Hundred and Thirty Eight

'.... But Ruthie and Freddie were absolutely no problem. It's only George who's incapable of behaving himself. He fell on Elliot's head for God's sake! And he's just turned 79!'
Tall and tan and young and lovely
The girl from Ipanema goes walking
And when she passes/
'Hang on Abbie. George get on with it and do your business. It's bloody freezing out here'.
I'm trying Pips. I thought that singing a warm song may help because the cold doesn't agree with my bowels and I can't help it if there is no movement and nothing is coming.
'What was I saying?.... Oh yes/.... Well no I know it wasn't his fault but taxis are always stopping suddenly which is why I didn't want him up on the back shelf. It's my own fault. I should have taken him on an obedience training course years ago and now I can't afford it'.
When she walks, she's like a samba
That swings so cool and sways so gen/
'Honestly Abbie he's pfaffing around and not showing the slightest interest in getting on with it. Hurry up George! I'm freezing to death and it's getting dark. Come on!'.
The cold makes me constipated Pips. Nothing is happening. I feel I could hold it for a week I really do.
'OK look Abbie I've got to get home. I'm so cold I can hardly think straight and my toes are like ice. So are you on for some Christmas shopping next weekend?.... Great. We'll talk in the week then. Yes, bye. OK come on George. You've missed your chance. And it's no use kicking your back legs as though you've actually performed'.
Only kidding Pips. You know me.


Pips? Pips? Pips? PIPS!
'No George! We've only just got back inside. You'll have to wait'.
I can't. The heat is having an effect and I can feel my bowels starting to work again and I need to/........oh.
'GEORGE?!'
Whoops.
'Shit George I don't believe this!'

Hundred and Thirty Seven

'OK so you'll come and pick us up again in two hours?'
'I'll be here'.
'Great, thanks. Freds come here'.
'All right Ruthie my darling, let's have tea'.
'Er Terry? You go on in with Elliot. I just want a quick word with George'.
'Sure but don't be long or we'll have eaten all the cake'.
'We won't. OK let's just wait for them to go inside....... Right George. Now if you don't start behaving this minute I'm taking you home. I know it's exciting coming into town and you like travelling in cabs and if you want to jump all over me that is one thing but I said 'no' to the back shelf because I knew there'd be an accident so there is absolutely no excuse for landing on Elliot's head. Do you hear me?'
That man over there is looking at you and shaking his head/
'And if you were trying to impress Ruthie with your stunts I should think she's lost interest by now'.
I wasn't.


'Happy Birthday Elliot'.
'Yes Happy Birthday to you!'
'Happy Birthday to me. Now let's have some more cake'.
'It's delicious....'.
'So Philippa, apart from George, who we all know and love, is there anyone else special in your life?'
'No. I've given up on men. So has Terry haven't we Terry?'
'Yes we've given up. They're all bastards'.
'Oh no, you mustn't give up. One must never give up on love'.
'We're onto dogs now as you can tell'.
'Yes and judging by George's behaviour it's probably just as well I don't have a man in my life as he'd no doubt be giving me the runaround as well'.
'You've been more successful with George than I was with Will'.
'Well that's true'.
'Who's Will?'
'Terry's ex-boyfriend'.
'He ran off with someone he'd known all of about two minutes'.
'Oh dear. That's disappointing'.
'I wish I was your age Elliot. Your generation are the last gentlemen'.
'I don't know about that. But what I do know is that I owe all of who I am today to my beloved wife who insisted on bringing out the best in me. That's what you must search for'.
'But I never meet anyone!'
'What happens if the person you meet brings out the bitch in you?'
'Oh Terry!'
'In that case I think one has to let them go on their way really'.
'I think Freddie's been better for me than any of my boyfriends'.
'I'm not sure George entirely brings out the best in me. Well no he doesn't. I mean that's obvious. Especially as I spend most of my time telling him off. So he brings out the stress in me actually, if you know what I mean'.


You're lucky you don't have to deal with women Freddie. They're very difficult, they really are.
'We're not difficult if we're listened to but you don't listen do you George?'
'Ruthie may have a point there George'.
Since when did you become a feminist Freddie?
'Listening to a woman has nothing to do with being a feminist George'.
'No it has to do with respect doen't it Ruthie?'
Yes all right Freddie/
'Perhaps you don't do what Philippa asks you to do because she's a woman George. Have you thought of that?'
No I don't do what she tells me to do, Ms Fields, because she's a person.
'Well that's fair enough when you put it like that'.
Yes I know Freddie thank you, because who do people think they are?
'Just people probably George'.
But they don't listen to us do they Ms Fields? They don't listen to us! And I have had enough of being told what I can or cannot do I really have. It dampens my enjoyment of life when they constantly interfere/
'Hey! How are the dogs doing down under the table?'
You see? Here we go.
'Hi you lot. How are you getting on with your cakes? What are you doing down there George?'
Talking about you Pips and how difficult it is to live with you, since you ask.
'I like living with Elliot'.
'Terry's OK too. Most of the time'.
'Oh George look at you! You've got mille feuille all over your face!'
No no get off! GET OFF ME!


