Hundred and Thirty Four

'Oh Elliot it's so nice to sit here in the sunshine and talk to you. You have no idea. I've had the worst week'.
'Why was that?'
'Simon, my boss, was in a foul mood every day all day. He didn't stop going on about the spending cuts and how George Osborne is being unfair to the top earners. The top earners! I wouldn't mind if he was worried about the poor but no, he's just concerned about himself. He has more money than he knows what to do with. He's always flying off to exotic far-flung places - the Maldives or the Seychelles or wherever and he drives a Porsche so, you know, I don't feel sorry for him. He was supposed to be getting married at the end of next month but something's happened and they've delayed the wedding although I don't think it's going to happen at all now since he's stopped taking phone calls from Stephanie, his fiancee'.
'Oh dear'.
'It's always the same. His relationships never last. But he'll have found a new girlfriend in a couple of months because he always does'.


Just because you've got a surname doesn't mean you know more about things than me.
'I never said it did George'.
No but I'm just telling you.
'A surname doesn't mean anything. It really doesn't'.
I know. That's what I'm telling you Ms Fields.
So why do you keep calling me Ms Fields then? I prefer just Ruthie.
Well it's easy for you to prefer just Ruthie when you've got a surname.
'I think you've got a bit of a chip on your shoulder George'.
No because I almost definitely have a surname too, as you well know. I just don't happen to know what it is because of my humble history as a Battersea dog.
'George I want to show you something. Follow me'.


'Philippa it may be a little premature but it is my birthday in a couple of weeks time and I wondered if you and George and Terry and Freddie would like to join Ruthie and I for tea and cake at my favourite little coffee house'.
'Where's that?'
'Patisserie Valerie in Soho. I'm having a soiree with my old friends the evening before my birthday but I would like to invite my delightful new friends to celebrate with me on the day, if you would like'.
'I would love to Elliot! I'm looking forward to it already!'
'Splendid. Then I will make a reservation for three people and three dogs and we will take afternoon tea together. Will you be seeing Terry?'
'Yes he's ill. George and I are popping round later to take him some soup and walk Freddie so I'll speak to him about it'.
'Good. But no presents OK? I'm too old for all of that. I don't need anything anymore except good company'.


'Look George!'
What?
'That's it'.
A ball of wool? How did it get here?
'Someone must have dropped it'.
It's probably from the wool shop in Camden Passage. Pips and I were in there yester/ what are you doing?
'Take this end George'.
That's a terrific idea Ms Fields! You take one end and I can take the other and/
'I'm just going to...'.
What? What are you...?
'Bring it around here...'
Where? What are you/
'Over here'.
But...
'I'm going to wrap you in it'.
But no... wait, that tickles Ms Fi/.... no it tickles!
'See?'
But no it tick/ No Ruthie no!
'Hah! Got you!'
What?
'You called me Ruthie'.
No I didn't.
'Yes you did'.
It was an accident.


'I don't get into town as much as I used to. My legs don't carry me as far as they once did. I'm a little slow for Ruthie now'.
'Oh I'm sure she doesn't mind'.
'My wife Grace loved walking. They used to walk together across Hampstead Heath/ Oh look who's coming. At least I think...'
'George?'
'My goodness. Is he wearing the new season's fashion or is my eyesight getting worse?'
Look Pips! PIPS! PIPS! Look at me! I'm walking like an Egyptian!

Hundred and Thirty Three

'This government doesn't know what the hell it's doing. Is Jason in? Can you tell him we need to speak about George Osborne's plans to ruin this company along with the entire country. Oh and if Stephanie calls I'm in a meeting'.
'OK'.
'And I don't know what time I'll be getting home'.
'Right'.
'Why is my iphone on the blink?'
'I/'
'Can you get Narindu up here to look at it'.
'Mahinder, yes I'll ca/'
'And close my door. I can't concentrate with the raquet going on out there'.


