Twenty Three

The Annual General Meeting

‘Right George. Now promise me, before I knock on this door, that you are going to behave. And please please please don’t cock your leg at anything in Margaret’s flat because, as you found out with Simon, other people don’t always find your pretend peeing amusing’.
Promise Pips.
‘I mean it George. If you don’t behave at this meeting it could be back to Battersea with you tomorrow’.


‘Hello Philippa. Good evening. Hello George. Come on in. I don’t know if you’ve met everyone in the other flats. Joy you know’.
‘Hello Philippa’.
‘Hello Joy’.
‘Everyone this is Philippa – and George, who is item number 6 on this evening’s agenda’.
You’re welcome. Good evening everyone.
‘I wondered who George was. I thought we can’t be discussing George Bush, surely!’
‘Philippa do you know Colin who lives in Flat 2?’
‘We met once, briefly, just after I moved in’.
‘Which must be a while ago now. This George is infinitely preferable by the way’.
‘And this is Jean-Michel who is renting Flat 5’.
‘ello’.
‘Hi’.
‘And last, but not least, there is Justine’.
‘Yes I know Justine. Hi’.
‘Hi Philippa. Hello George’.
Hello Justine. I like your Camper shoes. They’re terrific.
‘Unfortunately Jason can’t be here as he’s had to go to San Jose on business. I think it was San Jose. And Barbara is ill’.
‘Oh dear. Not seriously I hope’.
‘No. It’s a flu bug I think. Now would anyone like a cup of tea or coffee before we get started?’

‘Item 1. Repairs to the external pipework at the back of the property. Jason was looking into this and was going to report on quotations received for the work but as he is not here I think we will have to move straight on to item number 2’.
‘He’s doing something about this though is he?’
‘Yes Colin he is. He told me he has contacted a number of people so/’
‘Because the dripping outside my window has become a steady stream and we’ve been talking about this since last May’.
‘Yes I realise that. I’ve asked Jason to distribute to each of you a list of the various quotes he has received so that we don’t have to wait until the next meeting to make a decision’.
‘Well as long as he does because this can’t wait another year to be sorted and he’s always off here, there or somewhere else… but OK. So I shall expect a note from him then’.
Pips when are we going to talk about me?
‘Item number 2. Bins. There was a suggestion from Joy that we should paint the number of the house on the bins so that when they fly off down the street in the wind we know which bins to retrieve’.
‘Why? Don’t we know our own bins?’
‘It’s not always apparent Colin because/’
‘The bins from next door get muddled up with ours’.
‘Yes. Thank you Justine. Joy has already said she would be very happy to paint the house number on the bins’.
‘Also I thought there was a proposal to change the bins from black to green’.
‘Was there?’
‘Why green?’
‘The Council are bringing in green bins’.
‘Really?’
‘No that’s just the recycling bins’.
‘While we’re on the subject of the recycling bins – which is the next item on the agenda – could everyone please remember to divide up their recyclables. Bottles, cans and newspapers are still being put in all the bins. I was thinking that perhaps Joy could paint ‘newspapers’ on one bin and ‘bottles and cans’ on the other while she is painting the house number on the bins outside’.
‘Is it really necessary to label every bin this house owns? I’m beginning to feel like I’m living in a kindergarten’.
‘Well the thing is Colin that/’
‘I don’t care about ze numbers on ze bins. Or ze couleur. Eez not interessant pour moi’.
‘I’m not really bothered either actually’.
I’m not bothered at all Margaret if I can just say so. Can we move on to item number 6 now?
‘Joy would you mind painting ‘newspapers’ on one of the recycling bins and ‘bottles and cans’ on the other whilst you have your paint out?’
‘No not at all. It will be white paint though because that’s all I have. Is everyone all right with that?’
Oh who cares what colour you paint it in? This is really boring Pips.
When are we going to talk about me?

‘Item 3. Cleaning of the communal areas. Barbara mentioned that we should perhaps employ a cleaner for the stairwell and the entrance hall. Colin you were going to make some enquiries as to the cost’.
‘Yes I did. Basically we would have to employ someone on a weekly basis. No-one is interested in coming in for one or two hours every two weeks, it’s not enough work. So it’s a question of whether we can make it worth someone’s while to come in weekly’.
‘Why can’t we just hoover our own landing and the stairs on our floor instead of getting someone in?’
‘The point Justine is that no-one does that. I mean, I know I do and Joy does/’
‘I don’t ‘ave ze time. A leetul beet of dirt, so what? What eez ze probleme avec ca?’
‘Well it’s not necessarily healthy and now that we have George living amongst us – who we shall come on to again in item number 6/’
Wait wait wait! What are you suggesting Marge?
‘It’s OK George’.
‘….it is important to keep the stairwell clean’.
I’m not dirty. I’M NOT DIRTY!
‘Ssssh ssssh George. Remember what I said?’
‘Sorry Philippa?’
‘Nothing. I was just speaking to George’.
‘I don’t sink ze stairs are so dirty. Non. Personellement I don’t care. I ‘ave uzzer sings to do wiz my time zan clean ze stairs’.
‘So you would support the idea of us employing a cleaner then would you Jean-Michel?’
‘Non. Pas du tout’.

