Twenty

But you're very young George I hear you say. Well yes Pips I am but I have packed an enormous amount into my short life so far. There was my time spent with Rupert and Katie and their Freelander in Cheam. Katie was a shopaholic because Rupert was a workaholic. That's what she told me. Then there was my time with Steve and Debs in Peckham, before Steve ran off with Michelle, to say nothing of my humble beginnings with not just one stay at Battersea but two. So while you were going on and on about that newspaper article I was thinking about what I would do with £5million and then I had a brilliant idea. You can be my ghost writer Pips! I would be thrilled if you would because I would enjoy chatting to you about my varied and interesting life. Besides, you can have whatever remains of my £5 million after I have bought another bone to chew on and a new collar. A stripy one would be terrific. And I would also like to buy a garden for myself. I very much miss a garden to run around in Pips, actually.
'It's ridiculous George. They'll be paying millions to some 'b' list celebrity's bloody dog to write its autobiography soon.'
It's funny you should say that/
'Or you, George! Why don't you write your autobiography?'
That's just what I was thinking!
'Get up. Eat. Walk to work with Philippa. Sit in basket at work all morning/
Well no, I don't sit in the basket which is why I annoy you/
'Runaround in Bloomsbury Square at lunchtime.'
No Pips it's a walk, not a runaround, as you well know/
'Back into basket at work again. Snooze'.
I'm not snoozing. I'm only pretending.
'Walk home. Eat. Bed in the bookshelf. Christ, how bloody interesting is that?'
Pips! That's my life you're talking about!
'I suppose that little routine would be worth at least £5 million'.
You are being facetious now if you don't mind my saying and actually I've changed my mind. I don't want you to be my ghost writer. You obviously don’t understand the complexities of being George. No. Not at all. You lack the sensitivity to appreciate the nuances of my existence.
'Mind you, you've probably got more to say for yourself than Wayne Rooney'.
How do you know Pips if you don't listen to me?
'Although it's not about having anything to say for yourself. I realise that now'.
I may as well talk to myself.
'It's about money. That's all'.
It's very disappointing.