Hundred and Four

She held my mouth shut Freddie. She did, I swear.
'That's not on George'.
I know. That's what I told her.
'Why did she do that?'
I don't know Freddie. There was no reason at all. None at all. Simon was announcing redundancies and then he announced his engagement but don't get Pips started on it or she'll never stop.
'You weren't interrupting or anything?'
No Freddie, honest, but he joked about getting rid of dogs first and someone said 'hear hear'. They did, I distinctly heard it. Can you believe it? And I wanted to know who it was that is all. I was only asking a question but they don't believe in asking questions in the office.
'They're probably worried about losing their jobs'.
But it would be terrific! There would be no more working for a tosser! I would be thrilled. How was your week Freddie?
'Not good George. Terry and Will had a huge row the other night and normally I sleep on the bed with them as you know but this time Terry told Will to sleep on the sofa so my loyalties were divided'.
That is terrible Freddie. What did you do?
'I was in bed with Terry until 3.15 and then I joined Will on the sofa for the rest of the night but I couldn't sleep'.
Of course you couldn't Freddie. It is not acceptable to be put in a predicament like that. You should have said 'Up yours' and refused to sleep with either of them. It is unforgiveable it really is.
'Things are getting worse between them George'.
That is couples for you Freddie. They are the reason I ended up in Battersea. Katie called Rupert an 'uptight English asshole' so he called her a 'neurotic American bitch' and that was just over breakfast. So Katie flew back to America and Rupert took me to Battersea. And when Steve was leaving Debs she threw all his stuff out the window so Steve threw Yours Truly at Debs saying 'An' you can keep the flippin' dog 'n all' which was when I landed in the spaghetti bolognese from the night before which Steve hadn't chucked away which was why they were arguing in the first place. And Debs was shouting 'Don't frow George at me when I'm holdin' the baby you fuckin' idiot' and so Steve drove off in the Nissan and that was the beginning of my going back to Battersea for the second time so don't tell me about couples, DON'T TELL ME! I have had it up to here with them I really have, I HAVE HAD IT UP TO HERE!


'How can you forget you're going out for a meal with your partner when you're the one who's booked it?'.
'Will booked the restaurant?'
'He was supposed to be making an effort after the last row and instead he forgets to turn up. I don't know, maybe he's met someone. He's distracted.... It's like he doesn't care about us anymore. I know we've been a bit bored of each other but.... that's life, isn't it? I mean I didn't think we were unhappy or anything. Anyway if he doesn't want to be with me anymore then he should tell me and..... go. He can take what he wants from the flat, I don't care, but he's not having Freddie'.
'................ It's starting to rain. Shall we go for a coffee? I'll treat you'.
'Thanks Philippa. Where are the dogs?'
'George?'
'Freddie? Freds?'


They're calling us. Let's hide Freddie.
'Good idea George'.
Come behind this tree. Just.... here. No wait...... here...... No wait...... here.
'Are you sure you can't be seen there George?'
Positive Freddie. This is good. They'll think we've run away which is what they deserve right now.


'George? Where are you?'
'Come on Freds, we're getting wet. Philippa is taking us for a coffee'.
'I know where they are. I can see George's bottom sticking out from behind that tree'.
'Are they hiding from us?'
'I can see you George!'
That's it Freddie, I'm fed up with both of them I really am. YES WE WERE HIDING FROM YOU AND IT'S THE MOST FUN FREDDIE HAS HAD ALL WEEK AND YOU'VE JUST RUINED IT! YOU'VE RUINED IT PIPS!
'Sssh George. Come on, we're going'.
And I'll tell you something else. We're not going for coffee are we Freddie? No, we like the rain and we're staying RIGHT HERE IN THE GARDENS!
'Come on George. Don't be naughty'.
'Why not? Give us one reason to be good Pips. After yours and Terry's behaviour this week it is the least you can do. The very least.
'Quickly Freds! It's pouring'.
'No don't lie down George. What's the matter?'
I'm waiting. We're waiting aren't we Freddie?
'Yes, we are. We're waiting'.

