Eighty One

‘Are you Philippa?’
‘Andrew?’
‘Yes. Hi’.
‘Hi’.
‘Sorry I’m a couple of minutes late. I couldn’t get out of work’.
‘Don’t worry. I saw you come in but you didn’t look like yourself. I mean from your photo’.
‘Really?’
‘So I wasn’t sure…. This is George by the way’.
‘Oh! I didn’t see him down there’.
Well I’m here Andrew and do not even think about being a tosser with Pips or you will have me to deal with.
‘I hope you like dogs’.
‘I prefer big ones but….’
Right Pips I think we are wasting our time with Andrew.
‘Hey let me get you a drink. What do you want?’
‘I think I’ll have.. a glass of red wine. Thanks’.
‘What do you like? Cabernet Sauvignon, Tempranillo, Shiraz…?’
She just wants a red wine Andrew. There’s no need to show-off.
‘George don’t pull. Where are you trying to go?’
Home Pips.


‘Last year I ran it almost twenty minutes faster. My friend Matt and I are going to do the New York marathon next year. We reckon we can probably manage to get out there for business at that time so we’ll get our flights and accommodation all paid for. I’ve already started training for it. I get a gym membership with work and I also run to the office two or three times a week/’
Your phone is ringing Andrew.
‘I’m sorry, I’m going to have to take this’.
‘That’s OK’.
‘Matt! I was just talking about you....... about our plans to run the New York marathon next year. Where are you?………OK, so what’s the deal?.....’


‘Have you ever been to Dubai?’
‘N/’
‘It’s amazing. Just going through the airport is incredible. They have Ferraris and Lamborghinis…. They’re all there. The money is mind-blowing! You’ve never seen anything like it! And there’s that six star hotel…. Shit, what’s its name? You know the one. With the helipad on the roof and Andre Agassi or whoever it was played tennis up there/’
Andrew? Your phone is ringing again.
‘Excuse me a second….. Tom! Where are you?............ Hey what’s the name of that six star hotel in Dubai with the tennis court on top?…….. Seven stars? Are you sure?......’


‘So we were up on this mountain pass with the weather coming in and we knew we were going to be pushed for time getting down. Our guide, who was this little guy from the local village who we’d paid to show us the way, was getting nervous. They always get worried those little guys. He didn’t like it that we kept stopping to take pictures but we got some fantastic photos!’
It’s your phone yet again Andrew.
‘Hang on a second….. Hey Keith where are you?............ No I’m in Islington at the moment……What? Seriously? ........’


‘Anyway so where was I?’
You were in the middle of being impressed by yourself Andr/
‘Oh yes! The photos we took. So I thought I’d send some of them off to the Lonely Planet and see if they’d be interested in publishing them in a guidebook or something because they’re much better than the ones they usually have/…..hang on, what….?
‘What’s the matter?’
‘I think your dog…… Hey! Get off!’
‘George? What are you doing down there?’
‘He’s chewing and pulling my laces’.
‘Oh that’s OK. I mean no it’s not OK. I didn’t mean that. I just thought for a second he might have bitten you, not that he bites but…… he’s probably hungry. Actually I should go home and feed him’.
‘Really?’
‘Yes, it’s way past his dinner time. He’ll be starving so….. I should. I’m sorry. It was nice meeting you’.
‘And you. I really enjoyed our chat’.


Andrew, Andrew
With your fancy shoes
Listen to you, listen to you
Andrew, Andrew
And your cellphone tunes
Someone’s calling you, calling you
Andrew, Andrew
Bored to death by you
Goodbye to you, adieu Andrew. What do you think Pips?
‘Thanks for giving me the perfect excuse to get away George’.
You’re welcome.
‘He might have been interesting if he had shown the slightest bit of interest in me. And he definitely wasn’t impressed by you’.
That’s because he’s a tosser Pips, that’s why.