn’t been President for two minutes. Don’t tell me he’s got his mind on the job’.
I wouldn’t have my mind on the job if I had met the very lovely Carla.
‘He’s ruined his reputation before he’s made it’.
Only with you Pips because you’re bitter about these sorts of things.
‘He’s barely divorced his wife! He’s behaving like an adolescent. A teenager is running France! Hello? Oh hello. Sorry, I didn’t realise...
I just want to know if I can take my dog on the Eurostar ......... Yes I do still want to go there despite that.....’.
I’ve been chipped and I have a passport and a special travelling crate which is a bit small but/
‘Really? Why is that?’
Why is what Pips?
‘Right. Is that likely to change or.....? No. OK well... No, no that’s all. Yes. Thanks. Bye......... I can’t take you on the Eurostar George. Dogs aren’t allowed’.
Why not?
‘Philippa?’
We’re busy Simon. With very much more important things than you and I thought you were calling Stephanie.
‘Any ideas what I can get Steph for Valentine’s Day?’
‘You could get her an engagement ring’.
‘It just came out George’.
Why won’t they allow me on the Eurostar Pips?
‘I can’t believe I said it’.
It is blatant discrimination.
‘I must be more horrible than I thought’.
We will just have to fly to Paris now.
‘I’m becoming nasty and facetious about other people’s relationships...’.
At least it means I won’t need to disappoint myself by breaking my New Year’s resolution/
‘I don’t want to be reminded about Valentine’s Day’.
so I am thrilled.
‘I hate it. OK George it’s starting to rain. I don’t want an argument, we’re catching the bus home’.
But Pips/
‘And I’m carrying you so/’
PIPS NO! NO PIPS! I HAVE MADE A NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION!
‘You can make as much noise as you want but/’
PUT ME DOWN PIPS!
‘George you’re scratching me!’
PUT ME DOWN PIPS PUT ME DOWN!
‘George...? Right that’s it!.... GEORGE SHUT UP! I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR TANTRUMS EVERY TIME WE CATCH A BUS. YOU HEAR ME? ENOUGH! THAT’S ENOUGH! I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN AND I DONT CARE HOW MUCH YOU HATE THE BUS. OK? I DON’T CARE! IT’S BEEN A SHITTY DAY AND I WANT TO GET HOME SO WE ARE GETTING ON THIS BLOODY BUS AND THAT’S THAT!’
OK Pips.
Pips? May I make a suggestion?..... No. OK then.
Ninety Five
‘Oh George there’s an article in the December Vogue here about Jack Russells’.
I am still not talking to you Pips.
‘Apparently you are the most fashionable breed at the moment’.
‘My New Year’s Resolutions by George...'
‘And the dog of choice amongst A list celebrities’.
No in fact I think this year George is going to make only one resolution.
‘Heidi Klum has one’.
‘My One New Year’s Resolution by George'...
‘George?’
I, George, hereby resolve not to travel on Public Transport at all this year.
‘Are you listening to me?’
The number 38 bus will be history this year for George.
‘It says ‘this feisty little terrier is small enough to tuck under your arm’/’
Yes it will. As will all tubes and trains.
‘which is why it is so popular’.
But I will make an exception for planes as I would very much like to go abroad again this year I really would.
‘Tuck under your arm. Yes right. Every time I pick you up you throw a fit. This is what irritates me about these articles. They’re such a load of bollocks’.
I would prefer it if you didn’t use language like that actually Pips if you don’t mind.
‘They’ll write any old rubbish to sell something as a fashion accessory’.
Perhaps we could go back to Barcelona. Conchita was such a lovely girl.
‘Hey you know what I was thinking George? That we should go to Paris for a weekend’.
Paris?!
‘Just you and me. What do you think?’
That would be terrific Pips! I would be thrilled.
‘Now that the Eurostar comes into St Pancras it’s too easy. It’s just a walk down the road’.
Eurostar?
‘We could book ourselves into a cheap hotel and hop on the train one Friday evening after work’.
I don’t believe this.
‘and go for walks in the Tuilleries/
I DO NOT BELIEVE THIS!
‘and take a stroll down by the Seine/.....’
Don’t do this to me Pips. DO NOT DO THIS TO ME!
‘Sssh now George. What’s the matter?’
The matter, Pips, is that the best idea you have come up with in absolutely ages means that I will have to break my one and only New Year’s Resolution just after I have made it. That is just the limit. It really is.
‘George? Where are you going?’
To my bookcase.
I am still not talking to you Pips.
‘Apparently you are the most fashionable breed at the moment’.
‘My New Year’s Resolutions by George...'
‘And the dog of choice amongst A list celebrities’.
No in fact I think this year George is going to make only one resolution.
‘Heidi Klum has one’.
‘My One New Year’s Resolution by George'...
‘George?’
I, George, hereby resolve not to travel on Public Transport at all this year.
‘Are you listening to me?’
The number 38 bus will be history this year for George.
‘It says ‘this feisty little terrier is small enough to tuck under your arm’/’
Yes it will. As will all tubes and trains.
‘which is why it is so popular’.
But I will make an exception for planes as I would very much like to go abroad again this year I really would.
‘Tuck under your arm. Yes right. Every time I pick you up you throw a fit. This is what irritates me about these articles. They’re such a load of bollocks’.
I would prefer it if you didn’t use language like that actually Pips if you don’t mind.
‘They’ll write any old rubbish to sell something as a fashion accessory’.
Perhaps we could go back to Barcelona. Conchita was such a lovely girl.
‘Hey you know what I was thinking George? That we should go to Paris for a weekend’.
Paris?!
‘Just you and me. What do you think?’
That would be terrific Pips! I would be thrilled.
‘Now that the Eurostar comes into St Pancras it’s too easy. It’s just a walk down the road’.
Eurostar?
‘We could book ourselves into a cheap hotel and hop on the train one Friday evening after work’.
I don’t believe this.
‘and go for walks in the Tuilleries/
I DO NOT BELIEVE THIS!
‘and take a stroll down by the Seine/.....’
Don’t do this to me Pips. DO NOT DO THIS TO ME!
‘Sssh now George. What’s the matter?’
The matter, Pips, is that the best idea you have come up with in absolutely ages means that I will have to break my one and only New Year’s Resolution just after I have made it. That is just the limit. It really is.
‘George? Where are you going?’
To my bookcase.
Ninety Four
‘Happy Christmas Philippa!’
‘Happy Christmas Terry’.
‘Happy Christmas Will’.
‘Happy Christmas Abbie’.
Happy Christmas Freddie.
‘Happy Christmas George. I like your bow. It looks very smart’.
Thank you Freddie. Pips made it for me. We have one for you too. It is stripy though as I thought you would prefer stripes....
‘OK shall we play that game?’
A game?
‘What game?’
That would be terrific Will. I very much like games. I really do.
‘I’ll get it’.
‘What game is that?’
‘Abbie wasn’t here when you showed us. It’s a game called/’
‘Sssh Philippa! Not in front of Freddie and George’.
‘OK well.... Will found this... game in a shop in Islington the other day to play with George and Freddie’.
‘Yes but they have to go outside for five minutes. Come on Freds. George, you too. Outside’.
Coming Terry, we’re coming. Come on Freddie.
‘I know what game they’re talking about George and I don’t think it’s a game we really want to play’.
‘Are they OK outside?’
‘I’ve tied them to the banisters in the hall. They’ll be fine’.
‘So what’s this game?’
‘Here’.
‘How Smart is your Dog?’
‘It’s a series of intelligence tests to try out on your dog to test his canine IQ’.
‘Oh Philippa that’s mean!’
‘Why? It’ll be fun. They won’t know any better’.
‘It’s called How Smart is your Dog? George. Will bought it the other day when I was with him. They are testing our intelligence’.
They wouldn’t do that sort of thing to us Freddie. Pips wouldn’t do it to me. She loves me for who I am, not for intelligence.
‘It is George. I swear. Terry thinks it’s hilarious’.
I don’t believe you Freddie.
‘I’m telling you George’.
‘OK. So Test 1: Attention and Environmental Learning:- While your dog is out of the house rearrange the furniture in a room that is familiar to the dog... or create any other obvious disturbances of the usual pattern of furniture placement. Try to make sure that at least 5 things are obviously different in the room. Then bring the dog into the room and with the enclosed stopwatch start timing your dog’s reaction. If your dog notices something wrong within 15 seconds score 5. If he notices the differences and checks any one of them within 15 – 20 seconds score 4, if he does so in 30 – 60 seconds score 3..... and so on but we won’t need to go there because Freddie, for one, will not be needing extra time. I can’t speak for George’.
‘Hey George will do just fine!’
‘OK so let’s rearrange the furniture’.
‘Shouldn’t we turn the music up so they won’t hear us moving it...?’
‘Abbie you move the bin. Terry and I will move the sofa. And Philippa...’
‘I’ll move your very chic floor lamp to the other side of the room by the Christmas tree’.
‘Are you taking the piss out of it?
‘Yes she is’.
‘It’s from the Conran shop. It cost us a fortune!’
‘Of course. Is the tree from the Conran shop too?’
‘OK Freds. You can come in now. George you’re staying out here’.
I want to come in with Freddie.
‘No George you stay here’.
But I want to come in with Freddie.
‘No George...’
What are you all doing in there Terry?
‘I told you they are testing us George’.
‘Freddie get inside’.
I’m coming too/
‘George no.’
But/
‘No George. Stay!’
Pips?
‘Well done Freddie!’
‘Well done Freds. I knew you’d do well’.
‘Now it’s George’s turn’.
‘He doesn’t know your flat as well as Freddie so it’ll be a bit harder for him’.
‘Not making excuses for him already are you Philippa?’
‘No but it’s the truth. Freddie lives here so of course he’s going to do well’.
‘She’s worried!’
‘No I’m not’.
‘OK who’s got the stopwatch now?’
‘I’ve got it. We’re all set!’
‘OK I’ll get George’.
‘Don’t warn him about it Philippa’.
‘I won’t’.
‘Here he is’.
‘Hi George’.
‘OK let go of him’.
‘Right, the clock is ticking!’
Pips are you testing my intelligence because if you are I am not playing.
‘He doesn’t appear to have noticed...’
Are you?
‘Yes they are George. IT’S A TRICK!’
‘Sssh Freddie’.
Then I am not playing Pips. I am disappointed in you I really am.
‘George have you/’
‘Sssh Philippa! You’re not allowed to say anything to him’.
‘THEY’VE MOVED THE FURNITURE GEORGE’.
‘Freds sssh!’
I can see they have moved the furniture Freddie but I am not playing. This is not a game, I am not a guinea pig and I do not wish to be treated like one.
‘No George don’t sit’.
I will do what I like Pips.
‘He hasn’t noticed!’
I have noticed Terry, I was not born yesterday.
‘He’s not showing any interest’.
‘It’s going to be nul points for George!’
Nul points? I’ll give you nul points Will.
‘What’s he doing?’
‘He’s going to the lamp’.
‘That’s it George. See? He knows it’s in a different place. Good boy’.
‘He’s cocking/’
‘Oh my God he’s not/’
‘He’s just pretending. He does this someti/’
‘No he’s not. He’s peeing!’
‘George NO/’
‘Quick someone grab him!’
‘He’ll blow us all up...’
‘If you need to go out/’
I do not need to go out Pips and/ GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME! GET OFF!’
‘Did he pee on it?’
‘Yes look!’
‘Oh my God. I can’t believe he did that’.
Well there you go. That is George’s Christmas Game. So there. See how you all like it.
‘George I’m taking you out. Right this minute. That is very naughty! That lamp is from the Conran shop and was bloody expensive!’
Up yours Philippa.
‘Happy Christmas Terry’.
‘Happy Christmas Will’.
‘Happy Christmas Abbie’.
Happy Christmas Freddie.
‘Happy Christmas George. I like your bow. It looks very smart’.
Thank you Freddie. Pips made it for me. We have one for you too. It is stripy though as I thought you would prefer stripes....
‘OK shall we play that game?’
A game?
‘What game?’
That would be terrific Will. I very much like games. I really do.
‘I’ll get it’.
‘What game is that?’
‘Abbie wasn’t here when you showed us. It’s a game called/’
‘Sssh Philippa! Not in front of Freddie and George’.
‘OK well.... Will found this... game in a shop in Islington the other day to play with George and Freddie’.
‘Yes but they have to go outside for five minutes. Come on Freds. George, you too. Outside’.
Coming Terry, we’re coming. Come on Freddie.
‘I know what game they’re talking about George and I don’t think it’s a game we really want to play’.
‘Are they OK outside?’
‘I’ve tied them to the banisters in the hall. They’ll be fine’.
‘So what’s this game?’
‘Here’.
‘How Smart is your Dog?’
‘It’s a series of intelligence tests to try out on your dog to test his canine IQ’.
‘Oh Philippa that’s mean!’
‘Why? It’ll be fun. They won’t know any better’.
‘It’s called How Smart is your Dog? George. Will bought it the other day when I was with him. They are testing our intelligence’.
They wouldn’t do that sort of thing to us Freddie. Pips wouldn’t do it to me. She loves me for who I am, not for intelligence.
‘It is George. I swear. Terry thinks it’s hilarious’.
I don’t believe you Freddie.
‘I’m telling you George’.
‘OK. So Test 1: Attention and Environmental Learning:- While your dog is out of the house rearrange the furniture in a room that is familiar to the dog... or create any other obvious disturbances of the usual pattern of furniture placement. Try to make sure that at least 5 things are obviously different in the room. Then bring the dog into the room and with the enclosed stopwatch start timing your dog’s reaction. If your dog notices something wrong within 15 seconds score 5. If he notices the differences and checks any one of them within 15 – 20 seconds score 4, if he does so in 30 – 60 seconds score 3..... and so on but we won’t need to go there because Freddie, for one, will not be needing extra time. I can’t speak for George’.
‘Hey George will do just fine!’
‘OK so let’s rearrange the furniture’.
‘Shouldn’t we turn the music up so they won’t hear us moving it...?’
‘Abbie you move the bin. Terry and I will move the sofa. And Philippa...’
‘I’ll move your very chic floor lamp to the other side of the room by the Christmas tree’.
‘Are you taking the piss out of it?
‘Yes she is’.
‘It’s from the Conran shop. It cost us a fortune!’
‘Of course. Is the tree from the Conran shop too?’
‘OK Freds. You can come in now. George you’re staying out here’.
I want to come in with Freddie.
‘No George you stay here’.
But I want to come in with Freddie.
‘No George...’
What are you all doing in there Terry?
‘I told you they are testing us George’.
‘Freddie get inside’.
I’m coming too/
‘George no.’
But/
‘No George. Stay!’
Pips?
‘Well done Freddie!’
‘Well done Freds. I knew you’d do well’.
‘Now it’s George’s turn’.
‘He doesn’t know your flat as well as Freddie so it’ll be a bit harder for him’.
‘Not making excuses for him already are you Philippa?’
‘No but it’s the truth. Freddie lives here so of course he’s going to do well’.
‘She’s worried!’
‘No I’m not’.
‘OK who’s got the stopwatch now?’
‘I’ve got it. We’re all set!’
‘OK I’ll get George’.
‘Don’t warn him about it Philippa’.
‘I won’t’.
‘Here he is’.
‘Hi George’.
‘OK let go of him’.
‘Right, the clock is ticking!’
Pips are you testing my intelligence because if you are I am not playing.
‘He doesn’t appear to have noticed...’
Are you?
‘Yes they are George. IT’S A TRICK!’
‘Sssh Freddie’.
Then I am not playing Pips. I am disappointed in you I really am.
‘George have you/’
‘Sssh Philippa! You’re not allowed to say anything to him’.
‘THEY’VE MOVED THE FURNITURE GEORGE’.
‘Freds sssh!’
I can see they have moved the furniture Freddie but I am not playing. This is not a game, I am not a guinea pig and I do not wish to be treated like one.
‘No George don’t sit’.
I will do what I like Pips.
‘He hasn’t noticed!’
I have noticed Terry, I was not born yesterday.
‘He’s not showing any interest’.
‘It’s going to be nul points for George!’
Nul points? I’ll give you nul points Will.
‘What’s he doing?’
‘He’s going to the lamp’.
‘That’s it George. See? He knows it’s in a different place. Good boy’.
‘He’s cocking/’
‘Oh my God he’s not/’
‘He’s just pretending. He does this someti/’
‘No he’s not. He’s peeing!’
‘George NO/’
‘Quick someone grab him!’
‘He’ll blow us all up...’
‘If you need to go out/’
I do not need to go out Pips and/ GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME! GET OFF!’
‘Did he pee on it?’
‘Yes look!’
‘Oh my God. I can’t believe he did that’.
Well there you go. That is George’s Christmas Game. So there. See how you all like it.
‘George I’m taking you out. Right this minute. That is very naughty! That lamp is from the Conran shop and was bloody expensive!’
Up yours Philippa.
Ninety Three
‘George can you stop doing your statue thing, you’re driving me bananas’.
........... Finished Pips. I just thought that was a good moment to try another new pose I have been working on.
‘It’s bloody cold and we’ve got a lot of Christmas shopping to do today. Come on’.
Pips? Can we go to the pet store so I can choose my presents? Pips? Can we go to the pet store to/
‘We’re going to your favourite shop today George’.
The pet store?
‘V V Rouleaux’.
V V Rouleaux? V V Rouleaux! We’re going to V V Rouleaux, we’re going to V V Rouleaux!
‘I thought I would get some fancy ribbon to make you and Freddie a smart bow each for Christmas Day. What do you think?’
