Hundred and Forty Two

I'm not. No Pips, I'm not. Because I made only one resolution last year which was not to travel on public transport, as you very well know, and yet within two seconds we were back on the number 38 bus which was sickening it really was. So no. But I have a resolution for you.
'Let's have a think for you'.
It's a waste of time even thinking about it Pips.
'What might they be George?'
I'm not interested.
'Well plenty of resolutions are coming to mind. Let's see... my goodness, we're spoilt for choice. Number One has to be to get on the bus without having a tantrum. Secondly, not to play with your tinkly ball while I am trying to meditate. Thirdly, to not turn your nose up at cheaper dog food when I need to save money. What else..? Oh yes, to stop standing in the middle of the DVD shop getting in everyone's way... well basically they're all to do with doing what you're told. In fact they can all be summed up in just one resolution - to behave yourself. What do you think?'
Um... let me think for a second...
'Do you think that behaving yourself could perhaps be this New Year's Resolution?'
Ooh... ah! Can-to-na! Just kidding Pips.
'Yes George?'
No.


Pips? You never asked what resolution I have in mind for you. Pips? Pips? Pips? PIPS!
'Yes! What is it George?'
To stop telling me what to do.

Fifty Three

My New Year’s Resolutions by George.

1. To see Renee Fleming in concert. Pips was very naughty not to tell me that Renee was singing at the Barbican before Christmas. I would never have known about it had I not heard that woman with the gold-heeled shoes talking about it in Upper Street the other day.

2. To find a lovely girl. Perhaps Freddie knows of a local girl as that would suit me very well.

3. To be allowed off the lead. Pips has no idea of the humiliation involved which shows a complete lack of understanding.

4. To keep the local squirrels under control. I have noticed lately that they are everywhere and if Islington Council cannot keep these vermin off the streets then I will have no choice but to deal with them myself. It is very disappointing that local government is so ineffective. All I can say is that they are very lucky to have me living in the neighbourhood to step in and help out.

5. To travel around town in more taxis (and avoid the buses completely).

6. To take over Simon’s job.

‘George? I have made a New Year’s resolution’.
Only one Pips?
‘Come here’.
Do I have to? I am just in the midd/
‘Here George’.
All right all right.
‘That’s it. Now George, despite having you in my life, which is fantastic and I don’t think I could possibly love anyone as much as I love you so don’t take this the wrong way, I have decided that I also need to find a man. I don’t want one but I realise I need one. No, I don’t need one, I mean I want one but I don’t need one. No hang on that’s not…. OK well I don’t know what I mean but I just don’t want to be on my own anymore. Well no I’m not on my own because I have you so I’m not on my own, not at all, but…….. oh gosh this is so complicated. It’s stupid but I feel I’m being disloyal to you, betraying you in some way. But anyway… the point is that maybe that woman at Claridges was right about women without children loving their dogs too much. I don’t think there is anything unhealthy about my love for you but I would hate people thinking there was so just in case there is… the thing is, will you help me try and find someone George? Some lovely man who can come and live with us?’
No no no no no no no. No Pips. No can do. Here’s for why. One. Because relationships never last and when it’s over you’ll give me up to Battersea because neither of you will want me due to ‘lifestyle changes’. Two. You’ll be so into whoever he is that I’ll be totally ignored and may as well go to hell. Three. What if I don’t like him because he’s a tosser? And don’t say that you won’t get together with a tosser because Debs was with Steve and he turned out to be ‘a real tosser’ – to quote Debs herself. And Katie called Rupert something similar but worse when they split up. And Four. You will not let me sleep in your bed anymore if I feel like it and I have just decided, right at this moment, that I would prefer to sleep in your bed more often in future rather than in the bookshelf.
‘Thank you George. I knew you would be sweet about it’.
I am not sweet about it Pips. I AM NOT SWEET ABOUT IT!
‘No don’t snap George’.
But I will never leave you Pips. Why is that not good enough?