Hundred and Three

It's about restructuring Nadine. Simon doesn't understand what it means but he likes to use long words because he thinks it makes him sound professional. By the way it is true that I ran off on Hampstead Heath last weekend but what Pips didn't tell you is that it was because I saw a lovely girl and Pips would have done the same if she had seen someone she liked. And OK, so the lovely girl turned out to be a lovely boy but how was I to know from a distance? We can all make mistakes. Pips is very judgemental she really is. Not like you Nadine. By the way I like your new shoes, they are very glamorous. Pips doesn't like glam/ oh hello Pips.
'Here you are George'.
Here I am Pips.
'Come here. I don't want you wandering around while Simon is speaking'.
I'm not wandering Pips, I am talking to Nadine. No don't pick me up DON'T PICK ME UP PIPS!
'Sssh sssh'.
'OK if everyone's here.. is Judith...? Yes OK... then I think we'll get started'.
We'll finish our conversation later Nadine/
'Can everyone listen up!'
after our fuhrer has finished speaking.
'As you all know, the current economic situation is affecting everyone and in terms of this company it has meant less orders coming in and so, in short, less business. As a result we are going to be doing some restructuring of the company/'
You see Nadine? Restructuring is his favourite word.
'which will necessitate some redundancies'.
'Oh shit'.
'Yes Philippa?'
'Nothing Simon, I was just.... nothing'.
Don't worry Pips. He can't get rid of you. How would he manage? This place wouldn't function without him. I mean you. Wouldn't function without you Pips.
'But we will be acting in accordance with proper procedures/'
I meant you Pips.
'and we will do our best to keep redundancies to a minimum-'
I really did.
'starting with dogs!'
I beg your pardon?
'Hear hear!'
What? Who said that?
'So over the next few weeks we will be meeting with you all individually/'
Someone said 'hear hear' Pips.
'to discuss how we see your future with the company'.
Who said 'hear hear'?
'This process will take a couple of weeks and then there will be a one month notice period for those we let go'.
Who said 'hear hear' at the idea of letting me go Pips?
'Have any of you got any questions?'
Yes WHICH ONE OF YOU TOSSERS SAID 'HEAR/'
'Not now George'.
'I see the sickbag is up in arms as usual. He's just realised he's not a member of a union!'
Pips get off/
'Too bad. No questions?'
YE/
'No George'.
'......... No? Well in that case I just want to make one brief personal announcement. On Valentine's Day I proposed to my girlfriend, Stephanie, and I'm engaged'.


'I can't believe he said that George. One moment he's announcing there are going to be redundancies and the next he's announcing his engagement'.
Well I can't believe what you did Pips. You have no right to shut my mouth and hold it shut. That is very naughty. Shame on you Pips, shame on you.
'What's wrong with the man?'
What's wrong with him Pips? What's wrong with you more like! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU! I am entitled to freedom of speech as much as anyone. Just because you all stand there and say nothing does not mean I have to. I'm going to tell Freddie what you did and he will be appalled he really will. And we may well decide to report you to the RSPCA. We may well Pips. And you can put me down now. I can get on the bus on my own.

