Hundred and Fifteen

You can have it Pips.
'Is that for me George?'
Yes you can have it.
'Well thank you'.
In the spirit of co-operation and compromise and coalition, I have decided to give and take and work together with Simon for the stability of the business in these difficult economic times.
'I don't particularly want a chewed up role of sellotape but OK.... I'm sure it will come in useful'.


'.................... Good morning everyone. George and I are here to speak to you about our new partnership. George and I are committed to working together to ensure a stable and secure future for this business. And now I want to hand over to George........'
Thank you Simon. Yesterday we were rivals but today we are colleagues and this shows the depth of our co-operation/
'I don't believe it'.
'Traitor!'
and the commitment we share to this company.
'Cut the crap you lying little hyprocrit!'
Yes, we have our differences. I believe in the importance of stationery and Simon doesn't/
'Too right he doesn't'.
but that was yesterday and things have changed and Simon and I are now agreed/
'Can you believe this rubbish?'
in our differences and we have agreed to disagree
'Liar! You're a liar!'
Or... wait a minute... are we pretending to agree about stationery now?
'You flaky, spineless little twat!'
Or do we actually agree?
'That's all we need - a Will-o-the-fucking-Wisp who doesn't know what he thinks'.
Or are we agreeing to agree? What are we doing? Pips? PIPS! I'm confused. I don't know who I am. Who am I? WHO AM I?.................................


'Hey sickbag! There's a smell in this corner of the office. Is it you?'
'Oh no it's not George. He doesn't smell'.
'You can defend him as much as you like Philippa but wherever that dog is there's a smell. Have you seen my sellotape?'

Hundred and Fourteen

Firstly Pips I still can't believe you didn't tell me there was an Animals Count Party which I think is disgraceful considering I would have voted for them if I had been allowed to vote but I can't because animals don't count. Secondly, if we did count we wouldn't be in this pickle because the result would have been quite different and included some Animals Count MP's for a start which a) would help me to feel represented in this country because if you think you're cross at the small number of seats that the lovely Miriam's Liberal Democrats have won then how do you think I feel without a single Animals Count MP in the House of Commons? And you call this a democracy. And b) the Liberal Democrats could now be negotiating with Animals Count to form a coalition to support electoral reform which we would be in favour of unlike the bunch of tossers they're having to negotiate with now.
'George can you move away from the screen so I can see what's happening with this election stuff?'
So, fourthly, do you want to know what I think about David Cameron trying to make a deal with Miriam's Liberal Democrats?
'George get your backside out of the picture'.
Watch this. Hey David! David!
'George move your fat bottom out of it!'
KISS MY ARSE!
'George no! What did I just say?'
And Gordon is whistling in the wind if he thinks that any of us will be kissing his arse after thirteen years of doing sweet F. A. to make any of us count. Isn't that right Pips?
'Oh for God's sake. I can't watch telly when you're in this sort of mood. Let's go for a walk. These negotiations don't seem to getting anywhere anyway'.
Well what did you expect?
'I really don't want to have to deal with Simon feeling sorry for himself for yet another day/'
Don't listen to him Pips.
'and all his moaning about how this country's going to the dogs because Cameron didn't win a majority'.
What? He said the country was going to the dogs?
'He's such a bad loser'.
He said this country is GOING TO THE DOGS?! That is an outrage Pips IT IS AN OUTRAGE! Firstly, dogs have nothing to do with it so, secondly, I object to that expression, YES I DO, which I take as a personal slur on my good character. HOW DARE HE/
'George ssshh! You're being such a pain this afternoon. I'm not in the mood. Now where's your lead?'

Hundred and Thirteen

'And then to cap it off George was put on the carousel again when we arrived back at Heathrow so of course he was sick because he's very sensitive to motion. Honestly, why don't they think before they put a dog on the carousel to go round and round until it's owner arrives to take him off it? If I have to clear up his sick again I'm going to be sick myself. I think if I even look at his travelling box again Terry I'm going to be sick. But the hotel was great - thanks for the recommendation - and Paris was looking beautiful when George wasn't jumping on every bitch in sight'.


