Seventy Seven

‘A computer for an hour please’.
‘Sure. You want any drinks?’
‘No I’m fine’.
‘That’s £1. You sit where you want’.
‘Yes I know. Thanks’.
‘You must leave the dog outside please’.
‘Oh no. Really? I’ve never had to leave him outside before. He’ll just sit quietly’.
‘You come here before?’
‘I’ve been here quite a few times, yes. The guy who is usually here allows him to come inside’.
‘OK then. As long as he not disturb the other customers’.


‘OK George. This is exciting. Let’s see if we can find someone I might like to go out on a date with’.
Why are you whispering Pips?
‘Let’s see….. maybe someone has responded to my profile ………. OK so what was my password?’
George.
‘I’ve forgotten what my bloody password is George. George! It was George.……. OK so there we go……………… Right. Oh look! I’ve got three messages. Well that’s something……….. How do I look at them? Oh I see. Here we go….. No George get down. I can’t see the screen’.
He looks a tosser Pips.
‘Look I’ll pull up a chair for you so you can sit next to me. There we go. It’s coming to pieces a bit but…. sit down there. That’s it. I can’t see anything if you’re up on the table blocking the screen. OK, so… …Oh. He calls himself ‘Loverboy’’.
Told you he’s a tosser Pips.
‘OK well… let’s try not to be judgmental’.
Why not? HE’S A TOSSER!
‘Sssh George! Or we’ll be thrown out’.
Why are you whispering Pips?
‘Let’s read what he says. He may have something interesting to say about himself……’
He looks like Steve when we used to go to the pub. ‘Ere we go ‘ere we go ‘ere we go-o…..
‘He says he likes drinking and pubs – I think we’ve got that message from the beer glass in his hand don’t you? – and parties and clubbing…..oh no he’s not right at all’.
What did I tell you Pips? What did I tell you?
‘Why on earth did he contact me? OK well let’s forget about him…. What about the next guy?......................’
He looks a tosser Pips.
‘………..this one…….. lives in Stoke on Trent. Great. Did he not see on my profile that I live in London? OK forget him. ...... I’m not carting you around on trains every weekend to Stoke on Trent wherever it is….. Now what about this one?............ Oh now he looks nice George! I like the look of him. Let’s see what he has to say about himself…………… he’s done lots of travelling. It says he’s travelled around India and South America ‘the highlight of which was whale-watching off Patagonia…..’ Mm. He sounds interesting don’t you think? He says he plays guitar ‘not very well’…… and he likes cooking………. Oh no, he’s allergic to dogs!’
That’s because he’s a tosser.
‘But I like the sound of him. George can you not bite the chair. Sit still and concentrate. You’re supposed to be helping me’.
He’s a tosser and he’s got issues Pips.
‘Isn’t that ironic? The one I think looks and sounds the most interesting is allergic to you’.
That’s because he’s got issues he’s got issues he’s got issues he’s got iss/
‘George stop biting the chair! The guy at the door is watching you so behave. I could write to him and say that I am very committed to you and…… oh bloody hell what shall I say?’
Don’t say anything to him Pips. He’s got problems.
‘OK I’m just going to write ‘Dear Ben – at least he doesn’t call himself Loverboy…. Thank you for writing to me. I had a look at your profile and I think you sound interesting……… oh what do people write in these things? George leave the chair alone! OK I’m getting stressed now. I don’t know what to say. Abbie mentioned something about being able to put someone on my favourites….how do I…? OK I see it. Click here. There we go. I’ll come back to him later. Let’s look through some profiles and see if there’s someone who isn’t allergic to you ……….’
Stop STOP! Look at that one Pips!
‘George get down! Will you stay on the chair! Stay on the chair and stop wrecking it. Oh hang on, look at this guy. He’s got a dog with him in his picture!’
Yes and she looks a very lovely girl if I might say so.
‘This is promising’.
Write to him and ask if he will meet up with us this week and bring her along. I would like that very much.
‘Let’s see what he says….…… he likes football…….ok, well that’s not the end of the world…’
Except that you hate it Pips. You can’t stand it.
‘It says he’s a lawyer……….and that he likes keeping fit ‘I go to the gym four or five times a week……….. my ideal woman would be a cross between Cameron Diaz and Angelina Jolie’. OH FOR GOD’S SAKE!’
What Pips?
‘How can someone write that? I cannot believe someone can write that in their profile!’
I don’t see what’s wrong with it. Cameron and Angelina are very pretty girls.
‘What an idiotic thing to write. That is it George. I’ve had enough for one evening. That really pisses me off. We’re going home’.
But Pi/
‘What a tosser’.