Hundred and Nine

'Welcome for Easter Freddie. I hope you'll be happy with us and not too homesick'.
How can he be homesick Pips when he has no home anymore? He is a dog of divorcing owners and it's all gone shih tzu. She can be very insensitive sometimes Freddie, I apologise.
'I'll take you both for a walk by the canal later but right now I just need to find out what the bloody hell's gone wrong with my computer. We'll put your bowl next to George's Freddie and I'm putting your basket here beside the radiator'.
He won't be sleeping in his basket tonight Pips. He wants to sleep with me in the bookcase don't you Freddie? I'll just move Pips's self-help books which have all been put back in MY BOOKCASE!
'Why is my computer refusing to do anything? George no don't start moving my books out of the bookshelf again or I will get cross'.
But Freddie wants to sleep in the bookcase with me and you told me before he came round that I had to share my things with him.
'It's so typical. You just want to do one small thing and the computer starts playing up. George leave my books alone! I don't want bite marks all over them!'
Well you should have thought about that before you moved them all back into my bookcase AS IF I WOULDN'T NOTICE!
'Don't snap George. You're supposed to be showing Freddie how well you can behave at home'.
But you promised Terry you would look after him and you're doing nothing of the sort when you put all your books back in the bookcase so that there is no room for him to sleep with me. Don't worry Freddie. I'll make space for you'.
'No George leave it! We went through all this nonsense the other week. Leave the books alone!'
Hey Freddie we can have a midnight feast! I know where Pips hides my Good Boy drops which she doesn't give me anymore because she takes me for granted and has stopped trying. We can hide them under my blanket which you can share with me/
'George if you don't stop taking everything out of the bookcase right now you're going to get a smacked bottom'.
'You'd better be careful George'.
She doesn't smack me Freddie, she never has. Do you feel like watching a DVD this evening? Pips? Freddie would like to watch a DVD this evening so can we pass by the DVD shop when we go for our walk? What do you feel like seeing Freddie? A drama or a comedy? Or perhaps a dramady? Here, take this book...
'George! What did I just say to you?'
Or perhaps something with the very wonderful Jennifer Aniston? As long as it's not French we don't mind what we watch do we Pips? Look Freddie. See this? It's the only DVD Pips owns. 'Deep Relaxation: Programme your mind to feel good' it says. It didn't work. It made no difference. None at all. Perhaps Terry would like to borrow it as he's miserable now-OW! OW PIPS! GET OFF ME! HOW DARE YOU!
'I warned you George'.
HOW DARE YOU SMACK ME PIPS!
'I need to get this computer fixed and I'm trying to concentrate and I've told you to leave my books alone! Why can't you be well-behaved like Freddie?'
I am only trying to clear a space for him to sleep next to me so that he WON'T BE LONELY! That's it. I'm not talking to you for the rest of the day. I'm going to sit in my bookcase with Freddie - come on Freddie, let's sit in the bookcase - and he isn't speaking to you either so up yours.


'I think I've done it. My computer seems to be working again! I don't know why but... God, that's a relief. OK so Freddie? George? Shall we go for a walk? George do you want to bring your ball with you?...... George?'
I don't feel like a walk now and neither does Freddie, do you Freddie? No. Because he is as disappointed in you as I am and we've decided we're staying here in the bookcase. So there.
'Hey I tell you what. Shall we pop by the DVD shop on the way and pick up a film for tonight? Would you like that?'
We were interested in that idea earlier but we're not now are we Freddie? We're not in the mood anymore Pips because you ruined it.
'Come on George. I'm sorry I smacked you but it's all forgotten now'.
Well I haven't forgotten about it.
'Aren't you coming?'
Does it look like it?
'Freddie how about you? Would you like a walk?'
'Well....'

