Ninety Four

‘Happy Christmas Philippa!’
‘Happy Christmas Terry’.
‘Happy Christmas Will’.
‘Happy Christmas Abbie’.
Happy Christmas Freddie.
‘Happy Christmas George. I like your bow. It looks very smart’.
Thank you Freddie. Pips made it for me. We have one for you too. It is stripy though as I thought you would prefer stripes....


‘OK shall we play that game?’
A game?
‘What game?’
That would be terrific Will. I very much like games. I really do.
‘I’ll get it’.
‘What game is that?’
‘Abbie wasn’t here when you showed us. It’s a game called/’
‘Sssh Philippa! Not in front of Freddie and George’.
‘OK well.... Will found this... game in a shop in Islington the other day to play with George and Freddie’.
‘Yes but they have to go outside for five minutes. Come on Freds. George, you too. Outside’.
Coming Terry, we’re coming. Come on Freddie.
‘I know what game they’re talking about George and I don’t think it’s a game we really want to play’.


‘Are they OK outside?’
‘I’ve tied them to the banisters in the hall. They’ll be fine’.
‘So what’s this game?’
‘Here’.
‘How Smart is your Dog?’
‘It’s a series of intelligence tests to try out on your dog to test his canine IQ’.
‘Oh Philippa that’s mean!’
‘Why? It’ll be fun. They won’t know any better’.


‘It’s called How Smart is your Dog? George. Will bought it the other day when I was with him. They are testing our intelligence’.
They wouldn’t do that sort of thing to us Freddie. Pips wouldn’t do it to me. She loves me for who I am, not for intelligence.
‘It is George. I swear. Terry thinks it’s hilarious’.
I don’t believe you Freddie.
‘I’m telling you George’.


‘OK. So Test 1: Attention and Environmental Learning:- While your dog is out of the house rearrange the furniture in a room that is familiar to the dog... or create any other obvious disturbances of the usual pattern of furniture placement. Try to make sure that at least 5 things are obviously different in the room. Then bring the dog into the room and with the enclosed stopwatch start timing your dog’s reaction. If your dog notices something wrong within 15 seconds score 5. If he notices the differences and checks any one of them within 15 – 20 seconds score 4, if he does so in 30 – 60 seconds score 3..... and so on but we won’t need to go there because Freddie, for one, will not be needing extra time. I can’t speak for George’.
‘Hey George will do just fine!’
‘OK so let’s rearrange the furniture’.
‘Shouldn’t we turn the music up so they won’t hear us moving it...?’
‘Abbie you move the bin. Terry and I will move the sofa. And Philippa...’
‘I’ll move your very chic floor lamp to the other side of the room by the Christmas tree’.
‘Are you taking the piss out of it?
‘Yes she is’.
‘It’s from the Conran shop. It cost us a fortune!’
‘Of course. Is the tree from the Conran shop too?’


‘OK Freds. You can come in now. George you’re staying out here’.
I want to come in with Freddie.
‘No George you stay here’.
But I want to come in with Freddie.
‘No George...’
What are you all doing in there Terry?
‘I told you they are testing us George’.
‘Freddie get inside’.
I’m coming too/
‘George no.’
But/
‘No George. Stay!’
Pips?


‘Well done Freddie!’
‘Well done Freds. I knew you’d do well’.
‘Now it’s George’s turn’.
‘He doesn’t know your flat as well as Freddie so it’ll be a bit harder for him’.
‘Not making excuses for him already are you Philippa?’
‘No but it’s the truth. Freddie lives here so of course he’s going to do well’.
‘She’s worried!’
‘No I’m not’.
‘OK who’s got the stopwatch now?’
‘I’ve got it. We’re all set!’
‘OK I’ll get George’.
‘Don’t warn him about it Philippa’.
‘I won’t’.


‘Here he is’.
‘Hi George’.
‘OK let go of him’.
‘Right, the clock is ticking!’
Pips are you testing my intelligence because if you are I am not playing.
‘He doesn’t appear to have noticed...’
Are you?
‘Yes they are George. IT’S A TRICK!’
‘Sssh Freddie’.
Then I am not playing Pips. I am disappointed in you I really am.
‘George have you/’
‘Sssh Philippa! You’re not allowed to say anything to him’.
‘THEY’VE MOVED THE FURNITURE GEORGE’.
‘Freds sssh!’
I can see they have moved the furniture Freddie but I am not playing. This is not a game, I am not a guinea pig and I do not wish to be treated like one.
‘No George don’t sit’.
I will do what I like Pips.
‘He hasn’t noticed!’
I have noticed Terry, I was not born yesterday.
‘He’s not showing any interest’.
‘It’s going to be nul points for George!’
Nul points? I’ll give you nul points Will.
‘What’s he doing?’
‘He’s going to the lamp’.
‘That’s it George. See? He knows it’s in a different place. Good boy’.
‘He’s cocking/’
‘Oh my God he’s not/’
‘He’s just pretending. He does this someti/’
‘No he’s not. He’s peeing!’
‘George NO/’
‘Quick someone grab him!’
‘He’ll blow us all up...’
‘If you need to go out/’
I do not need to go out Pips and/ GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME! GET OFF!’
‘Did he pee on it?’
‘Yes look!’
‘Oh my God. I can’t believe he did that’.
Well there you go. That is George’s Christmas Game. So there. See how you all like it.
‘George I’m taking you out. Right this minute. That is very naughty! That lamp is from the Conran shop and was bloody expensive!’
Up yours Philippa.