Ninety Seven

Dear Mariella

I have been living with Pips now for over two years and she has been very good to me generally despite the fact that I have to go into work with her every day and she works for a tosser but that is not her fault. However I made it very clear to her on the day we met, when she took me home, that I do not wish to travel on public transport. Despite this, she refuses to listen to me and on January 1st this year I felt it necessary to make just one very important New Year’s Resolution which was to not travel on public transport this year as I have had enough of it, I really have. The bendy buses in particular make me feel sick especially as there are not enough seats so we usually have to stand. But Pips insists on taking them and the other day she lost her temper with me Mariella. She picked me up, told me to shut up and yelled ‘I don’t care if you hate going on the bloody bus because we are getting on it and that is that!’ And then she shoved me under her arm like a cheap package and squeezed me so hard that I was unable to argue. She had been in a bad mood all afternoon since The Tosspot mentioned Valentine’s Day. Pips would very much like a boyfriend you see and just the mention of Valentine’s Day makes her depressed and angry. A little while ago she put herself on a dating website and she has had a few dates but they have all been tossers also. She has always made it clear to me that I am not a substitute for a partner which I find upsetting actually as she uses it to undermine me but the point is, as you can see, she is now taking her frustration out on me which is not fair. I would very much appreciate your advice Mariella, I really would.

Yours, George

PS. I am a dog.

Dear George

What an enterprising little dog you are! It is certainly not every day that I receive a letter from one of our canine friends and your concern for your owner (I am presuming Pips is your owner) is touching. It is a shame then that I struggle to sympathise with your situation. You don’t explain your aversion to public transport – apart from to mention that you often have to stand on the bus and the bendy buses make you feel sick. Join the club my friend! Millions of people travel by, and depend on, public transport every day and though it certainly has its shortcomings I can’t help wondering what makes you so special as to think that you can avoid it. The world does not revolve around you and your likes and dislikes! If I had a pound for every time I had to do something I didn’t particularly like I would be a rich woman by now and not writing this column every week. We all have to make compromises when we share our lives with others. It is understanding the necessity of this compromise that helps us to develop and mature as individuals. It seems to me that Pips has enough on her plate as a single working woman with a (perhaps) difficult boss without dealing with a tricksy little dog who makes a fuss over something as trivial as travelling by bus. When there are serious problems in the world demanding our urgent attention – climate change, poverty, AIDS, - to name but a few, I’m afraid I find your attitude spoilt and rather precious. Of course you are not a substitute for a partner (heaven forbid!) but I am very pleased to hear that Pips is actively taking the initiative to find that special person – as much to help her deal with you as anything else. Which brings me on to your infantile dismissal of everyone else in her life as a tosser. We would all like to get along with the partners of our friends and loved ones, as well as our bosses and everyone else, but disappointingly this cannot always be the case. Her boss may indeed be a tosser as may all her dates (although I rather doubt it) but whether you choose to support her in her search or not, her choice of partner is precisely that – her choice. One can only hope that her search is successful and leads her to find someone more mature and supportive than you.


Dear Mariella

I have thought about your response to my letter and I think you have a problem.

Yours, George

PS: I would be grateful if you would not refer to me as your friend because I am not.
‘George?’
Go away Mariella go away!
‘George wake up!’
I’m not listening!
‘We’ve got to get to Tesco’s before it closes’.
Pips?.... PIPS!
‘You were twitching in your sleep. Were you dreaming?’