That’s a terrific idea Pips! I am thrilled.
‘So this stripy one or that checked one George?’
I think Freddie would suit the checked one Pips and I will have the stripy.
‘Or I could get both. You could have the checked one and/’
No I think Freddie would very much like the checks.
‘And we’ll get Freddie the stripy’.
But Freddie would prefer the checks. He really would.
‘He’ll look good in stripes’.
I look good in stripes too Pips as a matter of fact.
‘And I think you would look better in checks George’.
I don’t look better in them actually. I don’t at all.
‘Good. That’s sorted then’.
No Pips it is not sorted. I want the stripes. Why do you always choose the one I don’t want? You always do that. I WANT THE STRIPES!
‘Shush’.
I WANT THE STRIPES! I WANT THE STRIPES!
‘George no. Stop jumping up/’
I WANT THE STRIPES!
‘George stop it! If you don’t stop that right now then you’ll have no bow at all/
I WANT THE STRIPES! I WANT THE STRIPES!
‘and we’ll go straight home and you can forget about going to Caffe Caldesi’.
You could call it my gesture of goodwill for the holiday season Pips, if you like.
‘Let’s get inside. That’s better, it’s warm in here. Oh and look George! It’s your friendly waiter’.
It’s Antonio!
‘Ah look! It is the lady with il piccolo Giorgio! How are you?’
‘Fine, we’re fine. Is it OK to have just a cappuccino?’
‘Sure. Come this way’.
‘Thank you’.
‘How are you? I haven’t seen you for a while’.
‘I know. But Christmas shopping has brought us back!’
‘And how is Giorgio?’
‘Well Giorgio started to misbehave in V V Rouleaux but uncharacteristically he pulled back from the brink. Didn’t you George?’
‘Oh no. What happened?’
‘He threw an unnecessary temper tantrum over a roll of ribbon and started barking the place down. He does that sometimes. I don’t know what gets into him’.
What gets into me Pips is that you ask for my opinion and then you ignore it. And I do very much prefer stripes to checks as it happens but it doesn’t matter Antonio because I remembered that ‘Christmas is a time for giving’ so in festive spirit I decided that Freddie may well prefer stripes and that I can manage just as well with the checks. Do you have a biscotti Antonio?
‘Maybe he doesn’t like the shops being so crowded. It’s too busy. You want some water Giorgio?’
‘I’m sure he’d like that wouldn’t you?’.
And do you have a biscotti Antonio, like last time?
‘One cappuccino for la signorina and one bowl of water for the piccolo Giorgio.... And I will see if I can find a little biscotto’.
........... Finished Pips. I just thought that was a good moment to try another new pose I have been working on.
‘It’s bloody cold and we’ve got a lot of Christmas shopping to do today. Come on’.
Pips? Can we go to the pet store so I can choose my presents? Pips? Can we go to the pet store to/
‘We’re going to your favourite shop today George’.
The pet store?
‘V V Rouleaux’.
V V Rouleaux? V V Rouleaux! We’re going to V V Rouleaux, we’re going to V V Rouleaux!
‘I thought I would get some fancy ribbon to make you and Freddie a smart bow each for Christmas Day. What do you think?’
That’s a terrific idea Pips! I am thrilled.
‘So this stripy one or that checked one George?’
I think Freddie would suit the checked one Pips and I will have the stripy.
‘Or I could get both. You could have the checked one and/’
No I think Freddie would very much like the checks.
‘And we’ll get Freddie the stripy’.
But Freddie would prefer the checks. He really would.
‘He’ll look good in stripes’.
I look good in stripes too Pips as a matter of fact.
‘And I think you would look better in checks George’.
I don’t look better in them actually. I don’t at all.
‘Good. That’s sorted then’.
No Pips it is not sorted. I want the stripes. Why do you always choose the one I don’t want? You always do that. I WANT THE STRIPES!
‘Shush’.
I WANT THE STRIPES! I WANT THE STRIPES!
‘George no. Stop jumping up/’
I WANT THE STRIPES!
‘George stop it! If you don’t stop that right now then you’ll have no bow at all/
I WANT THE STRIPES! I WANT THE STRIPES!
‘and we’ll go straight home and you can forget about going to Caffe Caldesi’.
You could call it my gesture of goodwill for the holiday season Pips, if you like.
‘Let’s get inside. That’s better, it’s warm in here. Oh and look George! It’s your friendly waiter’.
It’s Antonio!
‘Ah look! It is the lady with il piccolo Giorgio! How are you?’
‘Fine, we’re fine. Is it OK to have just a cappuccino?’
‘Sure. Come this way’.
‘Thank you’.
‘How are you? I haven’t seen you for a while’.
‘I know. But Christmas shopping has brought us back!’
‘And how is Giorgio?’
‘Well Giorgio started to misbehave in V V Rouleaux but uncharacteristically he pulled back from the brink. Didn’t you George?’
‘Oh no. What happened?’
‘He threw an unnecessary temper tantrum over a roll of ribbon and started barking the place down. He does that sometimes. I don’t know what gets into him’.
What gets into me Pips is that you ask for my opinion and then you ignore it. And I do very much prefer stripes to checks as it happens but it doesn’t matter Antonio because I remembered that ‘Christmas is a time for giving’ so in festive spirit I decided that Freddie may well prefer stripes and that I can manage just as well with the checks. Do you have a biscotti Antonio?
‘Maybe he doesn’t like the shops being so crowded. It’s too busy. You want some water Giorgio?’
‘I’m sure he’d like that wouldn’t you?’.
And do you have a biscotti Antonio, like last time?
‘One cappuccino for la signorina and one bowl of water for the piccolo Giorgio.... And I will see if I can find a little biscotto’.
Ninety Two
‘Not another rainy day George. Look at it’.
At least you do dot have a code Pips.
‘And I hardly slept a wink last night thanks to your wheezing’.
It is dot by fault if I caddot breathe. This is the worst code I have ever had and you have dot beed helping by baking be go idto work every day. So I do dot feel sorry for you. I have asked you every day for the past ted days if we cad stay at hobe but you dever listend/
‘I’m feeling a bit achey actually’.
Really?
‘And hot……..’
Uh oh Pips. I felt hot and achey before I got by code.
‘In fact I’m not feeling that great’.
Thed we cad have a duvet day Pips. Let’s have a duvet day!
‘Hi Nadine, it’s Philippa…………… Not too good actually. Is Simon in yet?’
Dadide? Just tell Sibod Pips and be are having a duvet day/
‘OK well can you tell him I’m not feeling well and won’t be in today’.
so he cad just get off his arse/
‘I don’t know what it is. I feel a bit feverish’.
and get his owd coffees for a change.
‘Hopefully I’ll feel better tomorrow’.
But we bay dot Dadide. We bay just stay id bed because we are sick and tired of rudding around for a tosser. It has bade us ill.
‘OK well if you could just tell him……. Thanks. Bye’.
So Pips cad we watch lots of DVD’s? I feel like watching wud after adother all day. I would like that very buch.
‘Look at that rain outside…..’
But we don’t care Pips because we’re id bed and we have ndo idtention of getting out of it all day do we?
‘Can you move over George’.
Cad we watch ‘Pretty Wobad’ with the fabulous Julia Roberts, Pips? You have that od DVD don’t you?
‘You’re hogging the bed’.
Or sobething with the very wodnderful Adgelida Jo/
‘Oh my God! What was THAT?!’
What Pips? What’s wrong?
‘Something just jumped off my duvet’.
What sort of thing?
‘Was that a flea?’
I don’t kndow Pips. Was it?
‘That looked like a flea! If that was a flea there is only one place it has come from. Have you got fleas George?’
It depeds od/
‘Have you?’
I bay have/
‘That’s it George. Get off my bed’.
But/
‘Off!’
I have a code.
‘NOW!’
But they’re owdly fleas.
‘Go back to your bookshelf! As soon as I’m better I’m taking you to the vet for a major de-fleaing treatment. It was definitely a flea George. That’s disgusting’.
You can’t do this to be od by first duvet day!
‘Back to the bookshelf. Go on. I don’t believe this. The one day I’m ill in bed I discover fleas in it!’
At least you do dot have a code Pips.
‘And I hardly slept a wink last night thanks to your wheezing’.
It is dot by fault if I caddot breathe. This is the worst code I have ever had and you have dot beed helping by baking be go idto work every day. So I do dot feel sorry for you. I have asked you every day for the past ted days if we cad stay at hobe but you dever listend/
‘I’m feeling a bit achey actually’.
Really?
‘And hot……..’
Uh oh Pips. I felt hot and achey before I got by code.
‘In fact I’m not feeling that great’.
Thed we cad have a duvet day Pips. Let’s have a duvet day!
‘Hi Nadine, it’s Philippa…………… Not too good actually. Is Simon in yet?’
Dadide? Just tell Sibod Pips and be are having a duvet day/
‘OK well can you tell him I’m not feeling well and won’t be in today’.
so he cad just get off his arse/
‘I don’t know what it is. I feel a bit feverish’.
and get his owd coffees for a change.
‘Hopefully I’ll feel better tomorrow’.
But we bay dot Dadide. We bay just stay id bed because we are sick and tired of rudding around for a tosser. It has bade us ill.
‘OK well if you could just tell him……. Thanks. Bye’.
So Pips cad we watch lots of DVD’s? I feel like watching wud after adother all day. I would like that very buch.
‘Look at that rain outside…..’
But we don’t care Pips because we’re id bed and we have ndo idtention of getting out of it all day do we?
‘Can you move over George’.
Cad we watch ‘Pretty Wobad’ with the fabulous Julia Roberts, Pips? You have that od DVD don’t you?
‘You’re hogging the bed’.
Or sobething with the very wodnderful Adgelida Jo/
‘Oh my God! What was THAT?!’
What Pips? What’s wrong?
‘Something just jumped off my duvet’.
What sort of thing?
‘Was that a flea?’
I don’t kndow Pips. Was it?
‘That looked like a flea! If that was a flea there is only one place it has come from. Have you got fleas George?’
It depeds od/
‘Have you?’
I bay have/
‘That’s it George. Get off my bed’.
But/
‘Off!’
I have a code.
‘NOW!’
But they’re owdly fleas.
‘Go back to your bookshelf! As soon as I’m better I’m taking you to the vet for a major de-fleaing treatment. It was definitely a flea George. That’s disgusting’.
You can’t do this to be od by first duvet day!
‘Back to the bookshelf. Go on. I don’t believe this. The one day I’m ill in bed I discover fleas in it!’
Ninety One
‘I told Philippa this morning this is the last year we’re going to have a Christmas party’.
‘You say the same thing every year Simon’.
‘I mean it this time Phil. This year’s going to be the last one,. They’re a waste of money that this company hasn’t got and if these figures are to be believed we’re going to have to tighten our belts next year. Are these figures right?’
‘But it helps the goodwill factor’.
‘They’re a bloody bore Jason. Every year I get up and say the same old motivational drivel which never works’.
‘Just thank everyone for their contribution during the year and leave out the rest. Is Stephanie coming?’
‘Yes how’s it going with her?’
‘Great. She’s a lot easier than Lindsay. Then again that’s not difficult…. God I need a coffee’.
‘Good idea’.
‘Yeah I’m parched……’
‘Philippa? Can you pop out and get us some coffees? One espresso, no wait, make that two…..two cappuccinos and… you wanted a strong skinny latte Mark yeah? And one strong skinny latte. Thanks’.
‘Um… Simon? George is shivering and I’m a bit worried that he’s sleeping in a draught here by my desk and as he’s not very well and got a cold would it be OK for me to move him into your room? He won’t disturb you. He’s fast asleep’.
‘I suppose so. Just this once’.
‘I don’t understand where he’s got some of these figures from that’s all’.
‘I think there’s an error in the July turnover’.
‘What’s that noise?’
‘What noise?’
‘That noise. Listen. ……. There!’
‘Sounds like a boiler’.
‘It’s the dog’.
‘No? Really?’
‘Yes it is. It’s George’.
‘What a wheezer!’
‘Don’t be rude about it. Philippa gets very upset. She dotes on him. Single woman syndrome, you know’.
‘Ha ha ha ha!’
‘Look it’s twitching’.
‘It’s dreaming’.
‘Do dogs have dreams?’
‘I don't know’.
‘Well why not?’.
‘What do they dream about?’
‘How would I know Phil?’
‘Cats?’
‘Food perhaps. Or………’
…………………………………………………………………………………..
…………………………………………………………………………………
…………………………………………………………………………………..
‘Thanks Simon for that inspiring end-of-year roundup. And now, I believe, George has a few Christmas words for the office’.
‘Oh Lord’.
‘Ignore him George. Go ahead’.
Nadine Nadine
With the sparkly shoes
Good for you, good for you
Mahinder Mahinder
Our internet guru
We thank you, we thank you
Philippa Philippa
Office miracle worker
I love you, I love you
Simon Simon
Our distinguished Director
Sits on his arse, sits on his arse………..
...................................................................................................
…………………………………………………………………………………..
……………………………………………………………
‘OK so you’ll type up the minutes Phil, yeah? Jason shall we go over those figures again now? Actually hang on a second. I’ve got to get rid of this windbag, I can’t breathe in here. Philippa? ......... Philippa!’
‘Yes Simon?’
‘Your dog has excelled itself once again. Wheezing and twitching is one thing but I draw the line at farting through an entire Board Meeting’.
‘You say the same thing every year Simon’.
‘I mean it this time Phil. This year’s going to be the last one,. They’re a waste of money that this company hasn’t got and if these figures are to be believed we’re going to have to tighten our belts next year. Are these figures right?’
‘But it helps the goodwill factor’.
‘They’re a bloody bore Jason. Every year I get up and say the same old motivational drivel which never works’.
‘Just thank everyone for their contribution during the year and leave out the rest. Is Stephanie coming?’
‘Yes how’s it going with her?’
‘Great. She’s a lot easier than Lindsay. Then again that’s not difficult…. God I need a coffee’.
‘Good idea’.
‘Yeah I’m parched……’
‘Philippa? Can you pop out and get us some coffees? One espresso, no wait, make that two…..two cappuccinos and… you wanted a strong skinny latte Mark yeah? And one strong skinny latte. Thanks’.
‘Um… Simon? George is shivering and I’m a bit worried that he’s sleeping in a draught here by my desk and as he’s not very well and got a cold would it be OK for me to move him into your room? He won’t disturb you. He’s fast asleep’.
‘I suppose so. Just this once’.
‘I don’t understand where he’s got some of these figures from that’s all’.
‘I think there’s an error in the July turnover’.
‘What’s that noise?’
‘What noise?’
‘That noise. Listen. ……. There!’
‘Sounds like a boiler’.
‘It’s the dog’.
‘No? Really?’
‘Yes it is. It’s George’.
‘What a wheezer!’
‘Don’t be rude about it. Philippa gets very upset. She dotes on him. Single woman syndrome, you know’.
‘Ha ha ha ha!’
‘Look it’s twitching’.
‘It’s dreaming’.
‘Do dogs have dreams?’
‘I don't know’.
‘Well why not?’.
‘What do they dream about?’
‘How would I know Phil?’
‘Cats?’
‘Food perhaps. Or………’
…………………………………………………………………………………..
…………………………………………………………………………………
…………………………………………………………………………………..
‘Thanks Simon for that inspiring end-of-year roundup. And now, I believe, George has a few Christmas words for the office’.
‘Oh Lord’.
‘Ignore him George. Go ahead’.
Nadine Nadine
With the sparkly shoes
Good for you, good for you
Mahinder Mahinder
Our internet guru
We thank you, we thank you
Philippa Philippa
Office miracle worker
I love you, I love you
Simon Simon
Our distinguished Director
Sits on his arse, sits on his arse………..
...................................................................................................
…………………………………………………………………………………..
……………………………………………………………
‘OK so you’ll type up the minutes Phil, yeah? Jason shall we go over those figures again now? Actually hang on a second. I’ve got to get rid of this windbag, I can’t breathe in here. Philippa? ......... Philippa!’
‘Yes Simon?’
‘Your dog has excelled itself once again. Wheezing and twitching is one thing but I draw the line at farting through an entire Board Meeting’.
Ninety
‘..well no I think before I am penalised you should speak to your operators and make sure that they are informing customers of this in the first place because at no point was it mentioned to me…….. no I didn’t see it in your literature and neither did Mr Lewis because if he had he wouldn’t have asked me to set up an account for him because he specifically wanted to try out the service before committing him/…… no, I wasn’t, that’s the point…… But how can you be sure?.......... well I’ve just spoken to three other people before being put through to you and they all told me different things so ……………. Simon Lewis, yes. No, I’m his PA …. ……… No I don’t want to be put through/……… Fine. I’ll hold. I obviously don’t have any choice…………. Bloody hell. George? Where are you?’
I would very much like to be able to help you but it is not my responsibility any more Mahinder. I formally resigned as Stationery Manager over a month ago now because, firstly, I was not being supported in my role because Simon is a tosser and, secondly, he made an offensive suggestion which I will not tolerate so I felt that resignation was the only option. Of course, no-one understands the time and effort it takes to manage a stationery cupboard so it does not come as any surprise that we have already run out of something as crucial as parcel tape but you will have to speak to Nadine about it. By the way, parcel tape comes in packs of six. Don’t mention it. You’re welcome Mahinder. And while you are about it could you tell Nadine to stop ordering Tippex.
‘…but….no, I was not. No-one told me and Mr Lewis did not know about it either…………. The contract is dated…….. the 18th of July but I don’t know when I made the initial call……….. What? Again?.......’
‘Philippa?’
‘Hi Simon’.