Hundred and Eight

I don't believe you Pips, no I don't. The Royal Academy would perfectly well allow me in to see an exhibition but you don't want to take me because you think I have no cultural appreciation. That's the truth. Your phone is ringing Pips. Your phone's ringing!
'Hi Abbie. Are you out? How was it?....... Yeah George and I are in Green Park/'
We're walking through the daffodils, we're walking through the daffodils..
'so we're not far away. We'll be there in five minutes........ Really? Oh OK well we'll see you in there then. See you in a minute. Bye'. OK George it's time to head back. It's my turn to see the exhibition now. Gosh, spring is coming. I thought it was supposed to rain today'.
Don't change the subject Pips. For your information you are not the only one who can appreciate art. In this particular case I have a fine appreciation of all flowers, including sunflowers, and in fact I may well appreciate flowers more than you do in some respects, if you think about it.
'I'm so pleased we're going to have longer evenings from now on. What a relief after that winter'.
And I have a great appreciation of the countryside which is not something you are aware of as you have never taken me out into it. But I like nothing more than a row of old trees, I really do. And a field full of corn is terrific fun to play in. You are probably wondering how I even know this but Rupert's parents, Colonel and Mrs Wilton, lived in the country and when we drove out in the Freelander to visit them we used to go for walks in the fields nearby, so that's how I know. So I am pretty sure that I would appreciate Van Gogh's work more than you in many ways actually.
'Promise me you'll behave while Abbie's looking after you and I'll try not to be too long'.
On top of all that I understand how it feels to struggle with talents that remain unrecognised as in my artistic flair for such projects as my 'Snow Garden' which I created a while ago now, or unappreciated as in my stationery management skills which were wasted on Simon. So you see Vince and I have many things in common - a love of the countryside as well as shared experience. So even though we are separated by time and space you could say we have a spiritual connection.
'And you are a very lucky boy George'.
You could call it a sort of cosmic empathy if you like.
'Abbie is taking you to tea at Richoux'.
Richoux?!
'How about that?'
But that's terrific! 'Ere we go, 'ere we go, 'ere we/ hey Pips! Did you just hear what I said? I said 'Ear we go, ear we go, ear we go'! It just came out! It did! Isn't that fabulous? Vince and I are connected! I told you didn't I? I told you! So you see I don't feel that you will have a greater understanding of the exhibition than I would. No I don't.

Hundred and Seven

Fly me to the moon, let me play among the stars/
'George?'
Let me see what spring is like on jupiter and mars..
'Come here. I have something to say to you'.
You can say it to me from over there. I am springcleaning my bookcase if you don't mind.. Fill my heart with song, and let me sing/
'George come here! Why can't you just do what you're told for once?'
Because I have told you I am cleaning out my bookcase which I wouldn't need to do/
'You make me so cross sometimes'.
if you didn't dump all your self-help books in it with no thought for my sleeping arrangements.
'A dog bit a woman on the number 38 bus the other day'.
That will be because she picked him up and put him where he didn't want to be Pips.
'All she did was look at it and it jumped up and bit her!'
In that case it will be because she gave him a funny look.
'Honestly. What is the world coming to when a dog attacks someone for looking at it?'
Well it depends what sort of look she gave him Pips, as I was saying.
'It made me worry about your behaviour George'.
I don't bite Pips.
'And the time you bit that kind man who helped you onto the bus'.
Well it depends how you define the word 'bite' Pips, actually, and secondly he wasn't helping me because he was putting me somewhere I didn't want to be which is being unhelpful, if you think about it.
'Now they're thinking of bringing in third party insurance for dog owners in case their dogs bite and they're sued'.
Fill my heart with song/
'And I can't afford to start paying third party insurance for you so you'd better start behaving George or there'll be trouble. What are you doing?'
I don't want 'On Becoming a Person' in my bed Pips.
'George no. Put it back'.
Or 'The Art of Letting Go'...
'George leave my books alone'.
And 'Seven Habits of Highly Effective People' is one I feel you can chuck as it's not been very effective.
'George no! Don't take all my books out of the shelf'.
Or 'The Art of Effortless Living'/
'George that's enough! I said no! And my 'no' has got to start meaning 'no'!'
So has mine Pips.
'I want you to put all those books back right now. Honestly, why can't you be normal and sleep in a basket like every other dog?'
The phone's ringing. The phone's ringing!
'Who is that now?'
How should I know?
'Hello?..... Terry hi, how are you?......... No! When did you.....?.... Shit'.
What's happened Pips?
'OK I'm coming round. I'll be right over. See you in a minute. Bye... Bye'.
What Pips?
'Oh my God George. Terry has found out Will has been having an affair. He's chucked him out of the flat'.
Freddie! We've got to save Freddie Pips! He'll end up in the spaghetti bolognese! Freddie I'm coming. I'm coming Freddie!

