Eighty Five

‘……darling I’ve told you, that’s the way it is. Why are you making such a big deal out of it?’
Simon?
‘Look I can’t talk now. I’m busy. I’ve got a lot of catching up to do’.
Simon?
‘And the sickbag has just walked in’.
I would like to have a meeting with you Simon, if I may, about my job as stationery manager within the comp/
‘I told you I don’t know! If I knew I’d tell you. We’ll talk la/… Lindsay? Lin/……? Great. That’s just perfect’.
Did she hang up on you Simon?
‘What is it with women? At the beginning they don’t mind about anything, nothing’s too much trouble, and then one day they turn around and mind about everything. Now what’s the matter with you?’
I would just like a meeting to discuss/
‘By the way you know what?’
What?
‘It’s appraisal time again soon’.
In that case it is even more important that we discuss my role/
‘You know what that means don’t you?’
If I could just finish Simon/
‘Trouble for you. Oh yes. And I’m looking forward to it. Can’t wait. Because I’ve seen you in the stationery cupboard’.
Well that is just what I wish to talk to you about actually because I feel that my work is not being appreciated which is probably because you do not understand exactly what it is I do on a daily basis.
‘I see you in there on my way to Jason’s office’.
And I notice you passing, but I feel it is important that you are aware that as Nadine cannot stand stationery and so can’t be bothered, which I am not complaining about because I very much enjoy it as a matter of fact and am very willing/
‘He’s seen you in there too’.
to take on the role of stationery manager which I have been undertaking for some time now, and you’re welcome, the point is that despite constant stock checks it is very difficult for me to keep up with the never-ending demand for stationery supplies on my own,
‘I want to know what you get up to’.
when I do not feel support/
‘You could be taking a dump in there for all I know’.
I beg your pardon?
‘George? What are you doing in Simon’s room?’
‘Leave him Philippa. We’re just having a cosy little cha/’
I BEG YOUR PARDON SIMON! I BEG YOUR PARDON!
‘George?’
I BEG YOUR PARDON! HOW DARE YOU SUGGEST THAT I WOULD DO SUCH A THING!
‘Hey hey, steady on!’
Right. That is it. Never in my life have I been spoken to like that and I have no intention of putting up with it. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! So you know what? I take it all back. STUFF YOUR STATIONERY! YOU CAN ORDER IT YOURSELF! ALL YOUR POST-IT NOTES AND MAGIC TAPE AND INDEX DIVIDERS AND STAPLES AND PAPERCLIPS AND BIC BIROS/
‘George what’s the matter?’
BECAUSE I RESIGN. YES I DO. GEORGE IS RESIGNING! RIGHT NOW! RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE!
‘Look at him Philippa. He’s getting really steamed up. Hey sickbag calm down’.
DO NOT TELL ME TO CALM DOWN! DO NOT TELL ME TO CALM DOWN!
‘Come on George, I think we’d better/’
DO NOT PICK ME UP PIPS! I AM HAVING A MEETING WITH SIMON/
‘Bloody hell he’s hysterical! What’s got into him?’
AND I’LL TELL YOU SOMETHING ELSE YOU TOSSER! IF I FELT THE NEED TO TAKE A DUMP WHILE STOCKTAKING I MOST CERTAINLY WOULD NOT DO IT IN THE STATIONERY CUPBOARD. OH NO. I WOULD TAKE THE TIME TO COME BACK HERE TO YOUR OFFICE AND I WOULD DO IT RIGHT THERE. ON YOUR DESIGNER CHAIR!
‘Sssh George! I’m going deaf from the racquet’
AND I’D TAKE A DUMP YOU’D NEVER FORGET!
‘OK that’s enough now George. Ssssh! Let’s get you out of here’.