'Mahinder? Hi it's Philippa. Could you come up and look at Simon's iphone? He's having problems with it. ..... I don't know exactly, he didn't say but.... How long will that take? OK well if you could come up after that... good. Thanks'.
'Philippa!'
'Yes Simon?'
'I need a coffee'.
'OK'.
Pips the phone's ringing. THE PHONE'S RINGING!
'Sssh George don't you start. Hello? Simon Lewis's office... Oh Stephanie, hi'.
Ooops it's Stephie.
'Er well he's actually in a meeting at the moment. Can I take a message?........ No I'm afraid I don't know what time/...... Hello? Hello?... Stephanie's just hung up on me George'.
She's cross isn't she Pips? She's furious.
'George what are you/... No George NO!
It's Simon's/
'Drop it. That's naughty George!'


'Philippa?'
'Yes Simon?'
'Where is the report on pay structures? It was here yesterday'.
'Yes it's... um.. it's.. here. It's a bit... George got hold of it and/'
'How did that happen?'
'I don't know. I...'
'Well I can't take it into a meeting looking like this. You'll have to photocopy it'.
'The photocopier isn't working at the moment'.
'Why not? What's wrong with it?'
'I don't know. They've called the engineer out'.
'Great. How is anyone supposed to get anything done around here?'
'I don't/'
'At least Stephanie didn't call to harang me'.
'Er... well actually she did. I mean not to harang you but she called. Well maybe it was to harang/'
'Did you tell her I was in a meeting?'
'Yes'.
And then she hung up on you Pips didn't she?
'No! You - out!'
Because she's rude.
'George no. You know you're not allowed in Simon's office'.
But/
'This dog is unbelievable! OUT!
Oooh I beg your pardon Mrs Arden. Keep your hair on.
'NOW!
'George go outsi/'
YES ALL RIGHT PIPS THERE'S NO NEED FOR YOU TO JOIN IN! I HEARD THE FIRST TIME!
'You know Philippa even stupid dogs understand the word 'no''.
'He does under/'
'No he doesn't. He's as thick as two short planks'.
I do understand it. I just choose to ignore it when it comes from you.
'He's short and thick. No wonder he ended up in Battersea'.


'Thank God that day's over George. I need to get home'.
Just because he's pissed off with the Government's spending cuts is no reason to take it out on us is it Pips? Especially since he voted for David Cameron in the first place.
'Oh look! The bus is coming!'
But I want to walk.
'Quick George let's see if we can catch it!'
Oh OK Pips. Just this once.
'Run George!'
We're go-ing ho-ome, we're go-ing ho-ome....

Hundred and Thirty Two

Pips? Pips? Pips? PIPS! PIPS! PIPS!
'What's the matter George?'
I've been thinking and I've come up with a brilliant money-spinning idea which means that we will never have to work again. 'What is it George?' you ask. Well Pips it is very simple. I am going to dig a tunnel deep under the gardens - which is not so special in itself as I am an excellent digger as you know. But wait. The brilliant part of it is that I will dig so deep that the tunnel will collapse behind me. When it does, you will call the emergency services to organise a major operation to rescue me - preferably in a capsule with some free sunglasses thrown in - and if you could arrange for David Cameron to be rallying the crowd and waiting to greet me at the surface that would be terrific. I will be hailed as a hero, which is a role I feel would suit me very well, and as a result of my new status we will be able to sell my story of being buried underground for huge sums of money. And that's not all. We will also be able to sell the film rights to Hollywood which means we will never have to work again - for a tosser or anybody! What do you think? Pips? PIPS? PIPS! PIPS!
'Sssh! What is it?'
There is just one thing. I don't feel like being down there for a long time so if you could rescue me quickly that would be good. In fact if you could start rescuing me immediately that would be terrific as it will be very dark and I may well start to feel claustrophobic. I will also get hungry and it wouldn't be fair for me to have to miss my dinner. So what do you think? Pips? Pips? PIPS! PIPS! PIPS!
'George shut up! You do go on!'


