Fifty Nine

‘What a beautiful morning. I could sit here in the sun all day, couldn’t you? It makes me impatient for summer’.
‘I know. Will and I started talking about holidays over breakfast’.
‘Really? Where are you going?’
‘We haven’t decided yet. We never do. He likes Spain but I prefer Italy so we never make a decision until the last minute by which time all the cheap fares have gone so then we have a row about it. Usual thing’.
‘Who looks after Freddie when you go away?’
‘Oh he comes with us. He’s been chipped and got his passport and everything. He loves travelling. Gets really over-excited at the sight of luggage in the hall’.
‘You don’t find it too difficult with him? I mean he’s well-behaved is he?’
‘Yes. I mean I don’t let him off the lead when we’re abroad – but apart from that… yeah’.
‘My God this is only the third or fourth time I’ve dared to let George off the lead in his own street! And that’s only because you and Freddie are here and I don’t think he’d run off while Freddie is around but……. I’d really love a holiday’.
‘Just get him chipped. It’s easy. And quite a few hotels take dogs now’.
‘So where have you been with Freddie?’
‘We went to Prague a year ago. And he’s been to Majorca and… where else…? Oh yes. Rome. Where he fell in the Trevi Fountain – that was a bit of a Fellini moment wasn’t it Freddie? Hey Freds! There was no stopping your inner Anita Ekberg from bursting out was there?.... He’s ignoring me’.


‘Pretend you can’t hear them George’.
I will Freddie. Watch this.
‘What?’
This. It’s what I do when I’ve had enough of Pips.
‘Turn your back on her?’
Yes. And I say ‘talk to the arse’ which she usually does because she’s lonely.
‘That’s not very mature George’.
I think maturity is overrated Freddie.
‘Yes I’m beginning to see that’.
So what do you think about stationery then? Do you think there is a future in it for me?
‘Well…..’
Because, as you have heard, I am really very fond of it.
‘Yes I’ve heard George. Is there an opening in the stationery department in your office then?’
There’s not a stationery department as such Freddie but Nadine is in charge of the stationery ordering and every time she has to order something I have noticed that she calls it ‘fucking stationery’. So I think there would be no opposition from her to my taking a more active role as far as the stationery ordering is concerned and generally making a useful contribution which is something I am very good at although I don’t like to boast.
‘Hey you’ve been to Barcelona haven’t you Freddie? I forgot he’d been there. Would you recommend Barrthelona to George, Freds?’
‘The trouble with people, George, is that they think everything revolves around them’.
It doesn’t Freddie.
‘No I know that but they don’t know that. They don’t understand that there are times, and Sunday mornings are one of them, when we like to be left alone to do our own things, whatever they are, in our own time’.
At this time of year I particularly like to smell the crocuses coming up Freddie, and the daffodils as they open……. which reminds me. Now that Spring is in the air do you know of any lovely girls in the neighbourhood who might take a fancy to Yours Truly?
‘Have you met Molly, the cocker spaniel?’
I don’t like her. She always gives me a funny look.
‘Funny in what way?’
She makes me feel insecure.
‘But she’s a nice girl George’.
She makes me feel insecure Freddie she makes me feel insecure!
‘OK OK. Well let me see. There’s the new girl in the street, Princess, the Pomeranian. I’ve only met her once though so I don’t/’.
Oh I think I’ve seen her from the window Freddie! She’s terrific!
‘She’s more your type is she?’
She is Freddie, yes.
‘She looks as though she could be a bit high-maintenance George’.
I don’t mind Freddie as long as she enjoys a bit of fun.
‘What if she’s too busy thinking about herself to be any fun?’
I think she may change her mind when she meets me Freddie.
‘Right George. I see where you’re coming from now. Just keep away from Biscuit, the Yorkshire Terrier, because I have a soft spot for her and am in the middle of delicate operations to win her over’.
All right Freddie.
‘Promise me you won’t touch her George’.
I promise. As long as you promise to stay away from a lovely girl called Daffodil I met in Regent’s Park last year who was going to be the mother of my children.
‘OK Freddie? Come on. Let’s go. We’ve got things to do today’.
‘Come here George, we’re going. And guess what. I’ve decided to get you chipped’.
!!! NO DON’T SNIP ME DON’T SNIP ME PIPS DON’T SNIP ME/
‘George she said chipped’.
DO NOT SNIP ME! I DO NOT WANT TO BE SNIPPED!
‘George! Come back……. ’