Hundred and Six

We're going to Paa-ris, WE'RE GOING TO PAA-RIS!
'Sssh George, other people are trying to concentrate. Now sit here while I book our flights/'
Pips? PIPS?
'and we'll just have to hope that British Airways don't bloody go on strike that weekend'.
Can we walk along the Champs-Elysees at night and watch the twinkling lights?
'No George, get your paws off the keyboard'.
Pips? PIPS? Can we take a boat trip on the Seine?
'OK, here we are. British Airways....
Freddie says it's terrific.
'Now I thought we would go on Friday 23rd April..'
THE 23RD APRIL? But that's my birthday!
'Sssh George. I need to pay attention. No sit down properly'.
But it's my birthday! I'M GOING TO PARIS ON MY BIRTHDAY!
'And back on Monday.... 26th. OK. Let's see what flights they've got'.
Pips? Can you buy me a new travelling box because as you know, and as I told you before you bought it, mine is too small.
'Yes look! There's a flight at 8.00pm on the 23rd...'
And I would very much like to be able to stretch out while travelling actually.
'and we could come back at either 6.20pm on the Monday or 8.15pm'.
And I will need to take my bowl and my bone/
'George no, don't bite the chair'.
and, of course, my ball without any air in it.
'Let's book the 8.15pm flight....'
Pips? PIPS! Perhaps you could buy me a new collar for the occasion because although I said I could make do that was when I thought it would be necessary for us to do so. But there's no point in doing it really when there isn't.
'No take your paw off the mouse George. Stay on the chair'.
Perhaps we could play ball in one of the parks so the Parisians can see how quickly I can run and fetch?
'OK so let's go out on the 23rd at 8.00pm and back on the 26th at 8.15pm....
Pips! PIPS! Perhaps I will meet a lovely french girl?
'Right. So credit card number....'
Freddie met a lovely girl in the queue outside the Louvre when he was there with Terry and Will. She had just been coiffed. He still thinks of her.
'Expiry date....'
He says that french girls are very lovely/
'George you're slobbering all over the keyboard'.
when they're not being rude.
'Sit down properly'.
And I will be able to practice my french. Katie was doing a french course while I was living with her and Rupert in Cheam so you may be surprised by my niveau.
'OK I think that's about it. Are we ready to confirm the booking George?
Oui oui! Mais oui oui OUI OUI OUI OUI OUI OUI OUI!
'George stop it! Calm down and stop biting the seat. Right. Let's confirm'.
WE'RE GOING TO PAA-RIS!
'George if you don't shut up and stop wrecking the chair I'm going to spin you round in it. OK that's it. We're booked. Let's just print up the confirmation...'
WE'RE GOIN TO PAA-RIS, WE'RE GOING TO PAA-/
'OK that's it George. Voila!'
What.../?
'There you go'.
H-e-l-p! I'm spinning...
'Serves you right'.
I'm spinning around Pips. I'm spinning around.... Hey Pips, I'm spinning around, move out of my way, I know you're feeling/ ...whoaah!!


'Careful of the lamppost George'.
Which one Pips?
'Oops. No come round this side. No this way...'
Which way?
'Feeling a bit dizzy are we?'
I can't walk straight.
'What a spectacle you made of yourself, flying off the chair like that'.
I was inspired Pips! I felt suddenly in touch with my inner Kylie who, as you know, is also fond of spinning around and I couldn't help it. Where are we going on my birthday? I've forgotten.
'George I'm carrying you, you're all over the place'.

