Hundred and Four

She held my mouth shut Freddie. She did, I swear.
'That's not on George'.
I know. That's what I told her.
'Why did she do that?'
I don't know Freddie. There was no reason at all. None at all. Simon was announcing redundancies and then he announced his engagement but don't get Pips started on it or she'll never stop.
'You weren't interrupting or anything?'
No Freddie, honest, but he joked about getting rid of dogs first and someone said 'hear hear'. They did, I distinctly heard it. Can you believe it? And I wanted to know who it was that is all. I was only asking a question but they don't believe in asking questions in the office.
'They're probably worried about losing their jobs'.
But it would be terrific! There would be no more working for a tosser! I would be thrilled. How was your week Freddie?
'Not good George. Terry and Will had a huge row the other night and normally I sleep on the bed with them as you know but this time Terry told Will to sleep on the sofa so my loyalties were divided'.
That is terrible Freddie. What did you do?
'I was in bed with Terry until 3.15 and then I joined Will on the sofa for the rest of the night but I couldn't sleep'.
Of course you couldn't Freddie. It is not acceptable to be put in a predicament like that. You should have said 'Up yours' and refused to sleep with either of them. It is unforgiveable it really is.
'Things are getting worse between them George'.
That is couples for you Freddie. They are the reason I ended up in Battersea. Katie called Rupert an 'uptight English asshole' so he called her a 'neurotic American bitch' and that was just over breakfast. So Katie flew back to America and Rupert took me to Battersea. And when Steve was leaving Debs she threw all his stuff out the window so Steve threw Yours Truly at Debs saying 'An' you can keep the flippin' dog 'n all' which was when I landed in the spaghetti bolognese from the night before which Steve hadn't chucked away which was why they were arguing in the first place. And Debs was shouting 'Don't frow George at me when I'm holdin' the baby you fuckin' idiot' and so Steve drove off in the Nissan and that was the beginning of my going back to Battersea for the second time so don't tell me about couples, DON'T TELL ME! I have had it up to here with them I really have, I HAVE HAD IT UP TO HERE!


'How can you forget you're going out for a meal with your partner when you're the one who's booked it?'.
'Will booked the restaurant?'
'He was supposed to be making an effort after the last row and instead he forgets to turn up. I don't know, maybe he's met someone. He's distracted.... It's like he doesn't care about us anymore. I know we've been a bit bored of each other but.... that's life, isn't it? I mean I didn't think we were unhappy or anything. Anyway if he doesn't want to be with me anymore then he should tell me and..... go. He can take what he wants from the flat, I don't care, but he's not having Freddie'.
'................ It's starting to rain. Shall we go for a coffee? I'll treat you'.
'Thanks Philippa. Where are the dogs?'
'George?'
'Freddie? Freds?'


They're calling us. Let's hide Freddie.
'Good idea George'.
Come behind this tree. Just.... here. No wait...... here...... No wait...... here.
'Are you sure you can't be seen there George?'
Positive Freddie. This is good. They'll think we've run away which is what they deserve right now.


'George? Where are you?'
'Come on Freds, we're getting wet. Philippa is taking us for a coffee'.
'I know where they are. I can see George's bottom sticking out from behind that tree'.
'Are they hiding from us?'
'I can see you George!'
That's it Freddie, I'm fed up with both of them I really am. YES WE WERE HIDING FROM YOU AND IT'S THE MOST FUN FREDDIE HAS HAD ALL WEEK AND YOU'VE JUST RUINED IT! YOU'VE RUINED IT PIPS!
'Sssh George. Come on, we're going'.
And I'll tell you something else. We're not going for coffee are we Freddie? No, we like the rain and we're staying RIGHT HERE IN THE GARDENS!
'Come on George. Don't be naughty'.
'Why not? Give us one reason to be good Pips. After yours and Terry's behaviour this week it is the least you can do. The very least.
'Quickly Freds! It's pouring'.
'No don't lie down George. What's the matter?'
I'm waiting. We're waiting aren't we Freddie?
'Yes, we are. We're waiting'.