Thirty Six

No no no no no no no. I am not eating this Pips. I know very well that it is a cheap brand. I can smell it and quite apart from the fact that it tastes disgusting it does not agree with me. The first and last time I was given this particular chicken and beef combination was by Debs when she was trying to cut down on her weekly household expenditure and it was a false economy, as it happens, because I had diarrhœa for nearly a week. She had to take me to the vet twice because of the damage I was doing to the carpet and he told her off for feeding me this stuff. Afterwards Debs said ‘I’ve learnt my bleedin’ lesson ‘aven’t I? Trust us to get a dog who can’t eat ordinary bloody food like all the others’. But the truth is they don’t use good quality ingredients in these own brands Pips. You very much get what you pay for as Debs discovered on my behalf. You have to pay attention to the additives in many of the cheaper products. It is quite shocking what the manufacturers will put in them and whilst I very much enjoy the Pedigree Chum rabbit dinners you give me and appreciate that you cannot afford to give me them every day, there is no need to go to this extreme. Perhaps the novelty of me is wearing off but cheap food does not agree with me Pips. I have a very sensitive stomach. You would have seen me wretching just now if you were paying attention.
‘George do you think I could invite Jean-Michel around for a World Cup commiseration drink without it looking like I might fancy him? Do you think it could just appear like a neighbourly gesture? Or something a bit more? I mean it is something more I suppose but… I don’t want it to look like that or I might appear desperate. Do you think it could look desperate? After all, I did ask if he would like to come in last week and he said no, so….. But at least I have a good pretext for asking him again, don’t you think? I’ll just say I watched the game and I’m really sorry that France lost and that/’
the French need to practice their penalties. Tell him that.
‘Or is that a bit naff? The thing is if I don’t capitalise on our mutual interest in the football then I probably won’t see him for at least another couple of months and I’ll have to find some other excuse to knock on his door and… gosh, I don’t know it’s so difficult. It’s ridiculous George. We live in the same house and yet we never see each other. I should just be brave and knock on his door and be honest….or, wait a minute. Do you think the whole turning off the water thing might have been an excuse for him to talk to me? We don’t know if anyone from Thames Water did actually come around the other day do we? Perhaps the leak was a fabrication…..? What do you think?’
He’s rude he’s rude he’s rude he’s rude he’s rude he’s rude he’s rude he’s ru/
‘George? What’s the matter? Don’t you want your dinner?’
I do not Pips, no. Would you feed your friends the cheapest products on the market? The answer is no, you wouldn’t, and in fact you are probably outraged by the suggestion. Well I am outraged when this cheap muck is put in front of me. Quite frankly it makes me feel undervalued and unappreciated. Just because I am a dog and have a very easy-going nature does not mean to say that anything goes. No, George has his limits. And by the way where did the ‘mutual interest’ in football come from? You watched two games. You are talking out of your arse Pips if you don’t mind my saying so.
‘I’m only giving you a little variety to your evening menu. There’s no need to look so cross George’.
You’ll be cross in a minute Pips once my arse gets talking – which it will do if I eat this rubbish for my dinner.