Ninety

‘..well no I think before I am penalised you should speak to your operators and make sure that they are informing customers of this in the first place because at no point was it mentioned to me…….. no I didn’t see it in your literature and neither did Mr Lewis because if he had he wouldn’t have asked me to set up an account for him because he specifically wanted to try out the service before committing him/…… no, I wasn’t, that’s the point…… But how can you be sure?.......... well I’ve just spoken to three other people before being put through to you and they all told me different things so ……………. Simon Lewis, yes. No, I’m his PA …. ……… No I don’t want to be put through/……… Fine. I’ll hold. I obviously don’t have any choice…………. Bloody hell. George? Where are you?’


I would very much like to be able to help you but it is not my responsibility any more Mahinder. I formally resigned as Stationery Manager over a month ago now because, firstly, I was not being supported in my role because Simon is a tosser and, secondly, he made an offensive suggestion which I will not tolerate so I felt that resignation was the only option. Of course, no-one understands the time and effort it takes to manage a stationery cupboard so it does not come as any surprise that we have already run out of something as crucial as parcel tape but you will have to speak to Nadine about it. By the way, parcel tape comes in packs of six. Don’t mention it. You’re welcome Mahinder. And while you are about it could you tell Nadine to stop ordering Tippex.


‘…but….no, I was not. No-one told me and Mr Lewis did not know about it either…………. The contract is dated…….. the 18th of July but I don’t know when I made the initial call……….. What? Again?.......’
‘Philippa?’
‘Hi Simon’.
‘Are you…?’
‘No I’m on hold for about the fifteenth time’.
‘OK well…. This is Stephanie’.
‘Hi’.
‘Philippa is my PA. I always say she works hard at making my life easier!’
‘Yes I’ve heard what a wonderful job you do’.
‘The reception is looking a mess Philippa. What’s going on? There are boxes everywhere. Can you have a word with Nadine about it before one of our visitors trips over them and sues us for Health and Safety’.
‘Sure’.
‘So Steph, this is my office…… in here…..’
‘…………… Wow! This is cool!’
‘Yeah. These chairs are new by the way. They’re Arne Jacobsen. Top of the range. From Vitra’.
‘Hello?..... Yes I’m still holding. Is there/…..? Hello?........ Hello?.......For fuck’s sake’.


I will see if I can find some parcel tape for you Mahinder. Don’t worry, leave it to George. I was not Stationery Manager for nothing. In fact I think I remember seeing a role of it under the shelves in our Führer’s room although I can’t remember when he ever did anything useful enough to need it. After all it is you Mahinder, Pips and me who do all the work around this place. But let me investigate. I shall be right back………


‘Great. First I get cut off and now I can’t get through at all’.
Pips? Pips?
‘George. Thank God you’re here’.
‘Mahinder needs some parcel tape. In fact he needs some duct tape but we don’t have any so he says parcel tape will do but we don’t have any of that eith/ Pips? What’s the matter?
‘……Come with me George. Quickly’.
But I am just looking for some parcel ta/ Pips? Where are you going?
‘I can’t stand it….’
What’s wrong Pips? Where are you going?


‘Life is so unfair George….’
It’ll be home time soon Pips. You can’t stay in the cubicle for the rest of the day. 'So now it’s Stephanie! Only two minutes ago he was on holiday with Lindsay. How can Simon pick up one girl after another without even bloody trying?’
He does try actually Pips. You can tell because he starts talking even more bullshit than normal.
‘I can’t even get one boyfriend!’
But that’s because you’re meeting tossers if you don’t mind my saying. Although it’s true that Simon is a tosser and it doesn’t stop anyone going out with him but we don’t want a tosser in our lives do we Pips? No.
‘And then he has the bloody cheek to criticise reception to me as though it’s somehow my fault’.
He said reception was looking a mess. I know, you told me.
‘’Reception is looking a mess Philippa’. Since when was reception my responsibility George?’
It never was Pips. You shouldn’t listen to him. Why do you listen?
‘He always has to exert his authority/’
Because he hasn’t any Pips. It’s all in his head.
‘and humiliate me’.
Ignore him. That’s what I do.
‘Everything comes so easily for him. What has he done to deserve it? It’s not fair George it’s just not fair!!’
OK Pips, we’re beginning to go round in circles now, metaphorically speaking. My stomach is cold on this tile floor and I would very much like to go home soon so do you think you could come out of the cubicle now?
‘I hate my life George. It’s shit. I wish I could just end it all’.
Oh well thank you very much Pips I must say. Thank you very much! That makes me feel just terrific if you don’t mind. Here I am, sharing my life with you, trying to be supportive through your crises and all I get in return is a wish to end it all. I have had enough now I REALLY HAVE! You are not the only one who has suffered in the name of love you know. Yours Truly has had his fair share of romantic disappointment too and sometimes it has been due to your interference as a matter of fact. Oh yes! Daffodil for example was a very lovely girl and I had great hopes for us but you got involved and that was the end of it. You also insisted on coming back from Barcelona when you knew very well that I wanted to stay and explore Parc Güell some more in the hope of meeting Conchita once again, who was another lovely girl, but no, you wouldn’t listen. And for your information I still hold a tender place in my heart for Kylie, who used to live just down the street from us when I was living with Steve and Debs, she was just terrific, so I also have suffered heartache in my romantic life. And I know very well that life is not fair. Do you think I enjoyed my stays at Battersea? No Pips I did not. Not at all. But have I become morose and self-pitying? No I have not because it is very very very very boring if I may say so. And I’ll tell you something else for free. You can stay locked in the cubicle for as long as you like but I am going home. Yes I am. Right now. And I will not be catching the number 38 bus either. Just because it is raining is not a good enough excuse to go on public transport…..


‘OK George I’m coming out now. Please don’t give me one of your sympathetic looks because I’ll probably burst into tears again. And if anyone asks then I was just feeling sick OK? Thank God no-one else came in here....... George?........... George?
Here Pips. Waiting for you to come out and open the door so I can go home.