Hundred and Thirty

'Whoever's heard of anyone delaying their wedding George. He means they've cancelled it. I might have known. Every time Simon goes on holiday with a girlfriend it's the beginning of the end of the relationship'.
She realised she was about to marry a tosser, didn't she Pips?
'So when he was being mean about you, as usual, and said you were walking as though you'd just got off a horse/'
He said that?
'I took great delight in telling him that you have a girlfriend now'.
Girlfriend? I don't have a girlfriend.
'I said 'she's a Cairn terrier called Ruthie Fields'/
Ms Fields? She's not my girlfriend!
'and that you play together in the gardens'.
But I haven't played with her Pips. What are you talking about?
'He doesn't need to know that you got your injury showing off to her'.
FIRSTLY RUTHIE FIELDS IS NOT MY GIRLFRIEND!
'I know George. She's lovely/'
AND SECONDLY I WAS NOT SHOWING OFF! I was showing her how fast I can run and fetch/
'Don't snap at me like that'.
'and how high I can jump. That is different'.
'What? What's the matter?'
It doesn't mean SHE IS MY GIRLFRIEND!
'Sssh! And don't just stand there George or we'll miss Elliot and Ruthie. Don't be difficult'.
I'm not being difficult Pips. SHE IS NOT MY GIRLFRIEND!
'Do you want me to carry you?'
I don't believe this.
'Do you?'
It's unbelievable it really is.
'OK I'm carrying you'.
And you know what the worst part of it is - OW! CAREFUL! CAREFUL!
'Sssh I know, your ribs still hurt'.
The worst part of it is that you can get me so wrong. It shows you have no understanding of me at all. None at all when you have not the slightest idea of MY TYPE OF GIRL!
'You do make a fuss about everything George'.
And how long have I been living with you now?
'Why do you have to make an issue out of a simple thing like a walk to the gardens?'
It's a disappointment to me it really is.
'Sometimes I wonder why I got you George when you make my life so bloody complicated'.
Up yours Pips.

Hundred and Twenty Nine

Freddie says it was - ow! - a joke but I don't wear - ow!- shoes so it's not - eeh! ow! - funny. Is it Pips?
'George you're making some extraordinary noises'.
Because I've told you a hundred times it hurts to walk Pips. You have no - ow! eeh! - idea. Not that you care be-ow!ooh!eeh!-cause all you're worried about is how much a trip - ow! - to the vet costs.
'Simon's back from holiday today George/'
Why can't we catch the bus again?
'which means he'll probably be in a foul mood/'
Well at least he's had a holiday so we're not going to fee- eeh!-eel - ow! - sorry for him are we Pips?
'So don't rise to him OK? Just ignore him if he starts being unreasonable. Pretend you didn't hear him'.
I do that anyway Pi - OW!
'It's OK George. We'll catch the bus into work'.


'Hi Simon. Welcome back. How were the Seychelles?'
'Fine fine. Um, Philippa can I have a word with you in my office?'
'Of course. What, now?'
'It'll only take a second. You can leave the sickbag outside'.
That's how I prefer it Simon. To see you but not hear your/
'And close the door behind you'.


'Take a seat Philippa'.
'Thanks'.
'How're things?'
'Fine. I think everything's under control...'
'Good. Listen. Steph and I are delaying the wedding'.
'Oh!'
'Just.. family..stuff...'
'Right'.
'So er, as far as my diary is concerned you can schedule stuff all the way through until Christmas now'.
'OK'.
'That's all'.
'Right. Well/'
'I'd be grateful if you kept this to yourself for the time-being. I mean obviously I'll be telling Jason but/ what's wrong with the sickbag?'
'What do you mean?'
'He's walking very .... he's got a strange gait'.
'Really?'
'Yes look at him'.
'I don't think/'
'Oh come on Philippa. He looks like he's just got off a horse. What's all that about?'
'I hadn't noticed'.
'Either that or...'
'What are you doing?'
'I'm getting him in here. Hey sickbag!'
'He can't hear you'.
'He will now. HEY! SICKBAG! WHAT'S WITH THE FUNNY WALK? GOT A FULL BLADDER?'
'Don't../'
'I think he needs to go out Philippa'.
'No he doesn't'.
'How do you know?'

Hundred and Twenty Eight

Pips can you pass me my food?
'So two hours, a couple of X-rays and over a £100 later they tell me they can't do anything and that he just needs to have some gentle exercise/'
Pips? Can you bring my bowl over to the bed?
'and take it easy which he's taken a little too literally'.
Pips? And I'm thirsty too.
'He's currently lying on the bed with his head propped up on my pillow looking really pathetic'.
Because it hurts Pips, it really hurts. Pips? That's the doorbell. Can you get it?
'Laura I have to go. There's someone at the door'.


'George? Terry and Freddie have come to see you'.
'Hey! How's the patient?'
'Well as you can see, he's in bed'.
'Hi George. How are you?'
I can't move Freddie.
'Let's have a look at him'.
'Careful Terry, he's a bit sensitive about being touched at the moment'.
'So it's a couple of cracked ribs?'
'Yes. And they have to heal by themselves apparently. He's been on the bed all afternoon. I tried to take him out for a walk earlier and put the lead on him but he refused to move and I didn't want to pick him up as I think it hurts him so we've done nothing all day'.
'Well we've bought him a little present haven't we Freds?'
'Yes we've bought you a new bone George'.
'We thought it would give him something to do without requiring too much exertion in his fragile state'.
'You're being spoilt as usual George'.
Thanks Freddie. Terry if you can just lay it down beside me.
'But I'll take it because I don't want you slobbering all over my sheets George. If you want your bone you're going to have to get up off the bed'.
But Pips/
'I'll put it in your bookshelf'.
NO PIPS, I WANT IT HERE!
'Hey we saw Elliot and Ruthie Fields in the gardens earlier didn't we Freds?'
'Really? How are they?'
I WANT MY BONE!
'They're fine. They asked after George'.
'Yes they did George. Ruthie asked if you were OK and said she was thinking of you'.
I WANT MY BONE! GIVE ME MY NEW BONE!
'Elliot said he'd never seen a dog jump so high'.
'He's so lovely don't you think?'
What? Elliot said that?
'He did George'.
Really Freddie?
'Yes he really did George'.
Did you hear that Pips?
'So I said it's because of 'issues''.
'Terry don't! You're naughty'.
Issues? What issues?
'Don't worry George'.
What issues? What are they talking about Freddie?
'Nothing George. They're just mucking about'.
'OK well we'd better go Freds. It's time to get down the gym'.
'Right. Well thanks for stopping by'.
'No probs Philippa. Look after the patient'.
'I will do'.
Freddie what did he mean by issues?
'He said 'his shoes' George. That you were jumping so high because of your shoes'.
But I don't wear shoes.
'I know. It was a joke. That's all'.