‘Are you…?’
‘No I’m on hold for about the fifteenth time’.
‘OK well…. This is Stephanie’.
‘Hi’.
‘Philippa is my PA. I always say she works hard at making my life easier!’
‘Yes I’ve heard what a wonderful job you do’.
‘The reception is looking a mess Philippa. What’s going on? There are boxes everywhere. Can you have a word with Nadine about it before one of our visitors trips over them and sues us for Health and Safety’.
‘Sure’.
‘So Steph, this is my office…… in here…..’
‘…………… Wow! This is cool!’
‘Yeah. These chairs are new by the way. They’re Arne Jacobsen. Top of the range. From Vitra’.
‘Hello?..... Yes I’m still holding. Is there/…..? Hello?........ Hello?.......For fuck’s sake’.
I will see if I can find some parcel tape for you Mahinder. Don’t worry, leave it to George. I was not Stationery Manager for nothing. In fact I think I remember seeing a role of it under the shelves in our Führer’s room although I can’t remember when he ever did anything useful enough to need it. After all it is you Mahinder, Pips and me who do all the work around this place. But let me investigate. I shall be right back………
‘Great. First I get cut off and now I can’t get through at all’.
Pips? Pips?
‘George. Thank God you’re here’.
‘Mahinder needs some parcel tape. In fact he needs some duct tape but we don’t have any so he says parcel tape will do but we don’t have any of that eith/ Pips? What’s the matter?
‘……Come with me George. Quickly’.
But I am just looking for some parcel ta/ Pips? Where are you going?
‘I can’t stand it….’
What’s wrong Pips? Where are you going?
‘Life is so unfair George….’
It’ll be home time soon Pips. You can’t stay in the cubicle for the rest of the day. 'So now it’s Stephanie! Only two minutes ago he was on holiday with Lindsay. How can Simon pick up one girl after another without even bloody trying?’
He does try actually Pips. You can tell because he starts talking even more bullshit than normal.
‘I can’t even get one boyfriend!’
But that’s because you’re meeting tossers if you don’t mind my saying. Although it’s true that Simon is a tosser and it doesn’t stop anyone going out with him but we don’t want a tosser in our lives do we Pips? No.
‘And then he has the bloody cheek to criticise reception to me as though it’s somehow my fault’.
He said reception was looking a mess. I know, you told me.
‘’Reception is looking a mess Philippa’. Since when was reception my responsibility George?’
It never was Pips. You shouldn’t listen to him. Why do you listen?
‘He always has to exert his authority/’
Because he hasn’t any Pips. It’s all in his head.
‘and humiliate me’.
Ignore him. That’s what I do.
‘Everything comes so easily for him. What has he done to deserve it? It’s not fair George it’s just not fair!!’
OK Pips, we’re beginning to go round in circles now, metaphorically speaking. My stomach is cold on this tile floor and I would very much like to go home soon so do you think you could come out of the cubicle now?
‘I hate my life George. It’s shit. I wish I could just end it all’.
Oh well thank you very much Pips I must say. Thank you very much! That makes me feel just terrific if you don’t mind. Here I am, sharing my life with you, trying to be supportive through your crises and all I get in return is a wish to end it all. I have had enough now I REALLY HAVE! You are not the only one who has suffered in the name of love you know. Yours Truly has had his fair share of romantic disappointment too and sometimes it has been due to your interference as a matter of fact. Oh yes! Daffodil for example was a very lovely girl and I had great hopes for us but you got involved and that was the end of it. You also insisted on coming back from Barcelona when you knew very well that I wanted to stay and explore Parc Güell some more in the hope of meeting Conchita once again, who was another lovely girl, but no, you wouldn’t listen. And for your information I still hold a tender place in my heart for Kylie, who used to live just down the street from us when I was living with Steve and Debs, she was just terrific, so I also have suffered heartache in my romantic life. And I know very well that life is not fair. Do you think I enjoyed my stays at Battersea? No Pips I did not. Not at all. But have I become morose and self-pitying? No I have not because it is very very very very boring if I may say so. And I’ll tell you something else for free. You can stay locked in the cubicle for as long as you like but I am going home. Yes I am. Right now. And I will not be catching the number 38 bus either. Just because it is raining is not a good enough excuse to go on public transport…..
‘OK George I’m coming out now. Please don’t give me one of your sympathetic looks because I’ll probably burst into tears again. And if anyone asks then I was just feeling sick OK? Thank God no-one else came in here....... George?........... George?
Here Pips. Waiting for you to come out and open the door so I can go home.
I would very much like to be able to help you but it is not my responsibility any more Mahinder. I formally resigned as Stationery Manager over a month ago now because, firstly, I was not being supported in my role because Simon is a tosser and, secondly, he made an offensive suggestion which I will not tolerate so I felt that resignation was the only option. Of course, no-one understands the time and effort it takes to manage a stationery cupboard so it does not come as any surprise that we have already run out of something as crucial as parcel tape but you will have to speak to Nadine about it. By the way, parcel tape comes in packs of six. Don’t mention it. You’re welcome Mahinder. And while you are about it could you tell Nadine to stop ordering Tippex.
‘…but….no, I was not. No-one told me and Mr Lewis did not know about it either…………. The contract is dated…….. the 18th of July but I don’t know when I made the initial call……….. What? Again?.......’
‘Philippa?’
‘Hi Simon’.
‘Are you…?’
‘No I’m on hold for about the fifteenth time’.
‘OK well…. This is Stephanie’.
‘Hi’.
‘Philippa is my PA. I always say she works hard at making my life easier!’
‘Yes I’ve heard what a wonderful job you do’.
‘The reception is looking a mess Philippa. What’s going on? There are boxes everywhere. Can you have a word with Nadine about it before one of our visitors trips over them and sues us for Health and Safety’.
‘Sure’.
‘So Steph, this is my office…… in here…..’
‘…………… Wow! This is cool!’
‘Yeah. These chairs are new by the way. They’re Arne Jacobsen. Top of the range. From Vitra’.
‘Hello?..... Yes I’m still holding. Is there/…..? Hello?........ Hello?.......For fuck’s sake’.
I will see if I can find some parcel tape for you Mahinder. Don’t worry, leave it to George. I was not Stationery Manager for nothing. In fact I think I remember seeing a role of it under the shelves in our Führer’s room although I can’t remember when he ever did anything useful enough to need it. After all it is you Mahinder, Pips and me who do all the work around this place. But let me investigate. I shall be right back………
‘Great. First I get cut off and now I can’t get through at all’.
Pips? Pips?
‘George. Thank God you’re here’.
‘Mahinder needs some parcel tape. In fact he needs some duct tape but we don’t have any so he says parcel tape will do but we don’t have any of that eith/ Pips? What’s the matter?
‘……Come with me George. Quickly’.
But I am just looking for some parcel ta/ Pips? Where are you going?
‘I can’t stand it….’
What’s wrong Pips? Where are you going?
‘Life is so unfair George….’
It’ll be home time soon Pips. You can’t stay in the cubicle for the rest of the day. 'So now it’s Stephanie! Only two minutes ago he was on holiday with Lindsay. How can Simon pick up one girl after another without even bloody trying?’
He does try actually Pips. You can tell because he starts talking even more bullshit than normal.
‘I can’t even get one boyfriend!’
But that’s because you’re meeting tossers if you don’t mind my saying. Although it’s true that Simon is a tosser and it doesn’t stop anyone going out with him but we don’t want a tosser in our lives do we Pips? No.
‘And then he has the bloody cheek to criticise reception to me as though it’s somehow my fault’.
He said reception was looking a mess. I know, you told me.
‘’Reception is looking a mess Philippa’. Since when was reception my responsibility George?’
It never was Pips. You shouldn’t listen to him. Why do you listen?
‘He always has to exert his authority/’
Because he hasn’t any Pips. It’s all in his head.
‘and humiliate me’.
Ignore him. That’s what I do.
‘Everything comes so easily for him. What has he done to deserve it? It’s not fair George it’s just not fair!!’
OK Pips, we’re beginning to go round in circles now, metaphorically speaking. My stomach is cold on this tile floor and I would very much like to go home soon so do you think you could come out of the cubicle now?
‘I hate my life George. It’s shit. I wish I could just end it all’.
Oh well thank you very much Pips I must say. Thank you very much! That makes me feel just terrific if you don’t mind. Here I am, sharing my life with you, trying to be supportive through your crises and all I get in return is a wish to end it all. I have had enough now I REALLY HAVE! You are not the only one who has suffered in the name of love you know. Yours Truly has had his fair share of romantic disappointment too and sometimes it has been due to your interference as a matter of fact. Oh yes! Daffodil for example was a very lovely girl and I had great hopes for us but you got involved and that was the end of it. You also insisted on coming back from Barcelona when you knew very well that I wanted to stay and explore Parc Güell some more in the hope of meeting Conchita once again, who was another lovely girl, but no, you wouldn’t listen. And for your information I still hold a tender place in my heart for Kylie, who used to live just down the street from us when I was living with Steve and Debs, she was just terrific, so I also have suffered heartache in my romantic life. And I know very well that life is not fair. Do you think I enjoyed my stays at Battersea? No Pips I did not. Not at all. But have I become morose and self-pitying? No I have not because it is very very very very boring if I may say so. And I’ll tell you something else for free. You can stay locked in the cubicle for as long as you like but I am going home. Yes I am. Right now. And I will not be catching the number 38 bus either. Just because it is raining is not a good enough excuse to go on public transport…..
‘OK George I’m coming out now. Please don’t give me one of your sympathetic looks because I’ll probably burst into tears again. And if anyone asks then I was just feeling sick OK? Thank God no-one else came in here....... George?........... George?
Here Pips. Waiting for you to come out and open the door so I can go home.
Eighty Nine
‘….they live up in Derby with my ex-wife’.
That’s it Pips. It’s time to go.
‘But you do see them?’
‘Oh yeah. Every weekend. I drive up there on Friday night and stay with friends – I’ve got some good friends up there - do stuff with the kids as much as I can and come back Sunday evening’.
‘What do you do with them?’
Who cares Pips? Let’s go home.
‘All sorts. We usually go to the park and there’s a local pool so sometimes we go swimming. My son likes football so if Derby City are playing we’ll maybe go to a game’.
‘Do they come down to London sometimes?’
‘Occasionally but they’re too young to come on their own so it’s easier for me to go up there. And it’s less disruptive for them. When they’re older they’ll come more often. They’re coming here for Christmas’.
It’s time to go Pips. Let’s go let’s go let’s go let’s go let’s/
‘Well no they’re staying with their mum over Christmas but then I’m collecting them and bringing them back here for New Year. I was thinking of taking them to a show or something. I thought about ‘The Lion King’. A guy at work took his kids and said they loved it. Have you seen it?’
No we haven’t and we’re not interested either because we don’t like children do we Pips?
‘No I haven’t. I’ve heard it’s really good though’.
‘In fact that reminds me to call up about tickets. It’s nice for the kids to do things they wouldn’t do at home. Their mum doesn’t take them to the theatre so it’ll be a new thing for them. And then my brother’s coming over with his lot’.
‘He’s got children too has he?’
‘He’s got two and his new partner’s got three so...’
Three??!!! Come on Pips, let’s go. What are you waiting for?
‘it’ll be busy although he did say something about her taking her kids to visit their grandparents for New Year so I don’t know…….’
‘Gosh well that’s… great, I mean that you see your kids so much and/’
It is not good for us Pips. What are you talking about?
‘I don’t want to miss out on their growing up. I know it’s a cliché but… luckily Derby’s not that far. The traffic’s a nightmare getting back into London on Sundays, bloody hell it’s ridiculous but… I like getting out of London at weekends to be honest. What about you?’
‘Me? In what way?’
‘What do you get up to?’
‘Oh! Well… it’s just George and me so/’
‘George?’
‘My dog’.
‘Oh! Yes, of course’.
Yes Adrian. I’m still under the table. But I’m just leaving.
‘George you’ve been very quiet this evening’.
‘He’s been munching his way through a packet of salt and vinegar crisps down there’.
‘Yes he likes crisps. George?’
I’m going home Pips. See you later.
‘George?…. excuse me a second……… George oh no you’re not! Got you’.
But Pips/
‘Come and sit on my lap a moment……..’
HE’S GOT CHILDREN!
‘Ssssh! Sorry about that. He just gets something into his head and he’s off. So where was I? Oh yes. George and me. So… yes, my life is pretty simple really’.
‘Right. As you have probably gathered, mine isn’t!’
‘Well….’
‘The thing is… it would be great to have a relationship, it would, but…. to be honest I don’t really have time for one. I put myself on the website because….. actually I don’t know why I put myself on it. I was about to take myself off it in fact but then I got your email so…. the point is I’m hardly in London for starters. I work here, that’s all. Half of my life is in Derby. Well no, more than half. And my kids come first. That’s the way it is and I just don’t have much time for anything else. They’re my number one priority’.
‘Of course’.
‘I bet he’s a great dad George’.
I don’t care Pips.
‘He obviously loves his kids/’
Only because they’re his.
‘and wants to be involved with their growing up’.
But we don’t want to be. So that is that. Because we’re not interested.
‘I thought he was quite sweet’.
We’re not interested we’re not interested we’re not interested we’re not interested/
‘I liked the fact that he was honest about his kids being his top priority’.
I notice you didn’t you say that I was your top priority Pips. When he said his kids were his number one priority you could have said ‘George is my number one priority’. It was the perfect opportunity. But no, nothing.
‘I think I want someone who has some time for me though and I don’t see any room in his life for a girlfriend, do you?’
Or for me Pips. Or for me! It is not all about you.
‘I mean what’s the point in getting involved with someone who has no time or space in his life for you?’
There isn’t any point Pips. There would be no fun in that for us at all. None at all.
‘I’d just end up feeling like an inconvenience’.
When in fact his children would be the inconvenience wouldn’t they?
‘I’d just be lonely….’
Because we don’t like children do we Pips?
‘and still talking to you’.
That’s it Pips. It’s time to go.
‘But you do see them?’
‘Oh yeah. Every weekend. I drive up there on Friday night and stay with friends – I’ve got some good friends up there - do stuff with the kids as much as I can and come back Sunday evening’.
‘What do you do with them?’
Who cares Pips? Let’s go home.
‘All sorts. We usually go to the park and there’s a local pool so sometimes we go swimming. My son likes football so if Derby City are playing we’ll maybe go to a game’.
‘Do they come down to London sometimes?’
‘Occasionally but they’re too young to come on their own so it’s easier for me to go up there. And it’s less disruptive for them. When they’re older they’ll come more often. They’re coming here for Christmas’.
It’s time to go Pips. Let’s go let’s go let’s go let’s go let’s/
‘Well no they’re staying with their mum over Christmas but then I’m collecting them and bringing them back here for New Year. I was thinking of taking them to a show or something. I thought about ‘The Lion King’. A guy at work took his kids and said they loved it. Have you seen it?’
No we haven’t and we’re not interested either because we don’t like children do we Pips?
‘No I haven’t. I’ve heard it’s really good though’.
‘In fact that reminds me to call up about tickets. It’s nice for the kids to do things they wouldn’t do at home. Their mum doesn’t take them to the theatre so it’ll be a new thing for them. And then my brother’s coming over with his lot’.
‘He’s got children too has he?’
‘He’s got two and his new partner’s got three so...’
Three??!!! Come on Pips, let’s go. What are you waiting for?
‘it’ll be busy although he did say something about her taking her kids to visit their grandparents for New Year so I don’t know…….’
‘Gosh well that’s… great, I mean that you see your kids so much and/’
It is not good for us Pips. What are you talking about?
‘I don’t want to miss out on their growing up. I know it’s a cliché but… luckily Derby’s not that far. The traffic’s a nightmare getting back into London on Sundays, bloody hell it’s ridiculous but… I like getting out of London at weekends to be honest. What about you?’
‘Me? In what way?’
‘What do you get up to?’
‘Oh! Well… it’s just George and me so/’
‘George?’
‘My dog’.
‘Oh! Yes, of course’.
Yes Adrian. I’m still under the table. But I’m just leaving.
‘George you’ve been very quiet this evening’.
‘He’s been munching his way through a packet of salt and vinegar crisps down there’.
‘Yes he likes crisps. George?’
I’m going home Pips. See you later.
‘George?…. excuse me a second……… George oh no you’re not! Got you’.
But Pips/
‘Come and sit on my lap a moment……..’
HE’S GOT CHILDREN!
‘Ssssh! Sorry about that. He just gets something into his head and he’s off. So where was I? Oh yes. George and me. So… yes, my life is pretty simple really’.
‘Right. As you have probably gathered, mine isn’t!’
‘Well….’
‘The thing is… it would be great to have a relationship, it would, but…. to be honest I don’t really have time for one. I put myself on the website because….. actually I don’t know why I put myself on it. I was about to take myself off it in fact but then I got your email so…. the point is I’m hardly in London for starters. I work here, that’s all. Half of my life is in Derby. Well no, more than half. And my kids come first. That’s the way it is and I just don’t have much time for anything else. They’re my number one priority’.
‘Of course’.
‘I bet he’s a great dad George’.
I don’t care Pips.
‘He obviously loves his kids/’
Only because they’re his.
‘and wants to be involved with their growing up’.
But we don’t want to be. So that is that. Because we’re not interested.
‘I thought he was quite sweet’.
We’re not interested we’re not interested we’re not interested we’re not interested/
‘I liked the fact that he was honest about his kids being his top priority’.
I notice you didn’t you say that I was your top priority Pips. When he said his kids were his number one priority you could have said ‘George is my number one priority’. It was the perfect opportunity. But no, nothing.