'Thank you Elliot. I had a wonderful time. Thank you so much for inviting us'.
'And thank you for the little book Philippa, that is very sweet of you. You shouldn't have'.
'And I'm really sorry once again for George's terrible behviour. It's embarrassing it really is'.
'Oh no. He's a delight. I'll see you in the gardens next week I hope'.
'Yes see you. Bye....... You are a very badly-behaved little dog George. I was ashamed of you this afternoon'.
Elliot said I am a delight/
'No you're not walking. Come here'.
Er Pips? You're squeezing me quite tightly actually...

Hundred and Thirty Six

How about 'Rumour has it' with the very wonderful Jennifer Aniston?
'George can you get out of the middle of the shop. You're tripping everyone up as usual'.
Not really Pips because as I have told you I can't see the titles of the films if I stand/
'Just move over by the door. Oh God George I don't know what to choose'.
How about 'The Holiday' with the terrific Cameron Diaz?
'And the supper is going to be burnt if we don't make a decision soon'.
Well why do you always put the supper in the oven before we come to the DVD shop? You know you can't make a decision in less than 45 minutes but you never learn Pips.
'OK George it's decision time. We could go for a french film/'
No no no no no no no! Not a french film Pips! I have not come to the DVD shop this evening to rent a boring french film. No way Jose!
'Or we could go for a recent release. I really miss going to the cinema George. I've hardly been at all since I got you'.
Well I'm not stopping you. I would be thrilled to go to the Screen on the Green with you but you never ask.
'I wonder what 'A bout de souffle' is like'.
How about 'Lara Croft: Tomb Raider' with the fabulous Angelina Jolie Pips? No?.... Or.....
'OK I'm going to get this George. I've never seen it and it's one of the most important films of the nouvelle vague'.
Since when have you cared about the nouvelle va/
'George get away from the door. Someone is trying to get in. Oh Terry it's you!'
Freddie!
'Sorry, we're blocking the doorway'.
It's not my fault Freddie. Pips/
'Hi Philippa. Hi George'.
'How are you Terry?'
Freddie Freddie Freddie Freddie/
'It was glandular fever'.
'No! Really? Are you OK?. My God you've got a few films there!'
'This is everything I watched while I was ill'.
Freddie Freddie Freddie Freddie Freddie Freddie Fre-DDIE!
'Calm down George'.
'We watched the entire Fellini collection didn't we Freds? And then we went onto Almodovar'.
Pips wants to get out a french film but nothing happens in them as you know Freddie.
'Nothing happens in Fellini either George. And Terry's watched them all a hundred times. I fall asleep'.
Well it's selfish Freddie it really is. I do nothing but make suggestions and now suddenly it's all about the nouvelle vague.
'Are you still on for Elliot's birthday tea next Saturday?'
She does it deliberately.
'Sure. How are we getting there? I thought we could all get a taxi together/'
TAXI?
'and I'll pay'.
TAXI! WE'RE GOING IN A TAXI!
'Ssssh George. That's a really good idea. Do you want me to book it?'
'No I can do it/'
'So what's happening here? You want to take out this film?'
'Yes I'm sorry, we're holding up the queue'.
'Can I just drop these films back?'
'Sure'.
WE'RE GOING IN A TAXI!
'OK well I'll let Elliot know that's what we're doing'.
'Great. And I'll call you'.
WE'RE GOING IN A TAXI!
'Yes let's speak in the week'.
'See you next week George'.
See you Freddie. WE'RE GOING/
'George shut up for God's sake'.

Hundred and Thirty Five

'Look at the halloween lanterns all lit up in the windows over there George'.
They're pretty aren't they Pips?
'They're really glowing'.
Can we go through the gardens? The gate is still open, see?
'I can see some little ghosts and witches in front of the church'.
Those are the same children that tricked and treated us earlier Pips. They're on their second round of the street. Can you believe it?


'George?'
I'm behind the tree, doing my business Pips if you don't mind.
'George?'
You won't need to pick it up since it's dark and no-one will see it.
'Where are you?'
Oh look, there's a white plastic bag.
'Are you hiding from me?'
Perhaps I can get into it and scare Pips. That's a good idea George. You're welcome. If I can just open it...
'Come on. It's starting to spit with rain. George?'
There we are...
'I knew I shouldn't have let you off the lead'.
WOOOOH... WOOOOOH!
'What/..?'
WOOOOH!
'Oh shit George! You scared me for a second there'.
WOOOOOH!
'What are you doing?'
I am the ghost of George and I come out but once a year/
'George get out of the bag'.
WOOOOH......
'George no come here. We need to get you out of the bag'.
You know me Pips. I like to have a laugh.
'George get out of that bag'.
Because I am a fun-loving/
'GEORGE GET OUT OF THE BAG NOW!'


You know what your problem is Pips? You have no sense of humour. None at all. You didn't tell off any of the children who were trick or treating for wearing the sheets off their parents beds did you? I could have taken the sheet off your bed too but I didn't. I improvised because that's the sort of dog I am. I was behind the tree doing my business when I happened to notice the bag lying there and I had a moment of inspiration. Which is what jokes are all about Pips. They're a spontaneous expression/
'People shouldn't leave plastic bags lying around. It makes me really angry'.
Blame people then Pips. Don't blame me.
'They're dangerous. You could have suffocated in it'.
Well then I would have been the real ghost of George. Which would have been terrific because perhaps I would have floated. Which would have been even more impressive.