Thirty

‘That’s better George. I was suddenly feeling a bit faint. Just let me lie down here for ten minutes and then I’ll get your dinner. Oh! What have you got there?’
It’s a note. It was posted through our door.
‘Come here. Let me see…….’

Philippa

Over the last couple of weeks I have noticed a number of
white hairs on the stairs which can only belong to George.
I realise dogs moult but I have had to vacuum the stairs several times this past week, which I take exception to when it is not my dog. Please ensure that the stairs are vacuumed regularly for the sake of cleanliness.

Yours, Margaret

‘I don’t believe this George. ‘…..which I take exception to….’ For God’s sake! There are people starving in this world, children dying of AIDS, someone even shot on Upper Street the other day and Margaret is worrying about a few hairs on the carpet. What does she expect me to do? Run around after you with the hoover every time we come in and out of the building? I’m going to reply and post it back through her door right away. What shall I say? Dear Margaret….’
Dear Madge.
‘I am sorry that you feel the need to complain/’
No, do not apologise Pips. Do not apologise! We are not sorry. We are nothing of the sort.
‘about George’s hairs on the stairs but I feel that you are being a little unreasonable’.
Unreasonable? Don’t be so nice Pips. Tell her she is neurotic and we have had enough of her whingeing and complaining/
‘I will try to hoover the hall more frequently but/’
Only after you have sorted out your compulsive/obsessive cleaning disorder Madge. Put that down. And tell her I have had it up to here with being discriminated against and victimised/
‘I cannot actually stop George from moulting/’
And she should be less personal.
‘as I am sure you will appreciate’.
I cannot help it if I moult.
‘No wait, I’ve got a better idea. I will write it from you’.
It happens at this time of the year and it is a delicate issue/
‘What would you say to her?’
so she can shove her hoover where the sun don’t shine.
‘Dear Margaret’.
Madge.
‘Thanks for letting me know that I am shedding hairs on the stair carpet’.
Don’t thank her Pips. We are not thankful. She should mind her own business and/
‘What next George? Oh I know. Philippa has kindly agreed to carry me down the stairs over the next couple of weeks/’
NO I DO NOT WANT TO BE CARRIED. DO NOT CARRY ME! DO NOT CARRY ME!
‘Ssssh George. No I won’t say that. That’s pandering to her. I mustn’t say that’.
Tell her I can deposit something else on the stairs if she would prefer. How would she like that?
‘Oh George I don’t know what to say’.
Go on. Tell her that. Go on Pips. I can easily arrange it. It will be no trouble at all. Let’s see how she likes that idea.
‘OK you know what George? I’m just going to keep it simple’.
So kiss my arse Madge.
‘Dear Margaret’.
Madge.
‘George can you get your bum out of my face? Thank you’.
I was just/
‘Dear Margaret. I have asked George to stop moulting. Thanks for letting me know. It won’t happen again. Yours, Philippa. Done. That’s the sort of response this note deserves. Now I’m going to go up and pop it back under her door. No George you stay here or we’ll have more hairs on the stairs’.