‘I think I want someone who has some time for me though and I don’t see any room in his life for a girlfriend, do you?’
Or for me Pips. Or for me! It is not all about you.
‘I mean what’s the point in getting involved with someone who has no time or space in his life for you?’
There isn’t any point Pips. There would be no fun in that for us at all. None at all.
‘I’d just end up feeling like an inconvenience’.
When in fact his children would be the inconvenience wouldn’t they?
‘I’d just be lonely….’
Because we don’t like children do we Pips?
‘and still talking to you’.
Eighty Eight
‘George where are you? I can’t see you’.
I’m here Pips, I’m here.
‘What were you doing behind the tree/ whoops! Shit’.
Careful Pips.
‘Don’t let go of me George or I’ll fall over’.
I’m not holding on to you Pips. I’m on the lead.
‘I feel really dizzy. I think I drank too much’.
Yes you did.
‘Gosh it’s cold. I didn’t realise it was so cold outside’.
Will’s friends Magda and Siobhan offered to give us a lift home when they were leaving but you said ‘no, it only takes us a couple of minutes to walk, besides which George will need to pee’ which I have done Pips just now thank you very much. Behind the tree, since you were asking what I was doing there.
‘It was a great party wasn’t it?’
Yes it was Pips. It was terrific. Mind the bench!
‘Did you have fun with Freddie?’
I did. We took it in turns to pull the laundry out of the washing machine/
‘Terry and Will are so lovely together’.
‘and then we put it in their bed with Freddie’s bone as a birthday surprise for Terry. I think he will be thrilled.
‘I was thinking George’.
What?
‘I was thinking…..’
What Pips?
‘What was I thinking? I’ve forgotten now what I was thinking’.
You need to get home Pips. Come on. You’re tired and drunk.
‘Look at the moon George. See how big and low it is?’
Yes it’s magnificent but you are not walking in a straight line Pips and I feel we should get you home before you fall over and can’t get up.
‘I know what I was thinking. I think……. I would like a boyfriend who is gay’.
What?
‘What do you think George?’
I think that’s a stupid idea Pips. I really do.
‘It would make things so much easier’.
In what way exactly?
‘Gay men are always so much nicer to me that straight men. They always have been’.
You know you shouldn’t get on to the subject of men because it just upsets you.
‘They don’t make me feel inadequate because I’m not 25 anymore or tall, skinny and blonde or….’
You’re not going to start crying are you Pips?
‘I just never feel good enough…..’
Oh no. Don’t start crying Pips. We have to get home.
‘Why is everything so complicated?’
Keep walking Pips keep walking.
‘I don’t know why I bother George. It’s all hopeless’.
Not far to go now Pips. And when we get home I think you should make yourself a nice hot water bottle for bed and, if so, I may join you tonight.
‘I’ve got a shitty job…’
Working for a tosser, yes. That is true.
‘And I’ve read I don’t know how many bloody self-help books which haven’t helped me at all and I mean….. what’s the point in any of it if no-one is going to be interested?’
We’re almost home. We are. Don’t stop now…
‘Will and Terry look after each other. They really care for each other’.
Freddie says they have huge rows over little things sometimes, actually.
‘Life is just meaningless without someone to share it with’.
But we are sharing it Pips.
‘I mean I have you but…’
But what?
‘If you were a man George, would you find me attractive? Or would you ignore me because I’m not Angelina Jolie?’
Well as a matter of fact I think Angelina is a very lovely girl… Look! We’re home Pips!
‘I bet the only reason you like me at all is because you’re a dog… Where are my keys?’
They’re in your bag where you put them.
‘If you were a man I bet you’d prefer to be living with Angelina Jolie. Where are my keys?’
Careful you don’t fall in the dustbin Pips, you’re swaying.
‘Here they are. I’ve got them!’
And don’t drop the keys in the bin either if you don’t mind.
‘Here we go George. Let me just….. unlock…… did you see the moon by the way?’
Yes I did. You pointed it out earlier thank you.
‘There we are. In you go’.
In I go. By the way, coming back to your question. I think I would very much like to live with Angelina as she is a terrific girl but no, on reflection I would prefer to be right here where I am, with you. Yes I would Pips, because you don’t have children.
I’m here Pips, I’m here.
‘What were you doing behind the tree/ whoops! Shit’.
Careful Pips.
‘Don’t let go of me George or I’ll fall over’.
I’m not holding on to you Pips. I’m on the lead.
‘I feel really dizzy. I think I drank too much’.
Yes you did.
‘Gosh it’s cold. I didn’t realise it was so cold outside’.
Will’s friends Magda and Siobhan offered to give us a lift home when they were leaving but you said ‘no, it only takes us a couple of minutes to walk, besides which George will need to pee’ which I have done Pips just now thank you very much. Behind the tree, since you were asking what I was doing there.
‘It was a great party wasn’t it?’
Yes it was Pips. It was terrific. Mind the bench!
‘Did you have fun with Freddie?’
I did. We took it in turns to pull the laundry out of the washing machine/
‘Terry and Will are so lovely together’.
‘and then we put it in their bed with Freddie’s bone as a birthday surprise for Terry. I think he will be thrilled.
‘I was thinking George’.
What?
‘I was thinking…..’
What Pips?
‘What was I thinking? I’ve forgotten now what I was thinking’.
You need to get home Pips. Come on. You’re tired and drunk.
‘Look at the moon George. See how big and low it is?’
Yes it’s magnificent but you are not walking in a straight line Pips and I feel we should get you home before you fall over and can’t get up.
‘I know what I was thinking. I think……. I would like a boyfriend who is gay’.
What?
‘What do you think George?’
I think that’s a stupid idea Pips. I really do.
‘It would make things so much easier’.
In what way exactly?
‘Gay men are always so much nicer to me that straight men. They always have been’.
You know you shouldn’t get on to the subject of men because it just upsets you.
‘They don’t make me feel inadequate because I’m not 25 anymore or tall, skinny and blonde or….’
You’re not going to start crying are you Pips?
‘I just never feel good enough…..’
Oh no. Don’t start crying Pips. We have to get home.
‘Why is everything so complicated?’
Keep walking Pips keep walking.
‘I don’t know why I bother George. It’s all hopeless’.
Not far to go now Pips. And when we get home I think you should make yourself a nice hot water bottle for bed and, if so, I may join you tonight.
‘I’ve got a shitty job…’
Working for a tosser, yes. That is true.
‘And I’ve read I don’t know how many bloody self-help books which haven’t helped me at all and I mean….. what’s the point in any of it if no-one is going to be interested?’
We’re almost home. We are. Don’t stop now…
‘Will and Terry look after each other. They really care for each other’.
Freddie says they have huge rows over little things sometimes, actually.
‘Life is just meaningless without someone to share it with’.
But we are sharing it Pips.
‘I mean I have you but…’
But what?
‘If you were a man George, would you find me attractive? Or would you ignore me because I’m not Angelina Jolie?’
Well as a matter of fact I think Angelina is a very lovely girl… Look! We’re home Pips!
‘I bet the only reason you like me at all is because you’re a dog… Where are my keys?’
They’re in your bag where you put them.
‘If you were a man I bet you’d prefer to be living with Angelina Jolie. Where are my keys?’
Careful you don’t fall in the dustbin Pips, you’re swaying.
‘Here they are. I’ve got them!’
And don’t drop the keys in the bin either if you don’t mind.
‘Here we go George. Let me just….. unlock…… did you see the moon by the way?’
Yes I did. You pointed it out earlier thank you.
‘There we are. In you go’.
In I go. By the way, coming back to your question. I think I would very much like to live with Angelina as she is a terrific girl but no, on reflection I would prefer to be right here where I am, with you. Yes I would Pips, because you don’t have children.
Eighty Seven
….although it does still wobble a bit Pips I have to say. I could feel it. I really could. Your phone is ringing. Your phone is ringing Pips!
‘Who’s calling now?..... It’s Abbie…. Hi Abbie, how are you?....... We’re just walking into the Turbine Hall at Tate Modern……. No I can’t because I’ve got George so we’re just going to the shop to get a present for Terry - it’s his birthday on Saturday and he’s having a party and George and I are invited - but we saw her spider outside….’
We saw Louise’s giant spider Abbie. I think it’s magnificent, I do!
‘So have you booked it?....’
Pips look! Look Pips!
‘Oh wait, I’ve just seen that other installation…’
The floor has opened up!
‘I don’t know what it’s called. The one with the gap…. that chasm…. wow, it’s amazing. But anyway so what time did you book it for?’
It’s called Shibboleth Pips, if you read.
‘But can Laura make that time?’
And it says here……
‘I thought she said she had yoga until eight o’clock’.
“It encourages us to confront uncomfortable truths/
‘Seven thirty? Are you sure?’.
about our history and ourselves”.
‘OK, maybe I got it wrong then’.
Well that’s terrific.
‘That’s what I thought she said’.
Look Pips! It gets bigg/…whoops!.. HELP! PIPS HELP!
‘Oh my God! Abbie hang on, George has fallen into the bloody thing’.
PIPS HELP ME! I’M STUCK! I’M STUCK!
‘Coming George! Hold on Abbie, he’s hanging…. George stop scrabbling or you’ll make it worse’.
QUICK PIPS GET ME OUT!
‘I’m here, I’m here. Let’s lift you out…………… There we go……..What were you doing?’
I was just looking, Pips, and showing an interest as I believe I am supposed to do.
‘I think your fat stomach stopped you from falling right in there. Are you all right. Is your tummy OK?’
No Pips, it hurts actually.
‘Miss?’
‘Oh no. I think we’d better go. I don’t think you’re supposed to be in here George’.
‘Excuse me? Miss?’
‘Don’t look at him George. Let’s just/’
‘My God I saw that. Is your little dog all right?’
‘Yes he’s fine. He’ll be fine’.
NO I AM NOT FINE PIPS! I THINK I MAY HAVE BROKEN SEVERAL RIBS.
‘Sssh sssh’.
‘I saw him lose his footing. He just slipped and got caught in there’.
‘Miss? Dogs aren’t allowed in here’.
‘I was just going to the shop, that’s all’.
‘Pets aren’t allowed in the building. This installation isn’t safe for animals’.
YOU’RE TELLING ME SUNSHINE! IT’S A HEALTH AND SAFETY HAZARD. I COULD HAVE FALLEN RIGHT DOWN INSIDE AND BEEN SWALLOWED UP BY THE FLOOR!
‘We’re just going. I’m sorry. I thought it would be OK just to go to the shop’.
‘Poor little thing. Kerry? Did you see that? He was hanging there…’
‘Miss?’
‘Not again….’
‘Is this your mobile?’
‘Oh! Yes. Thanks. I must have dropped it’.
'You’re lucky it didn’t fall down there too’.
‘Yes. We’re just leaving. Sorry’.
‘Vince? Is everything OK?’
‘Yes she’s leaving’.
‘Amazing isn’t it? Since when were animals allowed in a gallery? That’s one thing you learn in this place. There’s always some stupid idiot with a dog……’
‘Who’s calling now?..... It’s Abbie…. Hi Abbie, how are you?....... We’re just walking into the Turbine Hall at Tate Modern……. No I can’t because I’ve got George so we’re just going to the shop to get a present for Terry - it’s his birthday on Saturday and he’s having a party and George and I are invited - but we saw her spider outside….’
We saw Louise’s giant spider Abbie. I think it’s magnificent, I do!
‘So have you booked it?....’
Pips look! Look Pips!
‘Oh wait, I’ve just seen that other installation…’
The floor has opened up!
‘I don’t know what it’s called. The one with the gap…. that chasm…. wow, it’s amazing. But anyway so what time did you book it for?’
It’s called Shibboleth Pips, if you read.
‘But can Laura make that time?’
And it says here……
‘I thought she said she had yoga until eight o’clock’.
“It encourages us to confront uncomfortable truths/
‘Seven thirty? Are you sure?’.
about our history and ourselves”.
‘OK, maybe I got it wrong then’.
Well that’s terrific.
‘That’s what I thought she said’.
Look Pips! It gets bigg/…whoops!.. HELP! PIPS HELP!
‘Oh my God! Abbie hang on, George has fallen into the bloody thing’.
PIPS HELP ME! I’M STUCK! I’M STUCK!
‘Coming George! Hold on Abbie, he’s hanging…. George stop scrabbling or you’ll make it worse’.
QUICK PIPS GET ME OUT!
‘I’m here, I’m here. Let’s lift you out…………… There we go……..What were you doing?’
I was just looking, Pips, and showing an interest as I believe I am supposed to do.
‘I think your fat stomach stopped you from falling right in there. Are you all right. Is your tummy OK?’
No Pips, it hurts actually.
‘Miss?’
‘Oh no. I think we’d better go. I don’t think you’re supposed to be in here George’.
‘Excuse me? Miss?’
‘Don’t look at him George. Let’s just/’
‘My God I saw that. Is your little dog all right?’
‘Yes he’s fine. He’ll be fine’.
NO I AM NOT FINE PIPS! I THINK I MAY HAVE BROKEN SEVERAL RIBS.
‘Sssh sssh’.
‘I saw him lose his footing. He just slipped and got caught in there’.
‘Miss? Dogs aren’t allowed in here’.
‘I was just going to the shop, that’s all’.
‘Pets aren’t allowed in the building. This installation isn’t safe for animals’.
YOU’RE TELLING ME SUNSHINE! IT’S A HEALTH AND SAFETY HAZARD. I COULD HAVE FALLEN RIGHT DOWN INSIDE AND BEEN SWALLOWED UP BY THE FLOOR!
‘We’re just going. I’m sorry. I thought it would be OK just to go to the shop’.
‘Poor little thing. Kerry? Did you see that? He was hanging there…’
‘Miss?’
‘Not again….’
‘Is this your mobile?’
‘Oh! Yes. Thanks. I must have dropped it’.
'You’re lucky it didn’t fall down there too’.
‘Yes. We’re just leaving. Sorry’.
‘Vince? Is everything OK?’
‘Yes she’s leaving’.
‘Amazing isn’t it? Since when were animals allowed in a gallery? That’s one thing you learn in this place. There’s always some stupid idiot with a dog……’
Eighty Six
Pips? I don’t feel like going in to work today so – whoops, you just dropped a bit of toast but don’t worry I’ll get it………- so I am going to stay at home if you don’t mind.
‘Remind me to get a new battery for my alarm clock at lunchtime George’.
The thing is that since my resignation as stationery manager, which I had no choice about in the circumstances, I have not been enjoying my days at the office/
‘Now where’s your lead?’
which is understandable because the knowledge and management skills I have been building up over the past year are not being used anymore/
‘Oh God and it looks like it’s going to rain. Have you seen the umbrella?’
and the days have become meaningless to me without my being able to pursue my passion.
‘Ah! Got it!’
In fact I have been asking myself many questions this week as to how I can find a new role for myself within an organisation that is unappreciative of what I have to offer.
‘OK let’s go George’.
Because what is the point of working hard at something when nobody notices. And what good is a passion if you cannot exercise it? I have been wondering why I, George, am here on this earth and also wishing I had a lovely girl/
‘George come on’.
to take care of me and to play with. And also to share my love of stationery. Someone who will appreciate me even though I am no longer stationery manager. These are just a few of my thoughts.
‘Quickly! We’re going to be late’.
So I am going to stay here today and curl up under your duvet with my bone as I find it a great comfort at times like these.
‘George get out of the bed… …………….. Here we go. Please George don’t be difficult……………. I know it’s boring for you to come to work with me every day but that’s just the way it is. If I had a partner, you could stay at home with him, sometimes, perhaps, if he worked from home and didn’t mind having you, but I haven’t so there’s no way around it. And you know I’m trying to do something about that but it’s not my fault if they cancel, don’t turn up, or talk at me all evening because they’re egomaniacs. And then I go into work and have to listen to Simon bitching and moaning about Lindsay just because she wants to know what time he’ll be home so she can have a meal ready on the table for him and it drives me bloody mad. So you’re not the only one who doesn’t like going to work………. George?.......... I know you’re listening to me under there…. Come on, we don’t have the time to play hide and seek right now and you know you’re not allowed under my duvet, it’s really unhygienic. ………… George come out now! If you’ve got fleas I don’t want them in my bed and I also don’t like being ignored ………………. BOO! Ha! Got you!’
LEAVE ME IN BED I WANT TO STAY IN BED AND I AM NOT PLAYING HIDE AND SEEK PIPS I AM HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS IF YOU DON’T MIND!
‘Don’t snap at me George’.
And for your information I have only five fleas. Three live under my collar, one in my ear and one on my stomach which/… no wait. That one has just left me.
‘Remind me to get a new battery for my alarm clock at lunchtime George’.
The thing is that since my resignation as stationery manager, which I had no choice about in the circumstances, I have not been enjoying my days at the office/
‘Now where’s your lead?’
which is understandable because the knowledge and management skills I have been building up over the past year are not being used anymore/
‘Oh God and it looks like it’s going to rain. Have you seen the umbrella?’
and the days have become meaningless to me without my being able to pursue my passion.
‘Ah! Got it!’
In fact I have been asking myself many questions this week as to how I can find a new role for myself within an organisation that is unappreciative of what I have to offer.
‘OK let’s go George’.
Because what is the point of working hard at something when nobody notices. And what good is a passion if you cannot exercise it? I have been wondering why I, George, am here on this earth and also wishing I had a lovely girl/
‘George come on’.
to take care of me and to play with. And also to share my love of stationery. Someone who will appreciate me even though I am no longer stationery manager. These are just a few of my thoughts.
