Twenty Four

‘Look at the cherry blossom George and all the daffodils opening out. The park looks so pretty’.
It smells like Spring Pips!
‘What a beautiful Easter morning’.
Can we visit the zoo while we’re here? I have never been to the zoo and I think I would very much like to see a walrus/……. Who’s that waving at us?’
‘Oh no’.
Who is it?
‘Not Martin’.
Who’s Martin?
‘Phil! Hey, how are you?’
Phil?
‘Martin. Hi. Hi’.
‘Didn’t recognise you at first. Long time no see. How’s things?’
‘Fine. You?’
‘Good. Yeah. Business is beginning to take off now so…. things are cool. What are you doing these days? Are you still working for that company in… where was it?’
‘Bloomsbury. Yes’.
‘Really? How long have you been there now? Must be a couple of years’.
‘Nearly five years’.
‘Wow. Time flies. So who’s this?’
‘This is George’.
Pleased to meet you Martin.
‘He’s not yours is he?’
‘Yes he is. Why wouldn’t he be?’.
‘I didn’t know you liked dogs. How long have you had him?’
‘About six months now’.
‘He’s not a substitute man is he?’
‘No’.
‘You know what they say, once a woman reaches a certain age/’
‘He’s not a substitute man’.
‘It’s dogs and cats…’.
‘A dog is not a substitute for a man!’
‘Just checking Phil’.
‘I got a dog because I wanted a dog OK? Why does he have to be a substitute for anything?’
‘Hey it was a joke’.
It was only a joke Pips.
‘So why did you get a Jack Russell?’
‘I just fell in love with him’.
‘Ah! So he is a substitute man!’
‘No he is not!’
‘All right, well…… actually I prefer big dogs myself’.
OK steady on Martin/
‘Little dogs are yappy and/’
Do not call me yappy Martin do not call me yappy!
‘a bit precious. Don’t you think?’
Right. I don’t like you Martin. No. Not at all.
‘Not that it makes much difference to me. I’m allergic to dogs’.
‘Really? I didn’t know that’.
I think I’m becoming allergic to you Martin, actually.
‘Did you get him from Battersea?’
‘Yes’.
‘I know someone else who got a dog from Battersea. One of those Tibetan Terriers. They had to take it back. It had behavioural problems’.
You know what Martin? You’re a behavioural problem. Pips and I were enjoying our Spring walk in the sunshine and you come along and/
‘It’s OK George’.
No it is not OK Pips. It is not OK at all. You should look at yourself Martin before you start talking about behavioural problems you ignorant, obnoxious/
‘All right George’.
tactless know-it-all who/
‘Yappy. See? What did I tell you?’
DO NOT CALL ME YAPPY! DO NOT CALL ME YAPPY!
‘He only yaps when he’s upset’.
NO I DO NOT BECAUSE I AM NOT YAPPY!
‘I don’t think he likes you Martin’.
‘Well hey I’ve got to dash but nice to see you Phil. See you around’.


‘We may have to avoid Regent’s Park George if we’re going to keep running into Martin. How dare he suggest that you’re some sort of substitute for a man. That’s so typical. He’s probably just jealous of you because he asked me out once and I wasn’t interested but can you see why not? And I don’t know how many times I have asked him not to call me Phil’.
Well I don’t like being called yappy either Pips. I find it offensive and demeaning if I can just say that..
‘And he still does it. I don’t mind Pippa. Or…/’
Pips?
‘Or even Pips. But Phil? It’s like me calling you Georgina. How would you like that George?’
I wouldn’t. Because I’m not a bitch.