Hundred and Five

'....... OK Philippa?'
'Sorry?'
'Shall we have our talk?'
'Right. Of course Simon. I'll/'
'Take a seat in my office and I'll be with you in a sec'.
Oh God George I'm really worried. If I lose my job I'm never going to be able to find another one especially now that I've got you. It's a really bad time to be out of work at the moment and if I can't find another job I'm not going to be able to pay the mortgage and then I'll lose my flat and we'll end up on the street'.
I'll look after you Pips I promise, if you promise you won't take me back to Battersea.
'And I won't have enough money to take care of you properly'.
I will manage. I don't need a new bone or collar for a while and even though my ball has lost all the air in it I can make do. I am a Battersea dog after all.
'Right Philippa. Are we ready?'
'Yes I'm just... I'm coming'.
'I think perhaps we should close the door'.
'Yes. No George you stay there'.
But Pips it is not only your future that is at stake it is mine too.
'No George. You stay out there and I'll be out in a min... Oh'.
I'm in Pips.
'Er... is it OK if George...?'
'Joins us? When does he ever not join us? From the day that dog arrived he's been joining us every step of the way'.
'Should I...?'
'No, leave him or there'll be hysterics. Have a seat...... So. Philippa. You know what this is all about'.
Restructuring restructuring restruc/
'This is to give us a chance - with the imminent restructuring/'
Told you Pips.
'- to discuss how you see your future role within the company, where you see yourself going, that sort of thing'.
'Right'.
'So let's start by you giving me an idea of where you see yourself in five years time'.
'Five years?'
'Yeah. For example'.
Not here. Do you Pips? No.
'Um...'
Not here not here not here not here not here not here
'Well...'
'Ignore the sickbag for two seconds'.
'I am'.
'No you're not. You're watching him. Stop thinking about him'.
She is thinking about me because she loves me and she can think about me as much as she likes Simon.
'I want you to think about yourself for a minute'.
You can think about me as much as you like Pips.
'It just encourages his ego. Ignore him'.
'Right. Well... gosh it's just that five years seems a long time away'.
'It's not that long'.
It depends how you define the word 'long' doesn't it Pips?
'I really... I don't know'.
'You must have some idea, surely'.
Not necessarily. Do you have any idea how much of a tosser you are? No. So you see?
'I don't. I really don't. Why should I? I mean, everything is so uncertain and all the things we all thought we could rely on aren't reliable anymore so....'.
'Like what?'
'Everything. I mean everyone thought that money was a safe investment but then it turns out that the banks were basically gambling with it and billions of pounds were lost overnight and suddenly no-one has any money and who saw that coming? And then there are couples who you think have a really good, solid relationship and one day you find out that they're breaking apart and they don't know why because they also didn't see it coming so, you know, it doesn't mean a thing where you see yourself because what is it based on? How do we know that anything is what it seems?'
Steady on Pips, steady on.
'And now there have been three earthquakes this year already and people are losing their houses, their whole families, their entire lives in forty five seconds/'
Pips you're getting carried away.
'So I mean how can anyone say with any sort of certainty where they see themselves in even one year, let alone five, when the world is so unstable?'
You're coming across as a bit unstable yourself right now Pips if you don't mind me saying so.
'And so fragile. Maybe we should just be grateful for each moment that we're OK and not struck by disaster. I mean all I can say is that I'm happy working here for you at the moment and .... that's all that matters, isn't it? Because now is all there is'.


'Bravo! Bravo Pips!
'I think it's the only time he's ever thanked me for what I do for him'.
He probably thought you would kill yourself if he didn't actually.
'I don't know what came over me. I just got angry'.
That's because you're an angry person Pips but you don't know it yet.
'It's so easy for Simon to talk about the future when he gets everything he wants in life. He can sit there all smug now that he's engaged to be married to Stephanie... it's bloody irritating'.
Only because you're jealous Pips. You're jealous you're jealous you're jealous...
'And I suppose it's painful to be reminded that you aren't where you had hoped you might be'.
But you've done what you wanted to do! You've saved your job Pips! That's terrific it really is! And although I would be happier not working for a tosser I have decided that if you don't mind working for one, why should I?
'Anyway let's celebrate George. What shall we do?'
I think I would very much like a new ball Pips because although I said I can make do without one it would help if I had one that could bounce as that is what they are for after all.
'I think I know. I've got an idea. I'm not going to tell you yet though. It's going to be a surprise'.
A surprise Pips? But that's smashing! All the best things in life are surprises. Except for when they're disasters. Which can come at any time, as you said.