‘Quickly! We’re going to be late’.
So I am going to stay here today and curl up under your duvet with my bone as I find it a great comfort at times like these.
‘George get out of the bed… …………….. Here we go. Please George don’t be difficult……………. I know it’s boring for you to come to work with me every day but that’s just the way it is. If I had a partner, you could stay at home with him, sometimes, perhaps, if he worked from home and didn’t mind having you, but I haven’t so there’s no way around it. And you know I’m trying to do something about that but it’s not my fault if they cancel, don’t turn up, or talk at me all evening because they’re egomaniacs. And then I go into work and have to listen to Simon bitching and moaning about Lindsay just because she wants to know what time he’ll be home so she can have a meal ready on the table for him and it drives me bloody mad. So you’re not the only one who doesn’t like going to work………. George?.......... I know you’re listening to me under there…. Come on, we don’t have the time to play hide and seek right now and you know you’re not allowed under my duvet, it’s really unhygienic. ………… George come out now! If you’ve got fleas I don’t want them in my bed and I also don’t like being ignored ………………. BOO! Ha! Got you!’
LEAVE ME IN BED I WANT TO STAY IN BED AND I AM NOT PLAYING HIDE AND SEEK PIPS I AM HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS IF YOU DON’T MIND!
‘Don’t snap at me George’.
And for your information I have only five fleas. Three live under my collar, one in my ear and one on my stomach which/… no wait. That one has just left me.
Eighty Five
‘……darling I’ve told you, that’s the way it is. Why are you making such a big deal out of it?’
Simon?
‘Look I can’t talk now. I’m busy. I’ve got a lot of catching up to do’.
Simon?
‘And the sickbag has just walked in’.
I would like to have a meeting with you Simon, if I may, about my job as stationery manager within the comp/
‘I told you I don’t know! If I knew I’d tell you. We’ll talk la/… Lindsay? Lin/……? Great. That’s just perfect’.
Did she hang up on you Simon?
‘What is it with women? At the beginning they don’t mind about anything, nothing’s too much trouble, and then one day they turn around and mind about everything. Now what’s the matter with you?’
I would just like a meeting to discuss/
‘By the way you know what?’
What?
‘It’s appraisal time again soon’.
In that case it is even more important that we discuss my role/
‘You know what that means don’t you?’
If I could just finish Simon/
‘Trouble for you. Oh yes. And I’m looking forward to it. Can’t wait. Because I’ve seen you in the stationery cupboard’.
Well that is just what I wish to talk to you about actually because I feel that my work is not being appreciated which is probably because you do not understand exactly what it is I do on a daily basis.
‘I see you in there on my way to Jason’s office’.
And I notice you passing, but I feel it is important that you are aware that as Nadine cannot stand stationery and so can’t be bothered, which I am not complaining about because I very much enjoy it as a matter of fact and am very willing/
‘He’s seen you in there too’.
to take on the role of stationery manager which I have been undertaking for some time now, and you’re welcome, the point is that despite constant stock checks it is very difficult for me to keep up with the never-ending demand for stationery supplies on my own,
‘I want to know what you get up to’.
when I do not feel support/
‘You could be taking a dump in there for all I know’.
I beg your pardon?
‘George? What are you doing in Simon’s room?’
‘Leave him Philippa. We’re just having a cosy little cha/’
I BEG YOUR PARDON SIMON! I BEG YOUR PARDON!
‘George?’
I BEG YOUR PARDON! HOW DARE YOU SUGGEST THAT I WOULD DO SUCH A THING!
‘Hey hey, steady on!’
Right. That is it. Never in my life have I been spoken to like that and I have no intention of putting up with it. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! So you know what? I take it all back. STUFF YOUR STATIONERY! YOU CAN ORDER IT YOURSELF! ALL YOUR POST-IT NOTES AND MAGIC TAPE AND INDEX DIVIDERS AND STAPLES AND PAPERCLIPS AND BIC BIROS/
‘George what’s the matter?’
BECAUSE I RESIGN. YES I DO. GEORGE IS RESIGNING! RIGHT NOW! RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE!
‘Look at him Philippa. He’s getting really steamed up. Hey sickbag calm down’.
DO NOT TELL ME TO CALM DOWN! DO NOT TELL ME TO CALM DOWN!
‘Come on George, I think we’d better/’
DO NOT PICK ME UP PIPS! I AM HAVING A MEETING WITH SIMON/
‘Bloody hell he’s hysterical! What’s got into him?’
AND I’LL TELL YOU SOMETHING ELSE YOU TOSSER! IF I FELT THE NEED TO TAKE A DUMP WHILE STOCKTAKING I MOST CERTAINLY WOULD NOT DO IT IN THE STATIONERY CUPBOARD. OH NO. I WOULD TAKE THE TIME TO COME BACK HERE TO YOUR OFFICE AND I WOULD DO IT RIGHT THERE. ON YOUR DESIGNER CHAIR!
‘Sssh George! I’m going deaf from the racquet’
AND I’D TAKE A DUMP YOU’D NEVER FORGET!
‘OK that’s enough now George. Ssssh! Let’s get you out of here’.
Simon?
‘Look I can’t talk now. I’m busy. I’ve got a lot of catching up to do’.
Simon?
‘And the sickbag has just walked in’.
I would like to have a meeting with you Simon, if I may, about my job as stationery manager within the comp/
‘I told you I don’t know! If I knew I’d tell you. We’ll talk la/… Lindsay? Lin/……? Great. That’s just perfect’.
Did she hang up on you Simon?
‘What is it with women? At the beginning they don’t mind about anything, nothing’s too much trouble, and then one day they turn around and mind about everything. Now what’s the matter with you?’
I would just like a meeting to discuss/
‘By the way you know what?’
What?
‘It’s appraisal time again soon’.
In that case it is even more important that we discuss my role/
‘You know what that means don’t you?’
If I could just finish Simon/
‘Trouble for you. Oh yes. And I’m looking forward to it. Can’t wait. Because I’ve seen you in the stationery cupboard’.
Well that is just what I wish to talk to you about actually because I feel that my work is not being appreciated which is probably because you do not understand exactly what it is I do on a daily basis.
‘I see you in there on my way to Jason’s office’.
And I notice you passing, but I feel it is important that you are aware that as Nadine cannot stand stationery and so can’t be bothered, which I am not complaining about because I very much enjoy it as a matter of fact and am very willing/
‘He’s seen you in there too’.
to take on the role of stationery manager which I have been undertaking for some time now, and you’re welcome, the point is that despite constant stock checks it is very difficult for me to keep up with the never-ending demand for stationery supplies on my own,
‘I want to know what you get up to’.
when I do not feel support/
‘You could be taking a dump in there for all I know’.
I beg your pardon?
‘George? What are you doing in Simon’s room?’
‘Leave him Philippa. We’re just having a cosy little cha/’
I BEG YOUR PARDON SIMON! I BEG YOUR PARDON!
‘George?’
I BEG YOUR PARDON! HOW DARE YOU SUGGEST THAT I WOULD DO SUCH A THING!
‘Hey hey, steady on!’
Right. That is it. Never in my life have I been spoken to like that and I have no intention of putting up with it. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! So you know what? I take it all back. STUFF YOUR STATIONERY! YOU CAN ORDER IT YOURSELF! ALL YOUR POST-IT NOTES AND MAGIC TAPE AND INDEX DIVIDERS AND STAPLES AND PAPERCLIPS AND BIC BIROS/
‘George what’s the matter?’
BECAUSE I RESIGN. YES I DO. GEORGE IS RESIGNING! RIGHT NOW! RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE!
‘Look at him Philippa. He’s getting really steamed up. Hey sickbag calm down’.
DO NOT TELL ME TO CALM DOWN! DO NOT TELL ME TO CALM DOWN!
‘Come on George, I think we’d better/’
DO NOT PICK ME UP PIPS! I AM HAVING A MEETING WITH SIMON/
‘Bloody hell he’s hysterical! What’s got into him?’
AND I’LL TELL YOU SOMETHING ELSE YOU TOSSER! IF I FELT THE NEED TO TAKE A DUMP WHILE STOCKTAKING I MOST CERTAINLY WOULD NOT DO IT IN THE STATIONERY CUPBOARD. OH NO. I WOULD TAKE THE TIME TO COME BACK HERE TO YOUR OFFICE AND I WOULD DO IT RIGHT THERE. ON YOUR DESIGNER CHAIR!
‘Sssh George! I’m going deaf from the racquet’
AND I’D TAKE A DUMP YOU’D NEVER FORGET!
‘OK that’s enough now George. Ssssh! Let’s get you out of here’.
Eighty Four
I messed up Freddie I messed up! I messed up!
‘Calm down George. You forgot to order some plastic folders, that’s all’.
I didn’t forget Freddie. I didn’t even notice we had run out of them. I cannot believe myself.
‘OK well whatever the reason it was only a few plastic folders’.
They come in packs of a hundred Freddie.
‘Right. Well don’t worry about it too much George’.
But this is the sort of thing that happens if you don’t pay attention to stationery. Supplies run down very quickly you see? Managing a stationery cupboard is not as easy as it may seem Freddie.
‘I am beginning to understand that’.
It is extremely complicated and demands great attention to detail which is where I slipped up.
‘With all due respect to your job George, a few plastic folders here or there/’
But they weren’t here or there Freddie! That was the problem.
‘OK, but in the overall scheme of things, when you look at the bigger picture, taking issues like global warming into account, being short of a few plastic folders is inconvenient but it is not the end of the world. Which is not to say that they aren’t important’.
Do you think there is something wrong with my attitude towards stationery?
‘In what way?’
Simon said to Pips that there was something dodgy about me and stationery but as you know Freddie, I feel it is my calling. Although I am now questioning it since I messed up.
‘You made a little mistake George. We all do that sometimes’.
Well the thing is there is one other slight thing.
‘What do you mean?’
There are also too many of certain items in stock.
‘Like what?’
Tippex for example. I was aware of it but/
‘How much Tippex is too much?’
A hundred bottles.
‘A HUNDRED BOTTLES?!!’
Like I said Freddie, managing a stationery cupboard is very complicated.
‘Well stop ordering Tippex George, for a start’.
The problem is that Nadine is very fond of it. I do not like to blame anyone but I have to say that in this particular case I have often told her that we have enough of it but she does not listen. Although it is true that it is better to over-order than under-order actually.
‘All right George, forget about the Tippex but have you ordered plenty of the folders now?’
Pips did. She was very cross and told Nadine to order some immediately.
‘So when will they be delivered?’
They arrived on Friday.
‘So they’ve already come in? Then why all the fuss?’
The problem is that I have lost confidence in my stationery ordering abilities.
‘George pull yourself together. Everyone makes mistakes sometimes’.
But it is my job Freddie.
‘Well I am sure Simon screws up in his job occasionally too’.
No he doesn’t because he doesn’t do anything apart from make a few phone calls and go to the occasional meeting which is why he has nothing better to do than criticise what everyone else does.
‘Has he ever been responsible for office supplies?’
I don’t think so although I have never asked him actually.
‘I think perhaps you should explain to him what your job involves on a daily basis so that he can understand exactly what managing a stationery cupboard involves. In that way he will appreciate the problems you face and also hopefully understand a little better your contribution to the company’.
Do you think he will listen?
‘He may not George but at least you will feel better for having told him’.
You are right Freddie. That is a super idea. I will do that.
‘Just remain professional George’.
You needn’t worry in that department Freddie.
‘Good’.
‘Calm down George. You forgot to order some plastic folders, that’s all’.
I didn’t forget Freddie. I didn’t even notice we had run out of them. I cannot believe myself.
‘OK well whatever the reason it was only a few plastic folders’.
They come in packs of a hundred Freddie.
‘Right. Well don’t worry about it too much George’.
But this is the sort of thing that happens if you don’t pay attention to stationery. Supplies run down very quickly you see? Managing a stationery cupboard is not as easy as it may seem Freddie.
‘I am beginning to understand that’.
It is extremely complicated and demands great attention to detail which is where I slipped up.
‘With all due respect to your job George, a few plastic folders here or there/’
But they weren’t here or there Freddie! That was the problem.
‘OK, but in the overall scheme of things, when you look at the bigger picture, taking issues like global warming into account, being short of a few plastic folders is inconvenient but it is not the end of the world. Which is not to say that they aren’t important’.
Do you think there is something wrong with my attitude towards stationery?
‘In what way?’
Simon said to Pips that there was something dodgy about me and stationery but as you know Freddie, I feel it is my calling. Although I am now questioning it since I messed up.
‘You made a little mistake George. We all do that sometimes’.
Well the thing is there is one other slight thing.
‘What do you mean?’
There are also too many of certain items in stock.
‘Like what?’
Tippex for example. I was aware of it but/
‘How much Tippex is too much?’
A hundred bottles.
‘A HUNDRED BOTTLES?!!’
Like I said Freddie, managing a stationery cupboard is very complicated.
‘Well stop ordering Tippex George, for a start’.
The problem is that Nadine is very fond of it. I do not like to blame anyone but I have to say that in this particular case I have often told her that we have enough of it but she does not listen. Although it is true that it is better to over-order than under-order actually.
‘All right George, forget about the Tippex but have you ordered plenty of the folders now?’
Pips did. She was very cross and told Nadine to order some immediately.
‘So when will they be delivered?’
They arrived on Friday.
‘So they’ve already come in? Then why all the fuss?’
The problem is that I have lost confidence in my stationery ordering abilities.
‘George pull yourself together. Everyone makes mistakes sometimes’.
But it is my job Freddie.
‘Well I am sure Simon screws up in his job occasionally too’.
No he doesn’t because he doesn’t do anything apart from make a few phone calls and go to the occasional meeting which is why he has nothing better to do than criticise what everyone else does.
‘Has he ever been responsible for office supplies?’
I don’t think so although I have never asked him actually.
‘I think perhaps you should explain to him what your job involves on a daily basis so that he can understand exactly what managing a stationery cupboard involves. In that way he will appreciate the problems you face and also hopefully understand a little better your contribution to the company’.
Do you think he will listen?
‘He may not George but at least you will feel better for having told him’.
You are right Freddie. That is a super idea. I will do that.
‘Just remain professional George’.
You needn’t worry in that department Freddie.
‘Good’.
Eighty Three
‘Hi Simon. Welcome back. How were the Seychelles?’
‘I’m feeling jetlagged and I need a double espresso’.
‘Right. Well I’ll go and get it for you now’.
‘We had a nightmare flight back’.
‘Why? What happened?’
‘Don’t ask. Is Jason around?’
‘He’s out at a meeting but will be back late morning’.
‘I need a word with him’.
‘Here’s your espresso’.
‘Can you get me some of those clear plastic folders from the stationery cupboard? I’ve got some things I want to sort out’.
‘How many do you need?’
‘I don’t know. About ten? What’s the weather been like while I was away?’
‘About the same as the rest of the summer. A little sunnier but/’
‘Ugh!’
‘What’s….?’
‘What have they done to this coffee?’
‘I don’t know… I mean it’s the usual…oh, the phone! I’ll just get that’.
‘If it’s Lindsay I’m out of the office’.
‘So he obviously didn’t have a good holiday with Lindsay and he’s now trying to worm his way out of the relationship. It always happens George. And it’ll be all her fault just you wait. Now let’s have a look and see if we’ve got some of those plastic folders’.
Allow me Pips.
‘George get your fat bottom out of the cupboard. I can’t see’.
But I can find them for you. There should be some just…… here……
‘Can you see them George?’
somewhere………
‘I can’t see any. Can you?’
Perhaps they are on the other shelf….
‘I only need ten of them’.
Let me see………..um………
‘We should have some. We always need them’.
They should be just….. here….
‘It doesn’t look like we’ve got any’.
Wait a minute I think/
‘You know what? This really pisses me off George. This cupboard is supposed to be kept stocked up’.
Yes of course Pips. If you could just move over a little bit I think there may be some/
‘Why can no-one do their job properly?’
just over….
‘How difficult can it be to keep a stationery cupboard stocked up for God’s sake! It’s not rocket science!’
Although I have to say it is an extremely delicate operation and/
‘The one thing Simon asks for in ages and we haven’t got it’.
I can understand your frustration Pi/
‘That’s just super’.
I think perhaps I can explain what might have happ/
‘And this cupboard is a bloody mess. Why have we got 10 boxes of Tippex?’
Well the thing is/
‘That’s about a hundred bottles!’
Yes, it is and…… far be it from me to blame someone else/
‘Get out of the cupboard George’.
but Nadine does not always order what I ask/
‘NOW!’
Yes Pips.
‘Why aren’t there any?’
‘I don’t.. well obviously they weren’t ordered. But I’ll pop out to the stationers right now and get you some’.
‘It never ceases to amaze me how even the simplest task in this place is beyond our capability. Sometimes I think I employ a bunch of morons. What’s the point in having a stationery cupboard with nothing in it?’
‘There are some things in it’.
‘Really? Like what? No don’t tell me. There’s probably hundreds of some utterly useless item that we never use like Tippex or something’.
‘Mmm….’
‘I blame the sickbag. He’s always hanging out in the stationery cupboard aren’t you?’
‘He just likes to be busy’.
‘Oh he’s busy all right. I don’t know what he gets up to, rummaging around in there. Hey sickbag! Where are you going?’
I am going to lie down for a while.
‘George? Are you OK? Is something the matter?’
‘Yeah I’ll tell you what the matter is. There’s something dodgy going on with that dog and stationery’.
‘I’m feeling jetlagged and I need a double espresso’.
‘Right. Well I’ll go and get it for you now’.
‘We had a nightmare flight back’.