Ms Fields can I ask you something?
'Of course'.
If I was to have an accident would you rescue me?
'What sort of accident?'
Just an accident.
'Of course I would George. If you were in trouble'.
Thank you Ms Fields.
'Are you in trouble?'
Would you call the emergency services?
'If it was necesary. It depends what sort of accident you're talking about. What are you doing?'
I'm digging a tunnel that is going to be so deep that there is a good chance it will collapse behind me.
'Why are you doing that?'
When it does I want you to alert Pips and Elliot to call the emergency services to rescue me. You might want to suggest that they rescue me in a capsule. Also if you could call all the news channels that would be smashing so that the 'Rescue of George' can be watched all over the globe. And all the peoples of the world will unite behind the rescue effort and be inspired by my story of bravery and courage in the face of disaster.
'Well not if you've created the disaster in the first place'.
And there will be an outpouring of spontaneous emotion in these dark economic times.
'What for?'
For a new world hero!
'But there's nothing heroic about doing something stupid. I don't mean to be rude George but they may just think you're a bit of an idiot'.


'George don't you want to join me on the bed?'
No Pips I would rather stay in my bookcase this evening.
'It's not like you to be so unsociable. Are you OK?'.
Ruthie is a hard woman Pips, and so are you. And I feel discouraged, yes I do, because neither of you has any sense of adventure. You're both happy to sit on the sidelines and let the action happen to everyone else because you have no idea what it means to be involved. And after today I have decided that I prefer the company of those who can be enthusiastic about my plans. So I am going to sit here and talk to myself. So there.

Hundred and Thirty One

Pips why do you have to read every newspaper you come across? Reading is so boring for everyone else it really is. What am I supposed to do while you've got your head in the pages? Talk to myself?
'George! Oh my God!'
What?
'Battersea Dogs Home is having an Open Day this weekend'.
No!
'It's celebrating it's 150th birthday! We should go along. We might see some of your old friends'.
I only had two friends Pips and I don't think I told you that as I left I heard Scruff say to Bailey that the only reason they had found a home for me was because I was small which was not nice so/
'And we could see if that nice woman who I dealt with when I was getting you is still there'.
That was Wendy/
'She might remember you'.
in re-homing.
'And be curious to see how you've got on'.
I didn't say goodbye to her Pips, do you remember? Because I had made a point of telling her that I didn't want to be re-homed with another couple, especially after I ended up in the spaghetti bolognaise with Steve and Debs, and then you turned up with Abbie and I thought you were a couple too and I wasn't happy. I wasn't happy at all.
'Look George. It says 'Free cake and souvenir doggy bags containing wallets, notepads and other memorabilia will be handed out'. We could get a free notebook or wallet/'
What use would I have for those Pips?
'Do you want to go George?'
It is true that Wendy may be interested to know that I now work full-time in an office and have even been Stationery Manager.
'Gosh, did you know that Battersea gets through 100 tins of dog food a day?'
Although I could also tell her that working in an office is an underwhelming experience to say the least as my many talents remain unrecogised and unencouraged because we work for a tosser.
'And it uses more than 235,000 poo bags'.
And that the highlight of my day is going into his office when he isn't there and farting in his chair.
'Eeugh!'
And that I say 'Take that you tosspot' and it gives me the greatest pleasure it really does.
'Oh hang on George. What date is this paper?'
What/
'Oh shit! This is last Friday's paper. Oh no! The Open Day was last weekend. We've missed it'.
Well that's terrific Pips it really is. That is TERRIFIC! I haven't given a single thought to Wendy since the day I left until just now when you mention her in relation to the Open Day and I start to feel a touch of nostalgia for my Battersea days, yes I do, so that I am imagining telling her all about my new life and now you say that the Open Day has been and gone. How am I supposed to come to terms with that on an average Friday evening on the way home from Sainsburys? Tell me that.
'What a shame George'.
And whatsmore we've missed out on the free cake and other assorted memorabilia. That makes me so cross/
'Oh look George. Your girlfriend's coming'.
Who/
'Hi Ruthie!'
That's all I need. MS FIELDS IS NOT MY GIRLFRIEND!