Thirty Five

‘Jean-Michel! Hi’.
‘I deesturb you or eez OK for me to talk…’
‘No it’s… it’s fine. How are you?’
‘I survive. Alors, ca va. I just come to say I ‘ave a problème avec ze water een my flat and ze people come round to feex eet tomorrow’.
‘Oh right. What sort of problem?’
‘Zer eez a leak’.
‘Really? Oh my God’.
‘Non, c’est pas grave mais zey will ‘ave to turn off ze water to ze ‘ole ‘ouse in ze morning for maybe one hour’.
‘OK well I’ll be at work so …’
‘Eet weell not bozzer you?’
‘No that’s fine’.
‘OK good. I just tell everybody so zey all know….’
‘Thank you. And thanks for standing up for George at the Management Committee Meeting a couple of months ago by the way’.
‘Ah, eez nussing. I don’t mind ze leetul dog’.
‘I would invite you in but my flat is a complete mess thanks to him’.
‘’Ow eez ze leetul chap?’
‘He’s in the doghouse actually’.
‘Mais non, ‘e eez just by your foot’.
‘Oh no, it’s a metaphorical expression. It means……he’s not popular’.
‘I see’.
‘He’s been in a very bad mood these last few days and has been on the rampage with some of my possessions. Yesterday he ripped up a scarf I bought in Lisbon last year’.
The urge to wreck anything Portuguese is a perfectly rational response in the circumstances Pips. You have no idea of the anguish I am going through.
‘I tell you what, if you don’t mind waiting here a few seconds I can clear up and then would you like to come in for a drink?’
‘Non, ca va. I am just about to watch ze football’.
‘Oh yes. Of course. France is still in the World Cup’.
‘Not like you Eengleesh ‘oo cannot score ze penalties’.
Don’t you start Jean-Michel.
‘Pourquoi ca? Qu’est ce que c’est passé encore? C’est incroyable’.
‘Yes, we watched it. We’ve been a bit depressed haven’t we George?’
We have not been depressed Pips. You were completely uninterested until the quarter-finals so you have no idea of the devastation I feel. I am the one who is totally gutted.
‘You like football do you Jean-Michel?’
‘Yes I watch eet. Pas all ze matches mais…. I like to watch Eengland . Eez always entertaining. Zey fuck up soonur or latur..’
‘Yes, it seems to be our speciality….’
Don’t join in Pips! Listen Jean-Michel, you have no right to make fun of our team when you live in this country and make use of our public services which/
‘Like most uzzer sings in zees country eet does not quite work. Voila! Well I go now’.
Yes you go. Go on. At least our speciality in this country isn’t being rude.
‘OK well thanks for warning us about the water being cut off’.
‘No problème Pheeleepa’.
‘Bye’.
And I hope France lose their next game. So there.

‘He’s really nice George. I think I could quite fancy him. What do you think?’
He is not nice Pips. He was rude about our boys and no-one does that and gets away with it……………………………………………. Where is this from?
‘George no! Give that to me. Where did you find it? That’s my favourite necklace which I got in Copenhagen and it’s not for you. Drop it. Now go and sit in the bookcase. What’s got into you?’
I feel the need to ruin something French now Pips. What about this? Where does it come from?