Sixty Seven

‘Er Philippa? Could I have a word with you in my office a moment? And bring George’.
‘Right, um… what now?’
‘Yes. Why? Are you in the middle of something?’
We’re always in the middle of something Simon, actually, because unlike you we don’t sit around on our arses all day doing nothing.
‘No no, that’s…. come on George’.
When I’m ready.
‘George!’
Keep your hair on Pips. I am just finishing cleaning up the tea spills on the carpet after Judith was a bit careless.
‘No need to rush Philippa. When you’re ready’.
‘No I’m coming. We’re just coming. George come on!’
‘And close the door behind you’.
I’m not scared Simon. Just so you know.
‘Take a seat’.
I’d prefer to sit just behind you Simon if I may.
‘Right. I just wanted a word about George’.
‘OK’.
‘Philippa I’m a reasonable guy as I think you appreciate. I like to have an easy-going attitude with my staff and a laid back work environment and I think a dog in this office reflects that. I want us to be a co-operative, happy team and I know you don’t have a boyfriend so a dog is importa/’
‘Getting George was nothing to do with not having a boyfriend’.
‘Well…… whatever. The point is I am all for a relaxed, casual workplace and, you know, we can all have our jokes from time to time like ‘stick-the-post-it-on-the-dog’ sort of thing. I’m not against having a laugh, you know that, but there is a point at which I draw the line’.
‘OK’.
‘I need to be able to leave my jacket on a chair in my office and pop to the loo or meet with Jason in his office, or with anyone anywhere for that matter, without fear of it being ruined by your animal’.
‘OK’.
‘I’ve said time and time again that George is not allowed in my office’.
‘He doesn’t go in your office anymore – I mean apart from/’
‘Doesn’t he? Look at this. My best Ermenegildo Zegna jacket covered in coarse little white dog hairs’.
‘Right’.
‘Now, far be it from me to jump to wild conclusions as to the culprit but it’s a difficult one. Is it George or……. George?’
‘They may have just brushed off on your jacket as he walked past’.
‘No no no. That was last week. This morning I caught him not only lying on my jacket but rolling around on his back on it’.
‘Right’.
‘And then, when I shouted at him to get off, what did he do? What do you think he did?’
‘I don’t/’
‘I’ll tell you what he did Philippa. He decided to wrestle with the sleeve. Tug it, bite it and slobber all over it’.
‘Oh’.
‘And not let go’.
‘I see’.
‘This suit cost me a couple of thousand Euros! I bought it when I was in Madrid’.


‘What was I supposed to say to that George? Huh? What possible answer is there? You know you’re not supposed to go into Simon’s office! How many times have I told you?’
About one thousand I think.
‘And Simon has also told you I don’t know how many times’.
More than that.
‘And yet still you do it’.
The thing is Pips I had an itch and/
‘I cannot stay at my desk all day checking that you are not going in and out’.
If I can just be allowed to explain myself/
‘I have other things to do!’
Like I was saying, I happened to have an itch on my back which, through no fault of my own, is a place I cannot reach.
‘I feel like Simon. I should be able to leave my desk to do some photocopying or post letters or whatever without you doing exactly what you have been told a million times not to do!’
Exactly. You weren’t around to scratch it for me. And I noticed Simon’s jacket lying on his chair with its buttons and I thought they would do nicely to scratch it. And they did as a matter of fact.
‘The only reason I have you at all is thanks to Simon allowing me to bring a dog to work’.
I cannot help it if I had an itch Pips. All I was doing was relieving a natural irritation/
‘If he gets rid of me then we are stuffed George, OK? Because I very much doubt that I will get another job with you in tow. With a well-behaved dog I might, if I am very lucky, but with you we can forget about it. Simon is never going to give you a glowing reference. ‘It’s a joy to have George in the office’ is not going to happen. I had to work very hard to be allowed to have you and I promised him that you would not be any trouble’.
Well you should not promise things that you can’t know Pips, actually.
‘Yet all you have done is misbehave and reinforce Simon’s prejudices against dogs and, believe me George, he has more than a few!’
You don’t need to tell me/
‘Against small dogs in particular and don’t look at me with that cross expression because you haven’t a leg to stand on’.
I have two more than you as a matter of fact and IT IS NOT MY FAULT THAT I HAD AN ITCH THAT NEEDED SCRATCHING!
‘Don’t snap at me George. I’m not in the mood for any more of your nonsense’.
BUT I HAD AN ITCH!
‘Stop it! Go to your bookshelf and stay there. I don’t want a murmur out of you this evening’.
Talk to the arse Philippa.
‘I’ve had it up to here with you today’.
You know what your problem is? You don’t listen.
‘Go on George! I’m waiting’.
Simon’s jacket is made of a luxury silk and cashmere mix by the way so I
may well want to use it frequently in the future as a cushion/
‘I’m still waiting George’.
BECAUSE IT IS PARTICULARLY COMFORTABLE!