Ninety Six

‘No I didn’t’.
Yes you did.
‘No I didn’t’.
YES YOU DID.
‘George leave the cat alone’.
But it’s on my path.
‘It’s not your path you little mongrel’.
I AM NOT A MONGREL!
‘George stop snapping at the cat. Come on’.
But it stuck its tongue out at me.
‘No I didn’t’.
Yes you did.
‘George come on’.
It did Pips.
‘Or we’ll be catching the bus to work and you know how overjoyed you’ll be then’.
I don’t mind being late for work Pips. And I am not taking public transport this year in case you’ve forgotten which brings me back to Paris. Why can we not fly there? There really is no need to take the Eurostar. None at all.


‘He’s a playboy!’
‘Hi Philippa, I’m back. Talking about me again?’
No Simon but she could have been you tosser.
‘Bloody awful meeting. Who are you on the phone to?’
‘Mahinder’.
No she’s not. She’s on the phone to Eurostar. We are thinking of going to Paris for the weekend so there.
‘I’ll be in my office. Just got to make a call’.
We don’t care what you’re doing Simon actually, do we Pips?
‘I’m just going to close the door’.
‘OK....... We know what that means don’t we George?’
He’ll be calling Stephie.
‘He’s calling Stephanie’.
He’ll be talking dirty won’t he Pips?
‘For God’s sake how much longer am I going to have to/ Hello?....’
Have you got through?
‘Hello?....... Oh. I thought for a moment I had got through to someone. Anyway what was I saying? Oh yes. I mean he hasn’t been President for two minutes. Don’t tell me he’s got his mind on the job’.
I wouldn’t have my mind on the job if I had met the very lovely Carla.
‘He’s ruined his reputation before he’s made it’.
Only with you Pips because you’re bitter about these sorts of things.
‘He’s barely divorced his wife! He’s behaving like an adolescent. A teenager is running France! Hello? Oh hello. Sorry, I didn’t realise...
I just want to know if I can take my dog on the Eurostar ......... Yes I do still want to go there despite that.....’.
I’ve been chipped and I have a passport and a special travelling crate which is a bit small but/
‘Really? Why is that?’
Why is what Pips?
‘Right. Is that likely to change or.....? No. OK well... No, no that’s all. Yes. Thanks. Bye......... I can’t take you on the Eurostar George. Dogs aren’t allowed’.
Why not?
‘Philippa?’
We’re busy Simon. With very much more important things than you and I thought you were calling Stephanie.
‘Any ideas what I can get Steph for Valentine’s Day?’
‘You could get her an engagement ring’.


‘It just came out George’.
Why won’t they allow me on the Eurostar Pips?
‘I can’t believe I said it’.
It is blatant discrimination.
‘I must be more horrible than I thought’.
We will just have to fly to Paris now.
‘I’m becoming nasty and facetious about other people’s relationships...’.
At least it means I won’t need to disappoint myself by breaking my New Year’s resolution/
‘I don’t want to be reminded about Valentine’s Day’.
so I am thrilled.
‘I hate it. OK George it’s starting to rain. I don’t want an argument, we’re catching the bus home’.
But Pips/
‘And I’m carrying you so/’
PIPS NO! NO PIPS! I HAVE MADE A NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION!
‘You can make as much noise as you want but/’
PUT ME DOWN PIPS!
‘George you’re scratching me!’
PUT ME DOWN PIPS PUT ME DOWN!
‘George...? Right that’s it!.... GEORGE SHUT UP! I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR TANTRUMS EVERY TIME WE CATCH A BUS. YOU HEAR ME? ENOUGH! THAT’S ENOUGH! I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN AND I DONT CARE HOW MUCH YOU HATE THE BUS. OK? I DON’T CARE! IT’S BEEN A SHITTY DAY AND I WANT TO GET HOME SO WE ARE GETTING ON THIS BLOODY BUS AND THAT’S THAT!’
OK Pips.


Pips? May I make a suggestion?..... No. OK then.