Ninety Eight

‘Why is she in a bad mood?’
Because Sarkozy married Carla. Other people’s happiness makes her unhappy. Freddie look at me! Look what I can do!
‘What?’
Watch.....
‘We can all dig up a flowerbed George’.
No wait. I haven’t finished................. See? I can dig up bulbs Freddie. Let me just..... come on.... it’s coming now........ There!
‘What about the flowers?’
What flowers? They don’t mind. They haven’t come up yet. Look. I can dig up another one.
‘Careful George, you’ll get a smacked bottom’.
No I won’t. Pips doesn’t smack me. She never does. She shouts at me sometimes but that’s just because she is fed up with her single life and I am not a substitute for a man.
‘Pips might not smack you George but Terry will if he sees you. He is very fond of horticulture and he doesn’t like it when plants are ruin/
‘Oh no George no! How many times have I told you not to dig up
bulbs?’
Quite a few Pips but/
‘This is his latest game Terry...’
‘Hey! George! Stop that NOW!’
‘Uh oh. Terry’s coming over George’.
Hello Terry. Have you had the lowdown on the lovely Carla’s marriage/
‘Philippa has told you ‘no’’.
‘About a hundred times! He understands me perfectly well, I know he does’.
Yes I do but... no no don’t Terry!/ OW! OWOW!


That was naughty Terry. You should have let me explain myself before you smacked me besides which you shouldn’t blame others for things that are your own fault. You know very well Pips that when I am bored I get the urge to be destructive. I cannot help it. It is in my nature in the same way that it is in your nature Terry to fancy Will so I should not be punished for something that comes quite naturally to me and in fact is an automatic response to not being entertained or kept busy enough by you. You put my ball in your coat pocket this morning Pips saying ‘we’ll play your favourite game George’. That’s what you said. So I told Freddie when we met that we would be playing ‘Fetch’ this morning and he was very excited by the prospect. But did we? My arse! After a promise like that the least you could have done was throw the ball a couple of times just to show us that you still care. But no, that is too much for you right now because you’re more interested in President Sarkozy’s relationship with the lovely Carla which Freddie, incidentally, is also not interested in either, are you Freddie? No. But don’t mind us, oh no. We ask you politely but you sit there ignoring us on our first sunny Sunday morning in the gardens for ages/
‘Someone has put a lot of time and effort into planting out those beds George’.
‘So now you know what happens if you start digging them up in front of Terry, George’.
I am not interested in being preached at Pips if you don’t mind.
‘That’s why Freddie is so well-behaved. Because he has been brought up properly. Perhaps I’ve been too soft on you/’
‘Yes you have Philippa. You can’t let him dig up flowerbeds’.
And I don’t need to listen to you Terry I really don’t/
‘I try to tell him off’.
You’re not my owner so you should mind your own business.
‘Well we’ll see if a smacked bottom leaves any impression on his behaviour’.
Not really Terry because you more or less missed me actually so it hardly hurt at all. Hardly at all. It didn’t Pips. Honestly.