‘Why? What happened?’
‘Don’t ask. Is Jason around?’
‘He’s out at a meeting but will be back late morning’.
‘I need a word with him’.
‘Here’s your espresso’.
‘Can you get me some of those clear plastic folders from the stationery cupboard? I’ve got some things I want to sort out’.
‘How many do you need?’
‘I don’t know. About ten? What’s the weather been like while I was away?’
‘About the same as the rest of the summer. A little sunnier but/’
‘Ugh!’
‘What’s….?’
‘What have they done to this coffee?’
‘I don’t know… I mean it’s the usual…oh, the phone! I’ll just get that’.
‘If it’s Lindsay I’m out of the office’.
‘So he obviously didn’t have a good holiday with Lindsay and he’s now trying to worm his way out of the relationship. It always happens George. And it’ll be all her fault just you wait. Now let’s have a look and see if we’ve got some of those plastic folders’.
Allow me Pips.
‘George get your fat bottom out of the cupboard. I can’t see’.
But I can find them for you. There should be some just…… here……
‘Can you see them George?’
somewhere………
‘I can’t see any. Can you?’
Perhaps they are on the other shelf….
‘I only need ten of them’.
Let me see………..um………
‘We should have some. We always need them’.
They should be just….. here….
‘It doesn’t look like we’ve got any’.
Wait a minute I think/
‘You know what? This really pisses me off George. This cupboard is supposed to be kept stocked up’.
Yes of course Pips. If you could just move over a little bit I think there may be some/
‘Why can no-one do their job properly?’
just over….
‘How difficult can it be to keep a stationery cupboard stocked up for God’s sake! It’s not rocket science!’
Although I have to say it is an extremely delicate operation and/
‘The one thing Simon asks for in ages and we haven’t got it’.
I can understand your frustration Pi/
‘That’s just super’.
I think perhaps I can explain what might have happ/
‘And this cupboard is a bloody mess. Why have we got 10 boxes of Tippex?’
Well the thing is/
‘That’s about a hundred bottles!’
Yes, it is and…… far be it from me to blame someone else/
‘Get out of the cupboard George’.
but Nadine does not always order what I ask/
‘NOW!’
Yes Pips.
‘Why aren’t there any?’
‘I don’t.. well obviously they weren’t ordered. But I’ll pop out to the stationers right now and get you some’.
‘It never ceases to amaze me how even the simplest task in this place is beyond our capability. Sometimes I think I employ a bunch of morons. What’s the point in having a stationery cupboard with nothing in it?’
‘There are some things in it’.
‘Really? Like what? No don’t tell me. There’s probably hundreds of some utterly useless item that we never use like Tippex or something’.
‘Mmm….’
‘I blame the sickbag. He’s always hanging out in the stationery cupboard aren’t you?’
‘He just likes to be busy’.
‘Oh he’s busy all right. I don’t know what he gets up to, rummaging around in there. Hey sickbag! Where are you going?’
I am going to lie down for a while.
‘George? Are you OK? Is something the matter?’
‘Yeah I’ll tell you what the matter is. There’s something dodgy going on with that dog and stationery’.
Eighty Two
‘And whatsmore not only did she leave $12 million to her dog, Trouble, but she left two of her grandchildren with nothing!’
Maybe they did not deserve anything Pips because….. they may have been nasty to Trouble for instance.
‘It’s not as if the dog was well-behaved. It says here ‘Trouble was an advertising star for Helmsley Hotels who apparently had a track record of biting members of staff’. Mmm. Sounds like someone I know’.
That was probably because she was always being picked up and put somewhere she did not want to be Pips.
‘I cannot get over leaving such a ridiculous amount of money to a dog. What an idiotic thing to do. What on earth is the dog going to do with $12 million?’
I do not see anything wrong with it. I would have no problem spending that money. In fact I have been giving a great deal of thought during this conversation as to what I would do with $12 million. First of all I should like to buy a garden to play rough and tumble in even though you have shown no interest in playing it with me which has been disappointing. Still, I should very much like a garden for myself. I would also like a new collar. I think a tartan one like Freddie’s would suit me very well. And if there is any money left over I should very much like a bowl with my name, George, on it. And if there is still money left over I would like gourmet rabbit dinners every day.
‘Apparently Trouble is not the first animal to receive a share of a will George. Listen to this: ‘Frankie, a Chihuahua, became the beneficiary of a one-third share of a $5 million home in San Diego’. Oh and you’ll like this George! ‘Jaspar, once a resident of Battersea Dogs home, is now master of a fortune of £150,000 after his owner left him £50,000 in shares in 1995’.’
That’s terrific Pips! I think I should very much like you to make a will.
‘I’ve never thought about making a will before but now I have you maybe I should. Although if I die tomorrow George I have nothing to leave you. In fact you are all I have to leave. Well, you and my flat’.
Don’t you have any shares Pi/……. Help! Pips I’m stuck! HELP!
‘Oh no wait George, your lead is wrapped around the lamppost’.
What do I need to do?
‘Come round the other side of it. No, walk backwards George’.
Where am I going?
‘You need to walk backwards’.
How do I walk backwards when I was going round?
‘Backwards George….. there we go. That’s it. You should know that you can’t walk the other side of a lamppost from me when you’re on the lead’.
Well you shouldn’t read the newspaper while we are walking along because not only is it rude when I am talking to you but you are not looking where I am walking and so it is your fault if you walk the wrong side of the lamppost. Now where was I? Oh yes. Are you sure you don’t have any shares or money hidden away that you have forgotten about?
‘The thing is I would hate for you to go back to Battersea if anything happened to me. I suppose I should think about who would look after you. Who would you like to look after you if I die George?’
I would very much like to live with Freddie.
‘You could go and live with my parents in the country’.
I should prefer to live with Freddie actually.
‘I don’t think Laura or Abbie could have you and Simon wouldn’t want you’.
I don’t want him either Pips. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO N/
‘Ssssh George. Perhaps I should speak to Terry. See if he and Will and Freddie would be prepared to take you on’.
They have already said they would have me Pips. Terry told me recently.
‘The main thing is for you to be happy George, wherever you might end up’.
I don’t think I would be really happy living without you Pips even if you have gone to a better place. But if it will make you happy I promise I will try. Are you absolutely sure you don’t have any shares or anything that you may have forgotten about?
‘Oh George I’m feeling tearful just thinking about it….’
Don’t cry Pips. I was just kidding. You know me.
Maybe they did not deserve anything Pips because….. they may have been nasty to Trouble for instance.
‘It’s not as if the dog was well-behaved. It says here ‘Trouble was an advertising star for Helmsley Hotels who apparently had a track record of biting members of staff’. Mmm. Sounds like someone I know’.
That was probably because she was always being picked up and put somewhere she did not want to be Pips.
‘I cannot get over leaving such a ridiculous amount of money to a dog. What an idiotic thing to do. What on earth is the dog going to do with $12 million?’
I do not see anything wrong with it. I would have no problem spending that money. In fact I have been giving a great deal of thought during this conversation as to what I would do with $12 million. First of all I should like to buy a garden to play rough and tumble in even though you have shown no interest in playing it with me which has been disappointing. Still, I should very much like a garden for myself. I would also like a new collar. I think a tartan one like Freddie’s would suit me very well. And if there is any money left over I should very much like a bowl with my name, George, on it. And if there is still money left over I would like gourmet rabbit dinners every day.
‘Apparently Trouble is not the first animal to receive a share of a will George. Listen to this: ‘Frankie, a Chihuahua, became the beneficiary of a one-third share of a $5 million home in San Diego’. Oh and you’ll like this George! ‘Jaspar, once a resident of Battersea Dogs home, is now master of a fortune of £150,000 after his owner left him £50,000 in shares in 1995’.’
That’s terrific Pips! I think I should very much like you to make a will.
‘I’ve never thought about making a will before but now I have you maybe I should. Although if I die tomorrow George I have nothing to leave you. In fact you are all I have to leave. Well, you and my flat’.
Don’t you have any shares Pi/……. Help! Pips I’m stuck! HELP!
‘Oh no wait George, your lead is wrapped around the lamppost’.
What do I need to do?
‘Come round the other side of it. No, walk backwards George’.
Where am I going?
‘You need to walk backwards’.
How do I walk backwards when I was going round?
‘Backwards George….. there we go. That’s it. You should know that you can’t walk the other side of a lamppost from me when you’re on the lead’.
Well you shouldn’t read the newspaper while we are walking along because not only is it rude when I am talking to you but you are not looking where I am walking and so it is your fault if you walk the wrong side of the lamppost. Now where was I? Oh yes. Are you sure you don’t have any shares or money hidden away that you have forgotten about?
‘The thing is I would hate for you to go back to Battersea if anything happened to me. I suppose I should think about who would look after you. Who would you like to look after you if I die George?’
I would very much like to live with Freddie.
‘You could go and live with my parents in the country’.
I should prefer to live with Freddie actually.
‘I don’t think Laura or Abbie could have you and Simon wouldn’t want you’.
I don’t want him either Pips. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO N/
‘Ssssh George. Perhaps I should speak to Terry. See if he and Will and Freddie would be prepared to take you on’.
They have already said they would have me Pips. Terry told me recently.
‘The main thing is for you to be happy George, wherever you might end up’.
I don’t think I would be really happy living without you Pips even if you have gone to a better place. But if it will make you happy I promise I will try. Are you absolutely sure you don’t have any shares or anything that you may have forgotten about?
‘Oh George I’m feeling tearful just thinking about it….’
Don’t cry Pips. I was just kidding. You know me.
Eighty One
‘Are you Philippa?’
‘Andrew?’
‘Yes. Hi’.
‘Hi’.
‘Sorry I’m a couple of minutes late. I couldn’t get out of work’.
‘Don’t worry. I saw you come in but you didn’t look like yourself. I mean from your photo’.
‘Really?’
‘So I wasn’t sure…. This is George by the way’.
‘Oh! I didn’t see him down there’.
Well I’m here Andrew and do not even think about being a tosser with Pips or you will have me to deal with.
‘I hope you like dogs’.
‘I prefer big ones but….’
Right Pips I think we are wasting our time with Andrew.
‘Hey let me get you a drink. What do you want?’
‘I think I’ll have.. a glass of red wine. Thanks’.
‘What do you like? Cabernet Sauvignon, Tempranillo, Shiraz…?’
She just wants a red wine Andrew. There’s no need to show-off.
‘George don’t pull. Where are you trying to go?’
Home Pips.
‘Last year I ran it almost twenty minutes faster. My friend Matt and I are going to do the New York marathon next year. We reckon we can probably manage to get out there for business at that time so we’ll get our flights and accommodation all paid for. I’ve already started training for it. I get a gym membership with work and I also run to the office two or three times a week/’
Your phone is ringing Andrew.
‘I’m sorry, I’m going to have to take this’.
‘That’s OK’.
‘Matt! I was just talking about you....... about our plans to run the New York marathon next year. Where are you?………OK, so what’s the deal?.....’
‘Have you ever been to Dubai?’
‘N/’
‘It’s amazing. Just going through the airport is incredible. They have Ferraris and Lamborghinis…. They’re all there. The money is mind-blowing! You’ve never seen anything like it! And there’s that six star hotel…. Shit, what’s its name? You know the one. With the helipad on the roof and Andre Agassi or whoever it was played tennis up there/’
Andrew? Your phone is ringing again.
‘Excuse me a second….. Tom! Where are you?............ Hey what’s the name of that six star hotel in Dubai with the tennis court on top?…….. Seven stars? Are you sure?......’
‘So we were up on this mountain pass with the weather coming in and we knew we were going to be pushed for time getting down. Our guide, who was this little guy from the local village who we’d paid to show us the way, was getting nervous. They always get worried those little guys. He didn’t like it that we kept stopping to take pictures but we got some fantastic photos!’
It’s your phone yet again Andrew.
‘Hang on a second….. Hey Keith where are you?............ No I’m in Islington at the moment……What? Seriously? ........’
‘Anyway so where was I?’
You were in the middle of being impressed by yourself Andr/
‘Oh yes! The photos we took. So I thought I’d send some of them off to the Lonely Planet and see if they’d be interested in publishing them in a guidebook or something because they’re much better than the ones they usually have/…..hang on, what….?
‘What’s the matter?’
‘I think your dog…… Hey! Get off!’
‘George? What are you doing down there?’
‘He’s chewing and pulling my laces’.
‘Oh that’s OK. I mean no it’s not OK. I didn’t mean that. I just thought for a second he might have bitten you, not that he bites but…… he’s probably hungry. Actually I should go home and feed him’.
‘Really?’
‘Yes, it’s way past his dinner time. He’ll be starving so….. I should. I’m sorry. It was nice meeting you’.
‘And you. I really enjoyed our chat’.
Andrew, Andrew
With your fancy shoes
Listen to you, listen to you
Andrew, Andrew
And your cellphone tunes
Someone’s calling you, calling you
Andrew, Andrew
Bored to death by you
Goodbye to you, adieu Andrew. What do you think Pips?
‘Thanks for giving me the perfect excuse to get away George’.
You’re welcome.
‘He might have been interesting if he had shown the slightest bit of interest in me. And he definitely wasn’t impressed by you’.
That’s because he’s a tosser Pips, that’s why.
‘Andrew?’
‘Yes. Hi’.
‘Hi’.
‘Sorry I’m a couple of minutes late. I couldn’t get out of work’.
‘Don’t worry. I saw you come in but you didn’t look like yourself. I mean from your photo’.
‘Really?’
‘So I wasn’t sure…. This is George by the way’.
‘Oh! I didn’t see him down there’.
Well I’m here Andrew and do not even think about being a tosser with Pips or you will have me to deal with.
‘I hope you like dogs’.
‘I prefer big ones but….’
Right Pips I think we are wasting our time with Andrew.
‘Hey let me get you a drink. What do you want?’
‘I think I’ll have.. a glass of red wine. Thanks’.
‘What do you like? Cabernet Sauvignon, Tempranillo, Shiraz…?’
She just wants a red wine Andrew. There’s no need to show-off.
‘George don’t pull. Where are you trying to go?’
Home Pips.
‘Last year I ran it almost twenty minutes faster. My friend Matt and I are going to do the New York marathon next year. We reckon we can probably manage to get out there for business at that time so we’ll get our flights and accommodation all paid for. I’ve already started training for it. I get a gym membership with work and I also run to the office two or three times a week/’
Your phone is ringing Andrew.
‘I’m sorry, I’m going to have to take this’.
‘That’s OK’.
‘Matt! I was just talking about you....... about our plans to run the New York marathon next year. Where are you?………OK, so what’s the deal?.....’
‘Have you ever been to Dubai?’
‘N/’
‘It’s amazing. Just going through the airport is incredible. They have Ferraris and Lamborghinis…. They’re all there. The money is mind-blowing! You’ve never seen anything like it! And there’s that six star hotel…. Shit, what’s its name? You know the one. With the helipad on the roof and Andre Agassi or whoever it was played tennis up there/’
Andrew? Your phone is ringing again.
‘Excuse me a second….. Tom! Where are you?............ Hey what’s the name of that six star hotel in Dubai with the tennis court on top?…….. Seven stars? Are you sure?......’
‘So we were up on this mountain pass with the weather coming in and we knew we were going to be pushed for time getting down. Our guide, who was this little guy from the local village who we’d paid to show us the way, was getting nervous. They always get worried those little guys. He didn’t like it that we kept stopping to take pictures but we got some fantastic photos!’
It’s your phone yet again Andrew.
‘Hang on a second….. Hey Keith where are you?............ No I’m in Islington at the moment……What? Seriously? ........’
‘Anyway so where was I?’
You were in the middle of being impressed by yourself Andr/
‘Oh yes! The photos we took. So I thought I’d send some of them off to the Lonely Planet and see if they’d be interested in publishing them in a guidebook or something because they’re much better than the ones they usually have/…..hang on, what….?
‘What’s the matter?’
‘I think your dog…… Hey! Get off!’
‘George? What are you doing down there?’
‘He’s chewing and pulling my laces’.
‘Oh that’s OK. I mean no it’s not OK. I didn’t mean that. I just thought for a second he might have bitten you, not that he bites but…… he’s probably hungry. Actually I should go home and feed him’.
‘Really?’
‘Yes, it’s way past his dinner time. He’ll be starving so….. I should. I’m sorry. It was nice meeting you’.
‘And you. I really enjoyed our chat’.
Andrew, Andrew
With your fancy shoes
Listen to you, listen to you
Andrew, Andrew
And your cellphone tunes
Someone’s calling you, calling you
Andrew, Andrew
Bored to death by you
Goodbye to you, adieu Andrew. What do you think Pips?
‘Thanks for giving me the perfect excuse to get away George’.
You’re welcome.
‘He might have been interesting if he had shown the slightest bit of interest in me. And he definitely wasn’t impressed by you’.
That’s because he’s a tosser Pips, that’s why.
Eighty
‘Oh dear. Not again’.
I am minding my own business Madge so mind yours if you don’t mind.
‘This really is not on. I presume Philippa is in is she?’
Yes but she has been stood up on two dates now and she is in a very bad mood.
‘I’m afraid we simply can’t have this………’
Do not answer the door Pips! It is Madge out here.
‘Who’s that?............. Oh hi Margaret. How are you?’
I told you not to answer the door Pips.
‘Hello Philippa. Is everything all right?’
‘Yes, why?’
‘With George I mean? This is the second time I have found him sitting out in the hall’.
‘Oh! Yes he’s fine. I’m trying out a new disciplinary tactic, that’s all’.
Which isn’t going to work Pips.