And then there was Trudy who was staying in the hotel with her owner Bridget who was a colour-therapist. She was in Paris for a Colour Conference.
'What's a Colour Conference?'
I don't know Freddie but Trudy was wearing an orange coat because Bridget says it's her colour and she looked terrific in it, she really did. Then there was Colette who I met in the Jardins du Luxembourg. She only had three legs but I was very taken with her, I really was.
'How did she lose her leg?'
She was hit by a bus in the rue de Rivoli. I told her that bus drivers can't drive in London either and that she mustn't take it personally but her owner, Madame Bernier, told Pips that Colette was simply looking the wrong way - et voila! She is having a prothese fitted next week.
'Really? Is that poss/'
She is Freddie. She told me. And then there was Mathilde who asked me to 'suivez' her which lifted my heart as you can imagine but Pips ruined the moment as usual. And then she apologised for me which she shouldn't do because I have nothing to apologise for which was when Mathilde's owner told her not to worry because Mathilde runs off with 'n'importe qui' which I thought was unnecessary.
'George? Come on we're going. Terry and Freddie have to go into town'.
What are you doing in town Freddie?
'We're buying a new kettle. Will took the other one with him when he left'.
Never mind Freddie, I have a plan. I think I could live in Paris, I really do. So why don't you come with me and I could introduce you to the lovely Colette and Mathilde and Bijou and...

Hundred and Twelve

The Tuileries sont magnifique Pips. It was a terrific idea of yours to come to Paris it really was. Spring is in the air, the leaves are coming out and I am thrilled to be here I REALLY AM because I can practice my French and/
'OK George do you want to play with your new ball?'
My birthday ball? MY NEW BOUNCY BIRTHDAY BALL? Can I?
'OK then. Just be careful of the pond. I don't want to have to take you back to the hotel all wet'.
I think the Parisians will appreciate how fast/ wa-hey! Watch me go Pips, watch me go!
'Go and fetch it George'.
I'm fetching Pips, I'm fetching! See how fast I go? Can you see how fast I'm go.. oh!
'Go on. Catch it George!'
Um... wait a minute... I've just.. hello?
'C'est votre ballon?'
Excuse...? Ah oui, yes, it is. And you're a very lovely girl if you don't mind my saying. Tres jolie. What's your name?
'Mathilde'.
Mathilde? Well I'm George.
'Georges? Enchante'.
Well yes I am enchante too, I'm sure.
'Suivez moi Georges'.
What? Oh I see. Follow you. Well yes that's a good idea. Let's go behind the hedge....'
'George! No come back!'
'C'est votre proprietaire qui vous appelle?'
Mon prop...?/ ah oui, yes but ignore her. Think no more of her Mathilde. I'm very glad we have met. I am very taken by your style, you have a certain je ne sais quoi and I can see une joie de vivre aussi so would you mind very much if we had a little fun?
'Tu veux s'amuser?'
Amuser? Yes, oui oui oui oui OUI!'
'Est ce que tu m'aimes Georges?'
Oui oui bien sur je t'aime Mathilde, je t'aime je t'aime/
'C'est vrai?.. Moi non plus!'
Oh Mathilde you are naughty. May I?
'Ah mon amour....... Tu es la vague...'
Oui oui Mathilde! Et je vais et je viens entre/
'GEORGE NO!'
Uh-oh.
'GET OFF THAT POOR LITTLE POODLE RIGHT NOW!'


'That is the last time I'm taking you anywhere George'.
I was having a french moment that is all Pips and getting into the spirit of Paris in the springtime. And her name is Mathilde/
'You're staying at home next time I decide to go abroad'.
I simply felt inspired by the great Serge Gainsbourg who enjoyed lovely girls and having fun unlike you who can't appreciate l'amour/
'It's embarrassing George'.
Not as embarrassing as being unable to enjoy yourself/
'Behaving like a randy/
Because you have a problem Pips, yes you do. And there is no need to hold me so tight by the way. I can hardly respirer.