Fifty Nine

‘What a beautiful morning. I could sit here in the sun all day, couldn’t you? It makes me impatient for summer’.
‘I know. Will and I started talking about holidays over breakfast’.
‘Really? Where are you going?’
‘We haven’t decided yet. We never do. He likes Spain but I prefer Italy so we never make a decision until the last minute by which time all the cheap fares have gone so then we have a row about it. Usual thing’.
‘Who looks after Freddie when you go away?’
‘Oh he comes with us. He’s been chipped and got his passport and everything. He loves travelling. Gets really over-excited at the sight of luggage in the hall’.
‘You don’t find it too difficult with him? I mean he’s well-behaved is he?’
‘Yes. I mean I don’t let him off the lead when we’re abroad – but apart from that… yeah’.
‘My God this is only the third or fourth time I’ve dared to let George off the lead in his own street! And that’s only because you and Freddie are here and I don’t think he’d run off while Freddie is around but……. I’d really love a holiday’.
‘Just get him chipped. It’s easy. And quite a few hotels take dogs now’.
‘So where have you been with Freddie?’
‘We went to Prague a year ago. And he’s been to Majorca and… where else…? Oh yes. Rome. Where he fell in the Trevi Fountain – that was a bit of a Fellini moment wasn’t it Freddie? Hey Freds! There was no stopping your inner Anita Ekberg from bursting out was there?.... He’s ignoring me’.


‘Pretend you can’t hear them George’.
I will Freddie. Watch this.
‘What?’
This. It’s what I do when I’ve had enough of Pips.
‘Turn your back on her?’
Yes. And I say ‘talk to the arse’ which she usually does because she’s lonely.
‘That’s not very mature George’.
I think maturity is overrated Freddie.
‘Yes I’m beginning to see that’.
So what do you think about stationery then? Do you think there is a future in it for me?
‘Well…..’
Because, as you have heard, I am really very fond of it.
‘Yes I’ve heard George. Is there an opening in the stationery department in your office then?’
There’s not a stationery department as such Freddie but Nadine is in charge of the stationery ordering and every time she has to order something I have noticed that she calls it ‘fucking stationery’. So I think there would be no opposition from her to my taking a more active role as far as the stationery ordering is concerned and generally making a useful contribution which is something I am very good at although I don’t like to boast.
‘Hey you’ve been to Barcelona haven’t you Freddie? I forgot he’d been there. Would you recommend Barrthelona to George, Freds?’
‘The trouble with people, George, is that they think everything revolves around them’.
It doesn’t Freddie.
‘No I know that but they don’t know that. They don’t understand that there are times, and Sunday mornings are one of them, when we like to be left alone to do our own things, whatever they are, in our own time’.
At this time of year I particularly like to smell the crocuses coming up Freddie, and the daffodils as they open……. which reminds me. Now that Spring is in the air do you know of any lovely girls in the neighbourhood who might take a fancy to Yours Truly?
‘Have you met Molly, the cocker spaniel?’
I don’t like her. She always gives me a funny look.
‘Funny in what way?’
She makes me feel insecure.
‘But she’s a nice girl George’.
She makes me feel insecure Freddie she makes me feel insecure!
‘OK OK. Well let me see. There’s the new girl in the street, Princess, the Pomeranian. I’ve only met her once though so I don’t/’.
Oh I think I’ve seen her from the window Freddie! She’s terrific!
‘She’s more your type is she?’
She is Freddie, yes.
‘She looks as though she could be a bit high-maintenance George’.
I don’t mind Freddie as long as she enjoys a bit of fun.
‘What if she’s too busy thinking about herself to be any fun?’
I think she may change her mind when she meets me Freddie.
‘Right George. I see where you’re coming from now. Just keep away from Biscuit, the Yorkshire Terrier, because I have a soft spot for her and am in the middle of delicate operations to win her over’.
All right Freddie.
‘Promise me you won’t touch her George’.
I promise. As long as you promise to stay away from a lovely girl called Daffodil I met in Regent’s Park last year who was going to be the mother of my children.
‘OK Freddie? Come on. Let’s go. We’ve got things to do today’.
‘Come here George, we’re going. And guess what. I’ve decided to get you chipped’.
!!! NO DON’T SNIP ME DON’T SNIP ME PIPS DON’T SNIP ME/
‘George she said chipped’.
DO NOT SNIP ME! I DO NOT WANT TO BE SNIPPED!
‘George! Come back……. ’