Twenty Eight

‘….. but the problem is George’.
Don’t blame me Pips.
‘I’d love to have him Philippa. I really would. But I can’t take him to work with me…. and I couldn’t leave him alone in my flat all day’.
‘No I know. But this is what I mean Laura. It’s not so simple’.
‘What about your parents?’
‘I asked mum if she would have him for a week or so and she said ‘ask your dad’. So I asked dad and he said ‘speak to your mother’ which means they will have him if necessary but they’d rather not’.
‘Can’t Abbie have him?’
‘She was really enthusiastic about the idea before I got him but now she’s a bit nervous about it’.
‘Poor George’.
‘It’s not poor George at all. No-one wants the responsibility of looking after him because he’s such hard work and I don’t blame them. Simon’s even offered to take him to Victoria Stilwell – that woman on the telly – for some intensive obedience training’.
I’m not scared of Vicky.
‘The one who dresses up like a dominatrix? She’s quite good’.
‘But imagine being on TV because you can’t discipline your dog. It would be humiliating’.
‘Well can’t you take him on holiday with you? Dogs can go abroad now can’t they?’
‘Yes, if they’re chipped and logged onto some sort of database which I doubt that George is. They didn’t mention anything about it at Battersea. Although I suppose his previous owners might have had him done. George are you chipped?’
That is a very personal question which I have no intention of answering if you don’t mind.
‘Where do they chip them?’
‘I think it’s the neck. Or it might be the ear.’.
‘Really? Well then can’t you see it?’
‘Actually maybe I can feel it. I hadn’t thought of that. Come here George. Let me feel you’.
I beg your pardon! No don’t you touch me. Keep your hands off me Pips keep your hands off me!
‘OK don’t then’.
‘How do those chips work? What happens?’
‘I think it’s a barcode type thing that acts like a passport or… perhaps they scan the dog and it beeps or something’.
I most certainly do not beep and I have absolutely no intention of beeping either. I am not a criminal and do not wish to be treated as one. No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no!
‘Calm down George’.
‘What’s got into him?’
‘Just ignore him. He does this sometimes. He’s not an easy dog Laura. He’s a temperamental little bugger’.
Well you are vulgar Pips. I have never heard anything so crude as to suggest that I might beep. I find it offensive and degrading and I think you should apologise.
‘I’ll call a vet and see what it involves’.
That won’t be necessary because a dog has to draw the line somewhere and this is where George puts his paw down. Microchips are an invasion of my privacy and/
‘There’s a surgery a few streets away from me’.
an abuse of my freedom.
‘They can sort him out’.
I have my rights and there is a limit/
So where shall we go for our holidays George?’
to how far my civil liberties can be infringed upon.
‘Maybe Italy….’
‘He could be Giorgio’.
‘Or Spain…?’
‘or Jorge’.
‘Or Greece. I love Greece’.
‘or Georgios Giorgiopoulos’.
‘I like that! That would suit him actually. It might have to be Greece’.
‘He’s not looking very amused Philippa’.
‘Grumpy old Georgios Giorgiopoulos. Oh no we mustn’t tease him, he doesn’t like it. I’m sorry George. I don’t mean it. You know I love you more than anything else in the world. Gosh I’m going to feel guilty for the rest of the day now. He does that to me’.