‘Well no, we really mustn’t start using the hall as a dog kennel Philippa. It is not fair on the other flat owners. We simply cannot have the stairwell smelling of dog’.
‘He doesn’t smell Margaret’.
I don’t smell Madge thank you very much.
‘Well you may be used to it but I beg to differ Philippa. It was a hot day when he was last in the hall and there was a distinct odour after his residence’.
‘But he was only out here twenty minutes!’
I DO NOT SMELL MADGE I DO NOT SMELL!
‘In which case I rest my point. I also have to say that there is a Health and Safety issue with leaving him unattended by the stairs. Someone could trip over him on the way down’.
‘Only if they don’t see him which is unlikely as there is a light in the hall’.
‘But what if the bulb blows Philippa? As you know, the stairwell is very dark without the light, which has a habit of blowing, and it is dangerous at the best of times without a lone dog on the landing to act as a death trap’.
‘I can’t believe this! The chances of George being out in the hall at the same time as the bulb blows with someone coming up or down the stairs/’
‘I don’t wish to argue about this Philippa’.
‘I don’t wish to argue about it either! I’m just experimenting with putting him out here for a short while if he has been disobedient to see if I can encourage him to behave. That is all! He’s not living out here in the hall!’
‘Well if you haven’t managed to discipline him yet I can’t see that this is going to work’.
‘I can at least try! You’d better come in George’.
I can’t Pips. I am tied to the door.
‘No wait. Let’s go for a walk instead. I need some fresh air’.
Oh goody goody.
‘I’m not discussing this with you any more Margaret. It should be possible to leave a dog outside a door for twenty minutes without Health and Safety coming into it. Now where are my keys?’
‘I have to say I am disappointed at your attitude Philippa and the scant disregard towards the owners of the other flats in this house’.
‘Here they are’.
We’re going for a wa-alk, we’re going for a wa-alk…
‘If I receive a complaint from anyone in the other flats about his presence in the hallway it is quite within my rights to call an Extraordinary General Meeting of the other leaseholders to discuss the issue’.
‘Come on George let’s go. Excuse me Margaret, can we pass? You might want to stand back. He bites’.
I am minding my own business Madge so mind yours if you don’t mind.
‘This really is not on. I presume Philippa is in is she?’
Yes but she has been stood up on two dates now and she is in a very bad mood.
‘I’m afraid we simply can’t have this………’
Do not answer the door Pips! It is Madge out here.
‘Who’s that?............. Oh hi Margaret. How are you?’
I told you not to answer the door Pips.
‘Hello Philippa. Is everything all right?’
‘Yes, why?’
‘With George I mean? This is the second time I have found him sitting out in the hall’.
‘Oh! Yes he’s fine. I’m trying out a new disciplinary tactic, that’s all’.
Which isn’t going to work Pips.
‘Well no, we really mustn’t start using the hall as a dog kennel Philippa. It is not fair on the other flat owners. We simply cannot have the stairwell smelling of dog’.
‘He doesn’t smell Margaret’.
I don’t smell Madge thank you very much.
‘Well you may be used to it but I beg to differ Philippa. It was a hot day when he was last in the hall and there was a distinct odour after his residence’.
‘But he was only out here twenty minutes!’
I DO NOT SMELL MADGE I DO NOT SMELL!
‘In which case I rest my point. I also have to say that there is a Health and Safety issue with leaving him unattended by the stairs. Someone could trip over him on the way down’.
‘Only if they don’t see him which is unlikely as there is a light in the hall’.
‘But what if the bulb blows Philippa? As you know, the stairwell is very dark without the light, which has a habit of blowing, and it is dangerous at the best of times without a lone dog on the landing to act as a death trap’.
‘I can’t believe this! The chances of George being out in the hall at the same time as the bulb blows with someone coming up or down the stairs/’
‘I don’t wish to argue about this Philippa’.
‘I don’t wish to argue about it either! I’m just experimenting with putting him out here for a short while if he has been disobedient to see if I can encourage him to behave. That is all! He’s not living out here in the hall!’
‘Well if you haven’t managed to discipline him yet I can’t see that this is going to work’.
‘I can at least try! You’d better come in George’.
I can’t Pips. I am tied to the door.
‘No wait. Let’s go for a walk instead. I need some fresh air’.
Oh goody goody.
‘I’m not discussing this with you any more Margaret. It should be possible to leave a dog outside a door for twenty minutes without Health and Safety coming into it. Now where are my keys?’
‘I have to say I am disappointed at your attitude Philippa and the scant disregard towards the owners of the other flats in this house’.
‘Here they are’.
We’re going for a wa-alk, we’re going for a wa-alk…
‘If I receive a complaint from anyone in the other flats about his presence in the hallway it is quite within my rights to call an Extraordinary General Meeting of the other leaseholders to discuss the issue’.
‘Come on George let’s go. Excuse me Margaret, can we pass? You might want to stand back. He bites’.
Seventy Nine
‘No George. I am not negotiating with you’.
But it’s not even raining. It is the sunniest day of the year and I am very hot and I do not want to get on a bus.
‘I can’t carry these window boxes and the bag of earth all the way home so we have no choice’.
Then I will walk home on my own. I know the way very well.
‘George quickly, the doors are about to close!’
I will make my own way home Pips.
‘Jump onto the bus George!’
‘It’s all right. I’ll get him. You’ve got your hands full there’.
‘Thank you so much’.
NO NO NO NO NO. GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME!
‘Sssh George’.
LET ME GO! LET ME…. OK, take this then….
‘George NO! Do not bite!’
He asked for it.
‘It’s all right. I’ve got a couple of terriers of my own back home. I’ll put you down. I’m putting you down now…’
‘I’m really sorry. He’s never bitten anyone before. I’m so sorry. George that is very naughty’.
I am hot in here. I can’t breathe. I’m suffocating. I want to get off the bus. LET ME OFF THIS BUS…..!
Are you enjoying planting the window boxes Pips?
‘I cannot believe you bit that kind man George’.
You’re making a mess all over the table if you don’t mind my saying.
‘He was helping me’.
He wasn’t helping me Pips and it is not up to a stranger to get involved where he is not wanted.
‘Luckily for you he obviously likes dogs but/ George no, get down! I’ve told you before, not on the table. I’m warning you. I’m not in the mood for any more nonsense today so don’t push it’.
Well I’m not in the mood for being picked up and put where I do not want to be. I have made it absolutely clear to you from Day One that I do not wish to travel on public transport but you never listen and so you do not learn.
‘Sometimes I think Simon may have a point about you’.
Simon doesn’t have a point about anything Pips because he’s a tosser.
‘It is as though a switch flicks inside you and you have to do something naughty. I cannot have you biting people’.
It was only a little bite on his hand.
‘People sue each other over their dogs’ behaviour these days George!’
That is nothing to do with me Pips. Do not blame me for what people do.
‘I actually believe you know how to behave. It may be naivety on my part George but I know you understand the meaning of ‘no’’.
I do, yes.
‘And yet you go ahead and do whatever it is you know perfectly well you are not supposed to do. Why is that?’
Because you don’t listen to my ‘no’s so why should I listen to yours?
‘George get off the table. This is what I mean! I’ve told you about twenty times not to get up on the table!’
I just wish to smell the pretty flowers in the window box/
GEORGE NO! Don’t pee on the lavenders!’
Just pretending Pips. You know me.
‘You know what George? You are irritating me so much today I’m putting you outside in the hall. You can annoy Margaret or Jean-Michel or whoever as they go up and down the stairs’
I don’t mind because you’re no fun to be with anyway Pips, actually.
‘And don’t think you’re going anywhere because I am going to tie you to the door handle’.
Just because you were stood up on a date is no reason to be a grumps forever and take it out on me/
‘Out you go!’
and you know what else? You can SHOVE YOUR LAVENDER/
‘There we go. Bye George’.
But it’s not even raining. It is the sunniest day of the year and I am very hot and I do not want to get on a bus.
‘I can’t carry these window boxes and the bag of earth all the way home so we have no choice’.
Then I will walk home on my own. I know the way very well.
‘George quickly, the doors are about to close!’
I will make my own way home Pips.
‘Jump onto the bus George!’
‘It’s all right. I’ll get him. You’ve got your hands full there’.
‘Thank you so much’.
NO NO NO NO NO. GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME!
‘Sssh George’.
LET ME GO! LET ME…. OK, take this then….
‘George NO! Do not bite!’
He asked for it.
‘It’s all right. I’ve got a couple of terriers of my own back home. I’ll put you down. I’m putting you down now…’
‘I’m really sorry. He’s never bitten anyone before. I’m so sorry. George that is very naughty’.
I am hot in here. I can’t breathe. I’m suffocating. I want to get off the bus. LET ME OFF THIS BUS…..!
Are you enjoying planting the window boxes Pips?
‘I cannot believe you bit that kind man George’.
You’re making a mess all over the table if you don’t mind my saying.
‘He was helping me’.
He wasn’t helping me Pips and it is not up to a stranger to get involved where he is not wanted.
‘Luckily for you he obviously likes dogs but/ George no, get down! I’ve told you before, not on the table. I’m warning you. I’m not in the mood for any more nonsense today so don’t push it’.
Well I’m not in the mood for being picked up and put where I do not want to be. I have made it absolutely clear to you from Day One that I do not wish to travel on public transport but you never listen and so you do not learn.
‘Sometimes I think Simon may have a point about you’.
Simon doesn’t have a point about anything Pips because he’s a tosser.
‘It is as though a switch flicks inside you and you have to do something naughty. I cannot have you biting people’.
It was only a little bite on his hand.
‘People sue each other over their dogs’ behaviour these days George!’
That is nothing to do with me Pips. Do not blame me for what people do.
‘I actually believe you know how to behave. It may be naivety on my part George but I know you understand the meaning of ‘no’’.
I do, yes.
‘And yet you go ahead and do whatever it is you know perfectly well you are not supposed to do. Why is that?’
Because you don’t listen to my ‘no’s so why should I listen to yours?
‘George get off the table. This is what I mean! I’ve told you about twenty times not to get up on the table!’
I just wish to smell the pretty flowers in the window box/
GEORGE NO! Don’t pee on the lavenders!’
Just pretending Pips. You know me.
‘You know what George? You are irritating me so much today I’m putting you outside in the hall. You can annoy Margaret or Jean-Michel or whoever as they go up and down the stairs’
I don’t mind because you’re no fun to be with anyway Pips, actually.
‘And don’t think you’re going anywhere because I am going to tie you to the door handle’.
Just because you were stood up on a date is no reason to be a grumps forever and take it out on me/
‘Out you go!’
and you know what else? You can SHOVE YOUR LAVENDER/
‘There we go. Bye George’.
Seventy Eight
‘How do I look George? Do I look OK?’
You look terrific Pips.
‘I’m so nervous. It’s been so long since I’ve been on a date. Should I wear this necklace or…… this one?’
Wear that one.
‘I think I’ll wear this one’.
The other one looks better Pips actually but don’t mind me.
‘You don’t think I look desperate do you?’
You look fabulous Pips. You really do.
‘It doesn’t look like I’m trying too hard does it?’.
No you look very glamorous.
‘Yes it does. I’m trying too hard. I should look as though I’ve made less effort. Hang on, let me just put on some lipstick……’
I’ve never seen you look so pretty Pips as a matter of fact.
‘Now you’ve got to promise me you’ll be on your best behaviour this evening George. Promise me?’
No not really because he may well be a tosser in which case I have no intention of behaving well actually so it would be a lie.
‘You’ve got to be charming so that he can’t help liking you. It’s possible to like things you’re allergic to. You can even love things you’re allergic to!’
What if I don’t like him Pips? I may not like him at all. In fact I have a feeling that I may be allergic to him.
‘Oh quick, let me just go into the bathroom and put some perfume on……’
I like it when you wear perfume Pips. I really do. You smell terrific. Oh Pips! PIPS! Your mobile beeped. I think you’ve got a message. PIPS!
‘Ssssh George. Don’t start. All right I’m ready. Let’s go’.
‘How much longer do we give him George?’
I don’t think he’s coming.
‘It’s been twenty minutes now’.
I think we should go Pips.
‘I wish those guys over there would stop staring at me. They can all tell I’ve been stood up. You would have thought he would have called if he couldn’t make it, my mobile has been on all evening….where is it?....... He could have at least left a message or something………… oh hang on. I’ve got a text message. When did I get that?.....’
Just before we left the flat actually Pips. I did tell you.
‘If this is from him………………….. It is………… He says he can’t make it tonight. Something’s come up’.
You can borrow my bone for a while if you want Pips. It always cheers me up no end when I am down. Or we could play ball if you like, you know how much fun that is ……………….. We could see if Freddie and Terry are in the garden in front of the church for a chat or ………..…..we could go to the DVD shop and rent a DVD. You know how much you like that. Perhaps we could rent a film with the very wonderful Julia Roberts in it?..... Or……. we could go to Sainsbury’s and buy some of your favourite After Eight mint chocolates………. There are lots of fun things we can do. It’s not the end of the world Pips……..
‘George I don’t want your bone I’ve told you’.
The phone Pips! THE PHONE!
‘Do you think this will be him George?... Hello?..... Oh hi Abbie……… ……….No. He didn’t show up…………….. Yes he texted me but I didn’t realise so I was standing there waiting, all dolled up, the only single girl in the pub, being stared at by all these guys who were propping up the bar. Thank God for George’.
You’re welcome Pips.
‘If I hadn’t had him with me to chat to and generally look occupied with they probably would have come over………….. I don’t know, something came up apparently. He should have called me instead of texting, I would have heard the phone ringing……………yes I have but I got his voicemail. I hope something awful hasn’t happened but he probably just changed his mind…………….. no, not yet. ………….. Yes, he’s here. He keeps putting his bone into my lap………. George, Abbie wants a word with you….’
Abbie I heard Pips’s phone beep just before we left. I told her a text message had come through but she didn’t listen. I told her he was a tosser anyway but she also didn’t listen………. We’re in bed. We’ve just finished watching ‘When Harry met Sally’ on DVD to cheer Pips up and/
‘Abbie? I don’t need a man. I’ve got George now and I love him and we get by just fine and this is the problem with dating - the moment I try I’m disappointed all over again…….’.
You look terrific Pips.
‘I’m so nervous. It’s been so long since I’ve been on a date. Should I wear this necklace or…… this one?’
Wear that one.
‘I think I’ll wear this one’.
The other one looks better Pips actually but don’t mind me.
‘You don’t think I look desperate do you?’
You look fabulous Pips. You really do.
‘It doesn’t look like I’m trying too hard does it?’.
No you look very glamorous.
‘Yes it does. I’m trying too hard. I should look as though I’ve made less effort. Hang on, let me just put on some lipstick……’
I’ve never seen you look so pretty Pips as a matter of fact.
‘Now you’ve got to promise me you’ll be on your best behaviour this evening George. Promise me?’
No not really because he may well be a tosser in which case I have no intention of behaving well actually so it would be a lie.
‘You’ve got to be charming so that he can’t help liking you. It’s possible to like things you’re allergic to. You can even love things you’re allergic to!’
What if I don’t like him Pips? I may not like him at all. In fact I have a feeling that I may be allergic to him.
‘Oh quick, let me just go into the bathroom and put some perfume on……’
I like it when you wear perfume Pips. I really do. You smell terrific. Oh Pips! PIPS! Your mobile beeped. I think you’ve got a message. PIPS!
‘Ssssh George. Don’t start. All right I’m ready. Let’s go’.
‘How much longer do we give him George?’
I don’t think he’s coming.
‘It’s been twenty minutes now’.
I think we should go Pips.
‘I wish those guys over there would stop staring at me. They can all tell I’ve been stood up. You would have thought he would have called if he couldn’t make it, my mobile has been on all evening….where is it?....... He could have at least left a message or something………… oh hang on. I’ve got a text message. When did I get that?.....’
Just before we left the flat actually Pips. I did tell you.
‘If this is from him………………….. It is………… He says he can’t make it tonight. Something’s come up’.
You can borrow my bone for a while if you want Pips. It always cheers me up no end when I am down. Or we could play ball if you like, you know how much fun that is ……………….. We could see if Freddie and Terry are in the garden in front of the church for a chat or ………..…..we could go to the DVD shop and rent a DVD. You know how much you like that. Perhaps we could rent a film with the very wonderful Julia Roberts in it?..... Or……. we could go to Sainsbury’s and buy some of your favourite After Eight mint chocolates………. There are lots of fun things we can do. It’s not the end of the world Pips……..
‘George I don’t want your bone I’ve told you’.
The phone Pips! THE PHONE!
‘Do you think this will be him George?... Hello?..... Oh hi Abbie……… ……….No. He didn’t show up…………….. Yes he texted me but I didn’t realise so I was standing there waiting, all dolled up, the only single girl in the pub, being stared at by all these guys who were propping up the bar. Thank God for George’.
You’re welcome Pips.
‘If I hadn’t had him with me to chat to and generally look occupied with they probably would have come over………….. I don’t know, something came up apparently. He should have called me instead of texting, I would have heard the phone ringing……………yes I have but I got his voicemail. I hope something awful hasn’t happened but he probably just changed his mind…………….. no, not yet. ………….. Yes, he’s here. He keeps putting his bone into my lap………. George, Abbie wants a word with you….’
Abbie I heard Pips’s phone beep just before we left. I told her a text message had come through but she didn’t listen. I told her he was a tosser anyway but she also didn’t listen………. We’re in bed. We’ve just finished watching ‘When Harry met Sally’ on DVD to cheer Pips up and/
‘Abbie? I don’t need a man. I’ve got George now and I love him and we get by just fine and this is the problem with dating - the moment I try I’m disappointed all over again…….’.