Hundred and Two

'Look at the heath spreading out below us George'.
Higher and higher we go Pips. It's a terrific treat to come up here it really is. We should come here more often.
'I wish 14th February was always a Sunday. Then I'd never have to organise Simon's Valentine's Day for him/'
And arrange flowers.
'which is what I do every year'.
And book a restaurant.
'No wonder I always end up feeling rotten about myself'.
And it makes him look like he made an effort doesn't it Pips? When he didn't.
'And it's right that I should be doing something with you today anyway George as you're my Valentine. I love you more than I've loved any man and you've lasted longer than any of them too now'.
Have I really Pips?
'You're the longest lasting love of my life George'.
Well I am thrilled.
'I never thought I could love anyone as much as I love you. Although it's odd. Sometimes I wonder why I love you so much'.
I may be able to come up with a few suggestions on that front Pips. Could it be my irrepressible sense of humour perhaps? Or my unbeatable joie de vivre?
'Love is strange'.
Or could it be my admirable social skills in dealing with all sorts of people, including tossers, in many different situations both personal and professional?
'It's never how you think it's going to be'.
Or... Pips? Pips? Pips? PIPS? Could it be my love of fun? Although no wait, you are not such a lover of fun so maybe it is not something you appreciate. Perhaps it is my creative talents as expressed in poetry and song towards those I love?
'It's always sort of upside down and the wrong way round'.
Or... Pips? Pips? PIPS? PIPS!
'What George?'
Could it be my ability to chase and fetch at lightning speed? 'Lightning George' could be my nickname although it isn't. Or.. Pips? Pips? PIPS? PIPS! PIPS!
'Look George let's sit down on that bench over there'.
Could it be my love of participating? Some dogs sit on the sidelines of life but as you know it is very much my nature to be involved. To quote Simon after he read 'Management Today' that one time I am what they call a 'joiner'. Or Pips? Pips? PIPS? PIPS! PIPS! PIPS! PIPS!
'Sssh what's the matter?'
Could it be my naturally passionate and exuberant personality? You well know my passions for stationery, Renee Fleming, football and lovely girls - not necessarily in that ord/
'Here we are. Let's sit down on the bench a minute and look at the view'.
Or Pips? Pips? PIPS? PIPS! PIPS! PIPS! PIPS! PIPS! PIPS!
'Ssssh George! You're driving me mad. What's the matter? You see this is what I mean! You are totally the opposite of what I want or actually even need in my life! You have no idea how much hard work you are! You're demanding, temperamental, you misbehave at every opportunity so constantly getting me into trouble. You're always barking even though you know you're not supposed to. You won't go on a bus without a fight and you bite and snore and moult and pee on everything and do nothing but stress me out. I shouldn't love you at all and yet I do because I put up with all this nonsense. Why do I?'
Well that's nice I must say! I suppose you think you're easy to love do you? Well for your information you live in a tiny flat where there's no room to play rough and tumble not that you would anyway so it is nothing more than a distant memory. You don't even have a garden for me to play in. You moan and moan about not having a man in your life and how do you think that makes me feel? You get weepy for no reason and then you're moody and insist on taking the bus when we could JUST AS WELL WALK! You take me on one boring date after another while not wanting me to have any fun of my own so why do I love you Pips? Why do I love you actually?
'I suppose I love you because you're a dog. But that's probably unhealthy'.
What's unhealthy about it?
'But you do love me too don't you George?'
I do Pips, yes, but it is not easy. And what if I love you because I'm a dog? Does that make my love for you unhealthy?
'Why do you love me George? Oh I know. You just love me because I feed you and take you for walks'.
No Pips actually no. Well yes but no. Yes and no. Yes, because food and walks are very important but I have an appreciation of more than the superficial. Yes I do. And I think I love you most of all Pips because you're mine and I don't have to share you with anyone. Sharing is over-rated when it comes to love so if you could take yourself off the dating website and just stay single it would suit me very well. Oh look Pips, there's a very lovely girl running through the grass. Can you see her? I think she's coming towards us. Can you see? Doesn't she look terrific? I like the look of her I really do. In fact..
'George come back!'

Hundred and One

'George no! I don't want to have to pick you up every time. Come on'.
Just because the 38 is a double-decker now Pips does not mean we have to go on it EVERY DAY.
'You're filthy and you'll make my new coat mucky'.
Well if you had bought the black one you wouldn't notice if it got a bit dirty/
'Come on!'
but you had to insist on buying the pale blue one.
'Quickly George. Hurry up!'
I told you to buy the black one but oh no, don't mind me/
'That's it'.
No don't pick me up!
'We'll miss the bus George'.
PUT ME DOWN! PUT ME DOWN PIPS!
'You make me so cross'.
It's a shame we have to pay every time we go on the bus these days by the way. At least with the bendy buses we could get on the back door and we didn't have to. You always did but that was your fault. You shouldn't have paid Pips. It was the least we could not do when the MP's were busy ripping us off with their expense/
'OK George I'm putting you down. Oh no, look at my new coat!'
I'm going upstairs, I'm going upstairs/
'George don't pull. You're tripping people up... I'm sorry, my dog likes to be up...'
PIPS! There's someone in our seat. There's SOMEONE SITTING IN OUR SEAT!
'Ssssh. What's the matter?... No, let's sit behind'.
'It's OK love, I'm getting off at the next stop if you want to sit here'.
Yes we do want to sit here because it's our seat isn't it Pips?
'Really? OK thanks'.
You sit there Pips and I'LL SIT HERE!
'Stop barking on the bus George'.
Why are you whispering?
'We can't always sit at the front'.
But I need to see where we're going.
'Just behave. Ooops. OW! Shit! George?... Are you OK?..... George?'


'Philippa I need to call a meeting for the whole office'.
'Right'.
'Can you find out when Jason's free and set a date? What's wrong with the sickbag this morning? Not like him to be asleep in his basket'.
'We were coming in on the bus and we were sitting on the top at the front and it stopped suddenly and/'
'Oh no don't tell me. The sickbag was thrown forward and smacked into the glass!'
'Well it wasn't/'
'Hey sickbag! Did you end up on the floor? Fantastic! I can see it now. It's probably his favourite seat too. Top front - so he can see what's going on - and you're cruising along nicely and suddenly.... WHAM!'
'No it/'
'No wonder his nose is looking a bit put out of joint. Probably is'.
'Really? Does it...?'
'Yeah. It's got a kink to the right'.
'Has it?'
'Yeah. Can't you see it?'
'Not....'.
'Yeah it goes straight and then sort of turns right'.
'I can't.../'.
'Well, love is blind as they say. Anyway so can we set a date for this meeting sometime in the next couple of weeks?'
'What's it about? Does Jason...?'
'Restructuring'.
'Oh'.
'Of the company. Not the sickbag's nose!'
Very fuddy Sibod. I ab dot asleep ad by dose is a bit dumb that is all. Ad you can't restructure a combady that has ndo structure in the first place you tosser.