Thirty Nine

‘…….. Hello, is that the swimming pool?…… Hi, I’m just wanting to know whether it would be possible to bring my dog in with me if I came for a swim on Sunday and/………. No, he’s not swimming but I don’t want to leave him out on the street in case he gets stolen or something…… He’s a Jack Russell………. Pedigree? I don’t know, I doubt it….. well he might be but that’s not the point. I don’t want someone to walk off with my dog while I’m swimming!…….. Well the lady at the front desk has just told me that she wouldn’t be able to keep an eye on him for me which is why she has put me through to you…………………… your supervisor? Oh OK…


… Hello? Are you the supervisor?…….. OK hello. I’m just wanting to know if there is a place I can leave my dog if I come for a swim, somewhere I can keep an eye on him, not necessarily by the pool but just… what?…… No. I mean I could leave him at home but if I wanted to do that I wouldn’t be ringing you up about this would I?……… He’s a Jack Russell so he’s only a small dog…….. Sorry?…….. No I realise he probably can’t come into the changing rooms as that wouldn’t be very hygienic but that’s not what I’m asking. Haven’t you got a place – maybe just a corridor or something – where I can watch over him from the pool? I’ll tie him up and he’s very good. He won’t be any trouble…… Who? …. But I thought you were the supervisor…….. I need to talk to your supervisor…… OK well I’ll hold….

…Hello? Hello? Are you the supervisor’s supervisor? I mean are you the top supervisor?……. No but I don’t want to be passed on to someone else because/ oh it doesn’t matter, I just don’t want to have to explain the situation all over again because I’ve already…… about my dog, yes. I’m only wanting to know whether he can come in/… Pardon? Can he swim? Why does he need to swim? He’s not going to be swimming……..Oh I see! But he’s not going to fall in if he’s tied up……. Well wherever you think is best, that’s why I’m/ I mean he doesn’t have to be right by the pool……… a Jack Russell. ………. No, he’s very well-behaved, he will hardly be noticed……….. The lifeguard? Why do I need to speak to him?……. Health and Safety. Right. Well I mean he can swim if that is the issue……… OK then put me on to the lifeguard…….. No, I’d rather speak to him now if you can find him…..

Hello….? ….Hi, is that/….. my dog, yes…… a Jack Russell……… Naughty? Really? Well this one isn’t, he’s very obedient……….. Look, I really didn’t think this would be such a big deal. I’m not asking for him to come swimming with me or even to be in the pool area but maybe somewhere overlooking it or just nearby so that/……. Sunday morning. I used to swim at your pool a few years ago and there was never anybody there at that time so I don’t think/…….. that’s OK is it?……. Oh! OK that’s great. Are you sure?………… Good. Well that’s great so……… it’s Philippa. What’s yours?……. Kyle. OK so if I just turn up.. I mean you work on Sundays do you?…… Good, well thanks for your help…….. Thanks….. Yes, OK …. Bye… Bye…….. Honestly George how complicated can we make something? Thank God for Kyle. Australian of course. No native of this country is that helpful. George? George? Where are you?…………………. George get out of Simon’s office. How many times do I have to tell you? What are you doing in his chair now?’
I am composing some haiku Pips. I couldn’t help but notice your book of haiku poetry in the bookshelf at home and I thought I can do that. Listen…
The sun rises on me George
in your chair
as it sets in the Maldives
‘Get out of here George. Come on!’
Simon’s designer desk
can fit his designer chair
but not his head. Although many of the great haiku masters were inspired by nature and the four seasons I decided that I would like to take, for my own inspiration, Simon and his attitude towards himself….
Your Paul Smith suit
And Jeffery West shoes
Do not fool anyone
‘GEORGE! What did I just say to you? Get out NOW!’
Keep your hair on Pips. It’s only a bit of haiku. No need to get your knickers in a twist.


‘George can you swim?’
Of course I can swim. I was not born yesterday.
‘I’ll have to fill up the bath at some point, put you in it and see what happens’.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait!
‘George?’
I have had enough of you today Philippa. Yes I have. First you ignore my haiku and then your threaten me with a crude ‘sink or swim’ experiment. GEORGE IS NOT A GUINEA PIG AND I DO NOT INTEND TO BE TREATED AS ONE. If you so much as pick me up in an attempt to carry out this juvenile behaviour I will have no option but to become destructive and experiment on a few of your favourite possessions to see how they like being demoted to a plaything. I am not a toy! I HAVE A PROUD HERITAGE AS A MEMBER OF ONE OF THE MORE ENTERPRISING AND INTELLIGENT CANINE BREEDS AND I WILL NOT/
‘All right George keep your hair on! Bloody hell! I was only asking. I had an idea I might like to go swimming. Start doing a bit more exercise. That’s all’.