Seventy Seven
‘A computer for an hour please’.
‘Sure. You want any drinks?’
‘No I’m fine’.
‘That’s £1. You sit where you want’.
‘Yes I know. Thanks’.
‘You must leave the dog outside please’.
‘Oh no. Really? I’ve never had to leave him outside before. He’ll just sit quietly’.
‘You come here before?’
‘I’ve been here quite a few times, yes. The guy who is usually here allows him to come inside’.
‘OK then. As long as he not disturb the other customers’.
‘OK George. This is exciting. Let’s see if we can find someone I might like to go out on a date with’.
Why are you whispering Pips?
‘Let’s see….. maybe someone has responded to my profile ………. OK so what was my password?’
George.
‘I’ve forgotten what my bloody password is George. George! It was George.……. OK so there we go……………… Right. Oh look! I’ve got three messages. Well that’s something……….. How do I look at them? Oh I see. Here we go….. No George get down. I can’t see the screen’.
He looks a tosser Pips.
‘Look I’ll pull up a chair for you so you can sit next to me. There we go. It’s coming to pieces a bit but…. sit down there. That’s it. I can’t see anything if you’re up on the table blocking the screen. OK, so… …Oh. He calls himself ‘Loverboy’’.
Told you he’s a tosser Pips.
‘OK well… let’s try not to be judgmental’.
Why not? HE’S A TOSSER!
‘Sssh George! Or we’ll be thrown out’.
Why are you whispering Pips?
‘Let’s read what he says. He may have something interesting to say about himself……’
He looks like Steve when we used to go to the pub. ‘Ere we go ‘ere we go ‘ere we go-o…..
‘He says he likes drinking and pubs – I think we’ve got that message from the beer glass in his hand don’t you? – and parties and clubbing…..oh no he’s not right at all’.
What did I tell you Pips? What did I tell you?
‘Why on earth did he contact me? OK well let’s forget about him…. What about the next guy?......................’
He looks a tosser Pips.
‘………..this one…….. lives in Stoke on Trent. Great. Did he not see on my profile that I live in London? OK forget him. ...... I’m not carting you around on trains every weekend to Stoke on Trent wherever it is….. Now what about this one?............ Oh now he looks nice George! I like the look of him. Let’s see what he has to say about himself…………… he’s done lots of travelling. It says he’s travelled around India and South America ‘the highlight of which was whale-watching off Patagonia…..’ Mm. He sounds interesting don’t you think? He says he plays guitar ‘not very well’…… and he likes cooking………. Oh no, he’s allergic to dogs!’
That’s because he’s a tosser.
‘But I like the sound of him. George can you not bite the chair. Sit still and concentrate. You’re supposed to be helping me’.
He’s a tosser and he’s got issues Pips.
‘Isn’t that ironic? The one I think looks and sounds the most interesting is allergic to you’.
That’s because he’s got issues he’s got issues he’s got issues he’s got iss/
‘George stop biting the chair! The guy at the door is watching you so behave. I could write to him and say that I am very committed to you and…… oh bloody hell what shall I say?’
Don’t say anything to him Pips. He’s got problems.
‘OK I’m just going to write ‘Dear Ben – at least he doesn’t call himself Loverboy…. Thank you for writing to me. I had a look at your profile and I think you sound interesting……… oh what do people write in these things? George leave the chair alone! OK I’m getting stressed now. I don’t know what to say. Abbie mentioned something about being able to put someone on my favourites….how do I…? OK I see it. Click here. There we go. I’ll come back to him later. Let’s look through some profiles and see if there’s someone who isn’t allergic to you ……….’
Stop STOP! Look at that one Pips!
‘George get down! Will you stay on the chair! Stay on the chair and stop wrecking it. Oh hang on, look at this guy. He’s got a dog with him in his picture!’
Yes and she looks a very lovely girl if I might say so.
‘This is promising’.
Write to him and ask if he will meet up with us this week and bring her along. I would like that very much.
‘Let’s see what he says….…… he likes football…….ok, well that’s not the end of the world…’
Except that you hate it Pips. You can’t stand it.
‘It says he’s a lawyer……….and that he likes keeping fit ‘I go to the gym four or five times a week……….. my ideal woman would be a cross between Cameron Diaz and Angelina Jolie’. OH FOR GOD’S SAKE!’
What Pips?
‘How can someone write that? I cannot believe someone can write that in their profile!’
I don’t see what’s wrong with it. Cameron and Angelina are very pretty girls.
‘What an idiotic thing to write. That is it George. I’ve had enough for one evening. That really pisses me off. We’re going home’.
But Pi/
‘What a tosser’.
‘Sure. You want any drinks?’
‘No I’m fine’.
‘That’s £1. You sit where you want’.
‘Yes I know. Thanks’.
‘You must leave the dog outside please’.
‘Oh no. Really? I’ve never had to leave him outside before. He’ll just sit quietly’.
‘You come here before?’
‘I’ve been here quite a few times, yes. The guy who is usually here allows him to come inside’.
‘OK then. As long as he not disturb the other customers’.
‘OK George. This is exciting. Let’s see if we can find someone I might like to go out on a date with’.
Why are you whispering Pips?
‘Let’s see….. maybe someone has responded to my profile ………. OK so what was my password?’
George.
‘I’ve forgotten what my bloody password is George. George! It was George.……. OK so there we go……………… Right. Oh look! I’ve got three messages. Well that’s something……….. How do I look at them? Oh I see. Here we go….. No George get down. I can’t see the screen’.
He looks a tosser Pips.
‘Look I’ll pull up a chair for you so you can sit next to me. There we go. It’s coming to pieces a bit but…. sit down there. That’s it. I can’t see anything if you’re up on the table blocking the screen. OK, so… …Oh. He calls himself ‘Loverboy’’.
Told you he’s a tosser Pips.
‘OK well… let’s try not to be judgmental’.
Why not? HE’S A TOSSER!
‘Sssh George! Or we’ll be thrown out’.
Why are you whispering Pips?
‘Let’s read what he says. He may have something interesting to say about himself……’
He looks like Steve when we used to go to the pub. ‘Ere we go ‘ere we go ‘ere we go-o…..
‘He says he likes drinking and pubs – I think we’ve got that message from the beer glass in his hand don’t you? – and parties and clubbing…..oh no he’s not right at all’.
What did I tell you Pips? What did I tell you?
‘Why on earth did he contact me? OK well let’s forget about him…. What about the next guy?......................’
He looks a tosser Pips.
‘………..this one…….. lives in Stoke on Trent. Great. Did he not see on my profile that I live in London? OK forget him. ...... I’m not carting you around on trains every weekend to Stoke on Trent wherever it is….. Now what about this one?............ Oh now he looks nice George! I like the look of him. Let’s see what he has to say about himself…………… he’s done lots of travelling. It says he’s travelled around India and South America ‘the highlight of which was whale-watching off Patagonia…..’ Mm. He sounds interesting don’t you think? He says he plays guitar ‘not very well’…… and he likes cooking………. Oh no, he’s allergic to dogs!’
That’s because he’s a tosser.
‘But I like the sound of him. George can you not bite the chair. Sit still and concentrate. You’re supposed to be helping me’.
He’s a tosser and he’s got issues Pips.
‘Isn’t that ironic? The one I think looks and sounds the most interesting is allergic to you’.
That’s because he’s got issues he’s got issues he’s got issues he’s got iss/
‘George stop biting the chair! The guy at the door is watching you so behave. I could write to him and say that I am very committed to you and…… oh bloody hell what shall I say?’
Don’t say anything to him Pips. He’s got problems.
‘OK I’m just going to write ‘Dear Ben – at least he doesn’t call himself Loverboy…. Thank you for writing to me. I had a look at your profile and I think you sound interesting……… oh what do people write in these things? George leave the chair alone! OK I’m getting stressed now. I don’t know what to say. Abbie mentioned something about being able to put someone on my favourites….how do I…? OK I see it. Click here. There we go. I’ll come back to him later. Let’s look through some profiles and see if there’s someone who isn’t allergic to you ……….’
Stop STOP! Look at that one Pips!
‘George get down! Will you stay on the chair! Stay on the chair and stop wrecking it. Oh hang on, look at this guy. He’s got a dog with him in his picture!’
Yes and she looks a very lovely girl if I might say so.
‘This is promising’.
Write to him and ask if he will meet up with us this week and bring her along. I would like that very much.
‘Let’s see what he says….…… he likes football…….ok, well that’s not the end of the world…’
Except that you hate it Pips. You can’t stand it.
‘It says he’s a lawyer……….and that he likes keeping fit ‘I go to the gym four or five times a week……….. my ideal woman would be a cross between Cameron Diaz and Angelina Jolie’. OH FOR GOD’S SAKE!’
What Pips?
‘How can someone write that? I cannot believe someone can write that in their profile!’
I don’t see what’s wrong with it. Cameron and Angelina are very pretty girls.
‘What an idiotic thing to write. That is it George. I’ve had enough for one evening. That really pisses me off. We’re going home’.
But Pi/
‘What a tosser’.
Seventy Six
…… what a wet summer it’s been…… what a wet, wet summer. A wet wet wet wet wet wet wet wet …… the entire country flooded and Gordon ….. Gordon Brown said something…… I can smell mocha frappacino… …… I like your Camper shoes……… first bit of sun in ages…… and there goes a butterfly….
‘George?’
Yes Pips?
‘Are you OK down there?’
I am just daydreaming in the sun if you don’t mind.
‘Have you ever heard of a Passive House? I haven’t’.
I think I possibly have Pips if I think about it.
‘It says here they consume about 85 – 90% less energy than conventional houses and reduce carbon emissions by about the same amount because they don’t have traditional heating systems. So we should all be living in Passive Houses George, basically. Anyway this article is about a family who built one in Finland. It says “in order to achieve optimum energy efficiency, not only were external factors such as the local climate taken into consideration when calculating the temperature of the house – in this case, due to it’s northern latitude it was cool with heavy snowfall in winter – but also internal factors such as body heat (the average body giving off 100kw of heat, similar to that of a light bulb)….” blah blah blah…..’ it was super-insulated with large triple-glazed windows that faced south to optimise solar gain. Once inside, the heat was kept there by the installation of a heat exchanger which brought fresh air into the house via an underground duct, and which transferred heat from the old air leaving the house to the fresh air entering it” and then there’s a lot of jargon and stuff that I don’t understand because these technical people don’t speak English but the point is that the family, having moved into the house, were a bit cold so what did they do? What do you think they did George?’
Did they add another solar panel?
‘Do you think they added more solar panels?’
I’ve just asked you that Pips.
‘Well they didn’t’.
Did they move the house to Spain?
‘What do you think they did?’
Did they put a glass roof on it? No I know, I know! They put in a coal fire!’
‘Remember it has to be an environmentally-friendly solution George’.
I don’t know Pips. What did they do?
‘You’ll never guess. They got a dog!’
No!
‘It says here ‘the dog gave that little extra boost to make the house comfortable’.
You see Pips? What a valuable contribution we dogs make in the great international fight against global warming?
‘It must have been a big dog. You wouldn’t be any use would you?’
Yes she did Freddie. She said that. That is what she said.
‘She probably didn’t mean it George’.
She did Freddie. That is what is so disappointing.
‘Well she may have a point. Perhaps bigger dogs do give off more heat than us smaller dogs’.
But do they Freddie?
‘I don’t know’.
How do you know that the heat isn’t more condensed and therefore hotter from smaller dogs like you and me actually?
‘Well I don’t’.
I think we may well provide hotter heat. I really do.
‘George?’
What now Pips?’
‘Come on, we’re going’.
See you later Freddie. We’re off to the internet café so Pips can join one of those dating websites to find herself a tosser.
‘George?’
Yes Pips?
‘Are you OK down there?’
I am just daydreaming in the sun if you don’t mind.
‘Have you ever heard of a Passive House? I haven’t’.
I think I possibly have Pips if I think about it.
‘It says here they consume about 85 – 90% less energy than conventional houses and reduce carbon emissions by about the same amount because they don’t have traditional heating systems. So we should all be living in Passive Houses George, basically. Anyway this article is about a family who built one in Finland. It says “in order to achieve optimum energy efficiency, not only were external factors such as the local climate taken into consideration when calculating the temperature of the house – in this case, due to it’s northern latitude it was cool with heavy snowfall in winter – but also internal factors such as body heat (the average body giving off 100kw of heat, similar to that of a light bulb)….” blah blah blah…..’ it was super-insulated with large triple-glazed windows that faced south to optimise solar gain. Once inside, the heat was kept there by the installation of a heat exchanger which brought fresh air into the house via an underground duct, and which transferred heat from the old air leaving the house to the fresh air entering it” and then there’s a lot of jargon and stuff that I don’t understand because these technical people don’t speak English but the point is that the family, having moved into the house, were a bit cold so what did they do? What do you think they did George?’
Did they add another solar panel?
‘Do you think they added more solar panels?’
I’ve just asked you that Pips.
‘Well they didn’t’.
Did they move the house to Spain?
‘What do you think they did?’
Did they put a glass roof on it? No I know, I know! They put in a coal fire!’
‘Remember it has to be an environmentally-friendly solution George’.
I don’t know Pips. What did they do?
‘You’ll never guess. They got a dog!’
No!
‘It says here ‘the dog gave that little extra boost to make the house comfortable’.
You see Pips? What a valuable contribution we dogs make in the great international fight against global warming?
‘It must have been a big dog. You wouldn’t be any use would you?’
Yes she did Freddie. She said that. That is what she said.
‘She probably didn’t mean it George’.
She did Freddie. That is what is so disappointing.
‘Well she may have a point. Perhaps bigger dogs do give off more heat than us smaller dogs’.
But do they Freddie?
‘I don’t know’.
How do you know that the heat isn’t more condensed and therefore hotter from smaller dogs like you and me actually?
‘Well I don’t’.
I think we may well provide hotter heat. I really do.
‘George?’
What now Pips?’
‘Come on, we’re going’.
See you later Freddie. We’re off to the internet café so Pips can join one of those dating websites to find herself a tosser.
Seventy Five
‘Gosh you are muddy. What a rainstorm that was! Let’s give you a good rinse down. No, stay still George otherwise the water will splash everywhere’.
Bubbles at bathtime and singing in the shower
Lovely girls passing in diamanté collars
Peeing on all the rose bushes in spring
These are a few of my favourite things
‘Lift your paw George’.
My bowl and my bone and my ball and my blanket
Quattro stagionis at il ristorante
Running in circles when La Renee sings
These are a few of my favourite things
‘And your other paw…’
Letting Pips talk to the arse when she’s ranting
Meeting and greeting and stationery ordering
Post-its and biros and Tippex and string
These are a few of my favourite things
'George stay still. What are you doing?’
I am cheering myself up if you don’t mind. When the bus comes
When the tosser speaks
When I’m feeling sad
I simply remember my favourite things
And then I don’t feeeeeeeeel so ba/OW! OW PIPS! It’s hot it’s too hot! IT’S TOO HOT PIPS WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
‘Oh no, what’s….? Oh my God. I’m turning it off. It’s off George it’s off now! Why did it suddenly become hot? Are you OK?’
NO I AM NOT OK. GET ME OUT OF HERE. HELP! GET ME OUT!
‘I’m sorry about that George. It was an accident’.
ACCIDENT? KISS MY ARSE! EVERY TIME YOU GIVE ME A SHOWER THERE’S SOME SORT OF ‘ACCIDENT’. EITHER YOU GET THE SOAP IN MY EYES OR THE WATER IS TOO HOT OR IT’S TOO COLD OR THERE’S TOO MUCH/
‘Oh ssssh now George. It wasn’t boiling. Let’s get you out. I think you’re clean enough now anyway. Let me just grab a towel…’
I am beginning not to feel safe around you anymore Pips. ESPECIALLY NOT IN THE BATHROOM!
Bubbles at bathtime and singing in the shower
Lovely girls passing in diamanté collars
Peeing on all the rose bushes in spring
These are a few of my favourite things
‘Lift your paw George’.
My bowl and my bone and my ball and my blanket
Quattro stagionis at il ristorante
Running in circles when La Renee sings
These are a few of my favourite things
‘And your other paw…’
Letting Pips talk to the arse when she’s ranting
Meeting and greeting and stationery ordering
Post-its and biros and Tippex and string
These are a few of my favourite things
'George stay still. What are you doing?’
I am cheering myself up if you don’t mind. When the bus comes
When the tosser speaks
When I’m feeling sad
I simply remember my favourite things
And then I don’t feeeeeeeeel so ba/OW! OW PIPS! It’s hot it’s too hot! IT’S TOO HOT PIPS WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
‘Oh no, what’s….? Oh my God. I’m turning it off. It’s off George it’s off now! Why did it suddenly become hot? Are you OK?’
NO I AM NOT OK. GET ME OUT OF HERE. HELP! GET ME OUT!
‘I’m sorry about that George. It was an accident’.
ACCIDENT? KISS MY ARSE! EVERY TIME YOU GIVE ME A SHOWER THERE’S SOME SORT OF ‘ACCIDENT’. EITHER YOU GET THE SOAP IN MY EYES OR THE WATER IS TOO HOT OR IT’S TOO COLD OR THERE’S TOO MUCH/
‘Oh ssssh now George. It wasn’t boiling. Let’s get you out. I think you’re clean enough now anyway. Let me just grab a towel…’
I am beginning not to feel safe around you anymore Pips. ESPECIALLY NOT IN THE BATHROOM!
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