Thirty Two

‘Good afternoon, Simon Lewis’s office…….. No, I’m afraid he’s in a meeting right now. Can I take a message? …………. No, it will be going on for the rest of the day but he’ll be in tomorrow. OK. I’ll tell him you called. Bye’.
‘Come on England! What the hell are they playing at?’
‘We’re playing like a bunch of amateurs’.
We want Wa-ayne, we want Wa-ayne.
‘Good afternoon, Simon Lew… oh hi. Yes. No it’s fine. Simon, George and Jason, the other director, are all sitting in Simon’s office watching the game. Lisa brought in the TV from her flat…….What? No they’re still together. Well it was off and then it was on, then it was off again and now it appears to be on again so……………Yes, they’re sitting in a row. Simon, George, Jason. I can just see the top of George’s head over the back of the chair. They’re so excited’.
‘Oooooooh!’
‘Shit’.
‘That was close’.
‘Well done Terry!’
‘Come on England for fuck’s sake’.
We want Wa-ayne, we want Wa-ayne.
‘What Laura? Well no, George isn’t normally allowed in his office. Simon makes a fuss every time he walks in – I don’t know why, I mean does it really matter? – and he’s been being really mean about him which is beginning to annoy me actually, but then the football starts and suddenly it’s all OK. George is allowed in. He’s going to be so confused. There’s no consistency. Hang on a second, George is coming out….’
Pips could you get some beers in as it’s almost half-time? And I would like a packet of Walkers Ready Salted crisps. That would be terrific. Actually no, I think I would like a packet of Salt and Vinegar.
‘It’s OK, he’s turned around and is going back in…. don’t know what that was all about…….. what time is it?……………….We should be going home now…. Well no, I can’t tear him away from ‘the lads’ can I?’


We’ve got Wa-ayne, we’ve got Wa-ayne……
‘……so shall we meet at Patisserie Valerie after your pedicure and then we can go shopping…. there’s a really nice top in Agnes B that I can’t afford but I want to show it to you……. yes, and then we can go to the Conran shop/’
We’ve got Wa-ayne, we’ve got Wa-ayne.
‘Come on… come on…. that’s it… come/’
‘YESSSS!’
‘WHOARRRR! That’s it! One-nil. GO ENGLAND!’
WE’VE SCORED A GO-OAL, WE’VE SCORED A GO-OAL…
‘Can you hear that? ……… I got a dog for companionship. If I’d wanted to feel left out of my own life I would have just gone out with some guy who was really into football. I can’t believe it…… No but you know the type, the man who gets out of bed on the morning of an England match and puts on an England shirt. Can you imagine living with a man who does that sort of thing? Well guess what? I think I’ve got one of them – except that he’s a dog’.