One

‘No George. Get daan. Daaaan! If you don’t get daan you in’t goin’ nowhere’.
I knew it I knew it I knew it I knew it I knew I had heard ‘George’ and ‘Home’ in the same sentence! I told you didn’t I?
‘Come ‘ere and let me get this lead on you’.
I’ve got a new ho-ome! I’ve got a new ho-ome!
‘Now say goodbye to Bailey and Scruff, George’.
I’m off boys. See you around.
‘Aw look at yous two. Don’t look so mournful. It’ll be your turn next’.
‘Bye George. See you again sometime’.
Not in here if I have anything to do with it Bails.
‘Bye George’.
Bye Scruff. And by the way it is not right that I have only got a new home because I am small. That was not very nice and also it is not true.


‘… and she couldn’t cope with George and a new-born baby on her own and so brought him back here. So you see we know George’s history. We see many dogs becoming repeat visitors these days due to relationship breakdo/ Ah! Here he is. Hello George. I’ll take him Trish thank you........ Well George. You’re a lucky boy! We’ve found you a new home with Philippa here and Abbie’.
What? But I distinctly remember telling you Wendy, when I came back here, that I did not want to live with another couple. True, I didn’t specifically mention anything about lesbian couples but I thought ‘couple’ covered all variations. I don’t want to live with another couple because they will just split up and I will end up back in this place. That makes me so cross. I have one stipulation, just one, and even that is beyond you.
‘Hello George’.
‘Do you want to say hello to them George?’
Not really Wendy, no. I am disappointed that my very clear instructions to you have been ignored.
‘George’s life has been a little unsettled but he has a fighting spirit. In fact his ego is rather bigger than he is!’
You say that every time Wendy. It’s not that amusing actually.
‘He occasionally gets a little over-excited but with careful handling he’ll calm down. I’m so glad you feel able to take him on. Oh and he loves jumping! Don’t you George?’
I do not wish to be patronised Wendy if you don’t mind.
‘He’s a little subdued right now but give him some time…’


The world smells good George! Look at the river and the blue sky and the chimneys of the Power Station…
‘Look at him Philippa. He’s looking back towards Battersea’.
‘Oh my God that’s so heartbreaking. Do you think he’s sad to leave?’
I am not sad to leave girls, I am just sad that my very clear instructions
were completely disregarded, that is all. I can hear a phone ringing. Someone’s phone is ringing!
‘Hold on just a second George’.
‘I’ll take him Philippa’.
‘It’s Laura. Hi Laura. Yes I’ve got him! We’re walking to Victoria. …’
Philippa I very much like your brown suede boots if I may say so and also Abbie’s trainers which are Birkenstocks unless I am very much mistaken and... There is no need to humour me by pulling a face/
‘No I didn’t mean to get a Jack Russell. They’re a bit small …’
What? ‘I didn’t mean to get a Jack Russell. They’re a bit small’ . I beg your pardon? I can’t believe this. I can see this new home is going to be just tickety-boo and Wendy has done yet another super job on the re-homing front.
‘…but he’s so adorable. It was the way he was jumping up and down in his cage like a yoyo – off all four feet at once with his sweet little bum wiggling in mid-air’.
Oh whatever.


Where does Victoria live exactly, girls? There are a lot of suitcases around here and oh no, not a wheelie… don’t move - George is coming through….. and taxis and buses and more bu…. Hang on a second. We’re not….. are we getting on a bus? OK that’s it. WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT!
‘George? What’s the matter?’
What’s the matter? OK. Here’s the deal. George doesn’t do public transport. Never has done, and is not about to start now. Rupert and Katie had a Freelander and Debs went out and bought a Toyota the same day Steve left her. She said ‘I’m not lettin’ that bloody bastard walk out and leave me wivout a pair o’ wheels’. And even though Steve didn’t walk out because actually he drove off in the car the point is Wendy should have told me if public transport was involved with you two lesbians. I’m not walking one step more, not one.
‘Come on George’.
No Philippa. No. No can do.
‘Perhaps he’s done enough walking for one day?’
‘But we haven’t walked that far. We’ve only walked over the bridge’.
‘What’s got into him?’
What’s got into me Abbie, sweetheart, is that I am not getting on a bus.
George has a few principles and this is one of them.
‘Oh here’s a 38! Just in time. This is our bus George!’
I don’t care whose bus it is I am not getting on it.
‘Come on George. This is our bus home’.
I am not getting on that filthy piece of junk Philippa. I am not.
‘’Egettingunthisbusorwutt?’
‘Yes he is’.
No I’m not.
‘Perhaps he’s not used to travelling on buses .’
No I am not and…no. No don’t… Put me down. PUT ME DOWN RIGHT NOW PHILIPPA! I AM NOT.... OK. Right. I’m on the bus. Are we….? We’re moving. OK well… all right then. George will go on a bus just this once.
‘Let’s go upstairs’
But only this once because/
‘Ooops!’
OW!
‘Oh Philippa he hit his nose on the glass’.
‘Are you OK George?’
No I am not OK. The bus driver cannot drive this bus and/
‘It’s OK George’.
IT IS NOT OK! My nose is numb now so for your information I have lost my sense of smell and I can see two Abbie’s walking in front of me
‘Let’s sit at the front Philippa......... Can I have him on my lap?’
That’s it. George has no sense of smell anymore but no-one cares.
I had a whole future planned for myself when I got out of Battersea. Oh yes I did/ Watch that bike!!!!...... and in the space of a morning it’s all gone Shih tzu shaped, it really has. Although there is a very good view from up here of who we’re going to run over I must say. Where was I? Yes. My plans. I had some very important plans for/ STOP!!!
‘Sssh George. It’s OK’.
But this driver has no clutch/… . control. See? He couldn’t drive a Tonka toy.


….What’s happening now? Abbie? What are you doing?
‘Have we passed Fortnum and Mason’s already? Oh gosh I’m going to get off here Philippa. I want to pop into Waterstones.’
Waterstones?
‘See you again soon George. See you Philippa. I’m so glad you did it. He’s just gorgeous’.
‘Well thanks for coming with me.’
‘No probs. It’s the most exciting thing either of us has ever done….’
‘What? Getting the dog or pretending to be gay?’
‘Both! See you’.
‘Bye’.
Wait. I’m confused. Are you two not a couple?
‘I was afraid they wouldn’t let me have you if they knew I was living on my own George. I shouldn’t have been dishonest but sometimes you just feel obliged to lie to get what you want’.
So it’s just you and me Philippa? You’re not in a couple? But that’s terrific!


I really am thrilled that it is just you and me Philippa. You should have said so before.
‘This is my street George’.
Cool. But where is the angel? The conductor definitely said ‘Angel!’ He did.
‘We’re nearly there’.
I still don’t see an angel Philippa. I really don’t. I will tell you right now that I do not mind people lying just as long as it is not to me.
‘Right George this is us. Let me just find my keys. Mind the recycling bins inside the hall with the bottles and papers and... there we are. In you go George’.
I can smell Pinot Grigio. That was Rupert’s favourite. He used to drink it all the time.
‘Come on up George. We’re on the first floor’.
Coming Philippa.
‘Now where are my keys again. I had them a second ago’.
Are you a bit disorganised Philippa?
‘Ah. Got them’.
Good. Let me get in there. Let’s have a look. I want to see/…. Oh.
‘Here we are. This is it George. I’ve nothing fancy to offer you in terms of lifestyle. It’s almost crucified me buying this little flat but it’s cosy and I have you now and it’ll be our home’.