Seven

'There we are George. What do you think?'
It looks beautiful Pips. We did it!
‘I think I need a drink’.
It's been a smashing day. I've had such fun putting up the tree and unpacking the balls and arranging the tinsel and the lights. They're so twinkly and sparkly….. and the fairy on the top looks terrific! I love Christmas. There's so much to do and/ That's the phone Pips.
'All right all right George. Hello? Oh hi Abbie! How are you? I'm sorry I haven't called you I've just been so busy and … George is fine. Yes. He's right here admiring the Christmas tree we bought this afternoon. We've just finished decorating it. Yeah, it smells like a Norwegian Wood in here… Yes. I went back on Monday. Fine. It was fine. They all love him. He's so well-behaved and/ George, no! It’s not a peeing post’
Only kidding Pips. I knew it would get her going if I did that.
'Sorry Abbie. He just cocked his leg against the Christmas tree. Do you need to go out George? Look I'll call you back. I think he needs to go out. God if he pees against the tree he'll blow all the lights. Speak to you in a bit. Yeah… Bye. OK George I'm coming'.
I don't need to go out Pips. It was a joke.
'Let's go then'
I was just teasing.
'Come on’.
For a bit of fun.
'Come on George. Quickly'.
I do not need to go out Pips and do not 'quickly' me!'


'Abbie? Hi. It's me again. False alarm. He didn't need to go out, no…. He's watching telly now. He likes the telly. Oh I don't know… the Royal Variety Performance or some other rubbish. He'll watch any old crap'.
Ssssh Pips.
'Gosh Abbie I'm exhausted. When I said he was well-behaved just now when you rang I was lying. I’ve had the most stressful week at work I can’t tell you … well he was sick on the bus on the way in…'
That was your fault for taking me on it in the first place when/
'Ssssh George. No, he was. Seriously. And he doesn't stay in his basket either. I turn my back for two minutes and he's wandering off around the office. Luckily Simon wasn't in much this week so we just about got away with it. Honestly I had no idea how demanding a dog is. It's really full on. The simplest thing turns into chaos. While I was decorating the tree just now he jumped off my bed into the box of baubles and smashed them all before they'd even had a chance to make it to the tree….and he took a liking to this fairy which I usually put on the top. She's now shredded to bits. And then he tries to pee on the tree! Can you believe it? He's already broken everything on it'.
Ssssh Pips!
'Next time I think I want a man in my life remind me that I couldn't cope. Suddenly sharing your life is really a shock to the system - even with a dog. George is a full-time job! How would I ever cope with a relationship? Really. How do people manage with husbands and babies?'
Will you be quiet Pips! Parky is talking. I like Parky.
'Can you hear that? He gets cross when I talk on the phone while he's watching TV. …What? No of course not. I love him, I really do, I love him because he’s a dog and he doesn’t know what he’s doing but honestly Abbie if he was a man this is definitely the point at which I'd be deciding he's too much trouble. Or too weird. I think he's a bit of a weirdo actually…I do. Because right now, for instance, he's lying on his tummy with his back legs stretched out straight behind him….. watching telly yeah. That's how he watches it. Does that strike you as normal?'