Hundred and Thirty Two

Pips? Pips? Pips? PIPS! PIPS! PIPS!
'What's the matter George?'
I've been thinking and I've come up with a brilliant money-spinning idea which means that we will never have to work again. 'What is it George?' you ask. Well Pips it is very simple. I am going to dig a tunnel deep under the gardens - which is not so special in itself as I am an excellent digger as you know. But wait. The brilliant part of it is that I will dig so deep that the tunnel will collapse behind me. When it does, you will call the emergency services to organise a major operation to rescue me - preferably in a capsule with some free sunglasses thrown in - and if you could arrange for David Cameron to be rallying the crowd and waiting to greet me at the surface that would be terrific. I will be hailed as a hero, which is a role I feel would suit me very well, and as a result of my new status we will be able to sell my story of being buried underground for huge sums of money. And that's not all. We will also be able to sell the film rights to Hollywood which means we will never have to work again - for a tosser or anybody! What do you think? Pips? PIPS? PIPS! PIPS!
'Sssh! What is it?'
There is just one thing. I don't feel like being down there for a long time so if you could rescue me quickly that would be good. In fact if you could start rescuing me immediately that would be terrific as it will be very dark and I may well start to feel claustrophobic. I will also get hungry and it wouldn't be fair for me to have to miss my dinner. So what do you think? Pips? Pips? PIPS! PIPS! PIPS!
'George shut up! You do go on!'


Ms Fields can I ask you something?
'Of course'.
If I was to have an accident would you rescue me?
'What sort of accident?'
Just an accident.
'Of course I would George. If you were in trouble'.
Thank you Ms Fields.
'Are you in trouble?'
Would you call the emergency services?
'If it was necesary. It depends what sort of accident you're talking about. What are you doing?'
I'm digging a tunnel that is going to be so deep that there is a good chance it will collapse behind me.
'Why are you doing that?'
When it does I want you to alert Pips and Elliot to call the emergency services to rescue me. You might want to suggest that they rescue me in a capsule. Also if you could call all the news channels that would be smashing so that the 'Rescue of George' can be watched all over the globe. And all the peoples of the world will unite behind the rescue effort and be inspired by my story of bravery and courage in the face of disaster.
'Well not if you've created the disaster in the first place'.
And there will be an outpouring of spontaneous emotion in these dark economic times.
'What for?'
For a new world hero!
'But there's nothing heroic about doing something stupid. I don't mean to be rude George but they may just think you're a bit of an idiot'.


'George don't you want to join me on the bed?'
No Pips I would rather stay in my bookcase this evening.
'It's not like you to be so unsociable. Are you OK?'.
Ruthie is a hard woman Pips, and so are you. And I feel discouraged, yes I do, because neither of you has any sense of adventure. You're both happy to sit on the sidelines and let the action happen to everyone else because you have no idea what it means to be involved. And after today I have decided that I prefer the company of those who can be enthusiastic about my plans. So I am going to sit here and talk to myself. So there.