Hundred and Four

She held my mouth shut Freddie. She did, I swear.
'That's not on George'.
I know. That's what I told her.
'Why did she do that?'
I don't know Freddie. There was no reason at all. None at all. Simon was announcing redundancies and then he announced his engagement but don't get Pips started on it or she'll never stop.
'You weren't interrupting or anything?'
No Freddie, honest, but he joked about getting rid of dogs first and someone said 'hear hear'. They did, I distinctly heard it. Can you believe it? And I wanted to know who it was that is all. I was only asking a question but they don't believe in asking questions in the office.
'They're probably worried about losing their jobs'.
But it would be terrific! There would be no more working for a tosser! I would be thrilled. How was your week Freddie?
'Not good George. Terry and Will had a huge row the other night and normally I sleep on the bed with them as you know but this time Terry told Will to sleep on the sofa so my loyalties were divided'.
That is terrible Freddie. What did you do?
'I was in bed with Terry until 3.15 and then I joined Will on the sofa for the rest of the night but I couldn't sleep'.
Of course you couldn't Freddie. It is not acceptable to be put in a predicament like that. You should have said 'Up yours' and refused to sleep with either of them. It is unforgiveable it really is.
'Things are getting worse between them George'.
That is couples for you Freddie. They are the reason I ended up in Battersea. Katie called Rupert an 'uptight English asshole' so he called her a 'neurotic American bitch' and that was just over breakfast. So Katie flew back to America and Rupert took me to Battersea. And when Steve was leaving Debs she threw all his stuff out the window so Steve threw Yours Truly at Debs saying 'An' you can keep the flippin' dog 'n all' which was when I landed in the spaghetti bolognese from the night before which Steve hadn't chucked away which was why they were arguing in the first place. And Debs was shouting 'Don't frow George at me when I'm holdin' the baby you fuckin' idiot' and so Steve drove off in the Nissan and that was the beginning of my going back to Battersea for the second time so don't tell me about couples, DON'T TELL ME! I have had it up to here with them I really have, I HAVE HAD IT UP TO HERE!


'How can you forget you're going out for a meal with your partner when you're the one who's booked it?'.
'Will booked the restaurant?'
'He was supposed to be making an effort after the last row and instead he forgets to turn up. I don't know, maybe he's met someone. He's distracted.... It's like he doesn't care about us anymore. I know we've been a bit bored of each other but.... that's life, isn't it? I mean I didn't think we were unhappy or anything. Anyway if he doesn't want to be with me anymore then he should tell me and..... go. He can take what he wants from the flat, I don't care, but he's not having Freddie'.
'................ It's starting to rain. Shall we go for a coffee? I'll treat you'.
'Thanks Philippa. Where are the dogs?'
'George?'
'Freddie? Freds?'


They're calling us. Let's hide Freddie.
'Good idea George'.
Come behind this tree. Just.... here. No wait...... here...... No wait...... here.
'Are you sure you can't be seen there George?'
Positive Freddie. This is good. They'll think we've run away which is what they deserve right now.


'George? Where are you?'
'Come on Freds, we're getting wet. Philippa is taking us for a coffee'.
'I know where they are. I can see George's bottom sticking out from behind that tree'.
'Are they hiding from us?'
'I can see you George!'
That's it Freddie, I'm fed up with both of them I really am. YES WE WERE HIDING FROM YOU AND IT'S THE MOST FUN FREDDIE HAS HAD ALL WEEK AND YOU'VE JUST RUINED IT! YOU'VE RUINED IT PIPS!
'Sssh George. Come on, we're going'.
And I'll tell you something else. We're not going for coffee are we Freddie? No, we like the rain and we're staying RIGHT HERE IN THE GARDENS!
'Come on George. Don't be naughty'.
'Why not? Give us one reason to be good Pips. After yours and Terry's behaviour this week it is the least you can do. The very least.
'Quickly Freds! It's pouring'.
'No don't lie down George. What's the matter?'
I'm waiting. We're waiting aren't we Freddie?
'Yes, we are. We're waiting'.