’............ so a locksmith will be coming around to check the front door latch next……… Wednesday, which is the 19th April’.
‘How much is that going to cost?’
‘If we need a new lock then we will be paying for it out of the management kitty’.
‘But how much is he charging just to come out and look at it?’
‘Jason organised this so I’m not absolutely sure’.
‘Well roughly speaking how much are we talking about?’
Can you shut up Colin because I’m getting bored and I would like to talk about me now if you don’t mind. Can we skip over the other items and/
‘I think it is about sixty pounds’.
‘Sixty pounds! Just to look at ze lock? Zees country is a reep off. You pay money for what? For nussing. Completement rien. C’est fou. C’est idiot’.
‘Philippa do you have anything to say about the front door lock?’
‘Not really, no’.
No we’re falling asleep over here Marge. Can you get a move on? I would really be more interested in talking about me especially as I have prepared a speech inspired by none other than the Bard himself.
‘Well, as Jason is dealing with this matter, I think those of you who are not in agreement with this should perhaps speak to him directly’.
‘I’m not against having someone round to look at the lock but do we really have to pay sixty pounds for the privilege?’
‘Ze lock is OK I sink. I look at eet…..’

‘Proposed amendments to freehold leases……….. a solicitor is looking at changing clause 8.1, 9.3 and 9.4’.
‘Well wait a minute. Who is this solicitor? Are we going to be charged an arm and a leg for this as well?’
‘No…’
‘Frankly I’ve yet to meet a solicitor who doesn’t……’
‘She’s a friend of Barbara’s’.
‘………….daylight robbery……………..’
‘I’m quite happy with the lease as it stands. Who……………..proposed changing it?’
‘Not me……’

‘………… carpets on the floors…..’
‘Barbara complains she ……… hear Jason when he comes home late at night’.
‘Mais c’est pas vrai!’
‘……… carpet would help……..’
‘E’s got to come ‘ome, non? Il peut pas rester dehors……..’
‘…………obligatory……………… in lease………..’
‘What type……..carpet……..suggest?’
‘Joy has a lovely……..thick…………..where did……….?
‘…………………….John Lewis……………………’
‘…………..square…………………………………………………………………
…………………………………………………….metres………………………..
………………………………………………………………………………………
………………………………………………………………………………………
………………………………………Trish I have a surprise for you. Look who is back with us’.
‘Who? Oh my God it’s not…….. Blimey it is ‘n all. It’s George. What did ‘e get up to this time the naughty little fu/’
‘Apparently the lease of the flats in which he was living stated that no pets were allowed’.
‘You’re kiddin’ me. Didn’t she check?’
‘No, it seems not’.
‘What a twat!’
‘I do wish people would think through their situation before they commit themselves to taking on the responsibility of a dog’.
‘Maybe she’s lyin’. Maybe she just couldn’t ‘andle ‘im. You know what ‘e’s like. I bet ‘e gave ‘er the runaraaaaand somethin’ rotten’.
‘Well the point is we are left to pick up the pieces yet again. Oh dear George what are we going to do with you?’
‘E’s too ‘ard work Wendy. That’s what i’ is. ‘E’s a pain in the arse that bleedin’ dog. E’s gonna keep comin’ back ‘ere’.
‘No Trish. One must remain positive. It’s an absolute tragedy for George of course. It’s so disruptive to his development’.
‘What development? I’m tellin’ you ‘e’s gonna keep on comin’ back ‘ere this one. ‘E’s just gonna keep on turnin’ up like a bad penny ………….. ………………………………………..’


‘So that was that George. Margaret couldn’t resist telling everyone that they should all ‘see how it goes’ but basically they had no good reason to make me get rid of you and thank goodness for Jean-Michel. He did say ‘now I see where ze barkeeng comes from!’ but I do like people who don’t care too much. It makes life so much easier for everyone else. Colin didn’t even know there was a dog in the house. Mind you he does live on the top floor which Margaret enjoyed pointing out to him. Justine likes you and Joy didn’t want to admit that she warmed to you but she ended up commenting on how well-behaved you were. You’ve never behaved so well George! Thank God you fell asleep.’
I had a nightmare Pips. I was back at Battersea with big Trish and Wendy.
‘Come here. Let’s give you a kiss’.
Can I curl up in your bed with you tonight?
‘We did it George. We did it!’