Hundred and Forty Five

'OK George, I want to meditate now so can you leave your tinkly ball alone otherwise I'm going to take it off you'.
I'm in the middle of playing actually Pips. You should have told me you wanted to meditate five minutes ago before I started because now I'm in mid-flow and it's very difficult to stop. So no.
'George what did I just say to you?'
What did I just to you Pips? You don't understand how ball games work but for your information there is a beginning, middle, and end and right now I am in the middle and my tinkly ball is just driving me CRAZY and/
'OK George that's it. I can't meditate with you careering around the flat after your ball. I warned you'.
NO NO NO NO NO!/
'You can have it back later but right now I need to meditate'.
But Pips/
'Go and sit in your bookcase quietly or something. I just need fifteen minutes'.


Pips? Pips? Pips? What about learning French? I may be able to help you as I used to go to French classes with Katie in Cheam so.... PIPS? PIPS?
'Ssssh George. I'm concentrating'.
Or Pips? You could learn Spanish. And we could perhaps go back to Barcelona and find Conchita and talk Espagnol together HOLA MI BONITA!
'SSSSHHH!'
All right Pips keep your hair on. You were saying you wanted to do a course or something so I'm just throwing out a few suggestions for you to think about while you're meditating. This City Lit brochure is terrific. You should have told me about it/
'George what's that rustling? I don't want to open my eyes. Just stop it whatever you're doing'.
As I was saying, you should have told me about the City Lit before. I could have been doing a course myself. I am sure they would be thrilled to have me. Hey Pips? PIPS? How about a photography course? I could be your muse.
'George I'm going to count to three and I want you to put whatever it is down. You're putting me off. One!..'
Or PIPS? PIPS! I'VE FOUND JUST THE THING FOR YOU! 'BUDDHISM FOR BEGINNERS!'. THEY MEDITATE AND THINGS LIKE THAT/
'Right George, that's it. You're going outside'.
But Pips I'm just looking at some courses for you and NO! NO PIPS DON'T PICK ME UP! PUT ME DOWN!
'All I want is fifteen minutes peace'.
Well excuse me but I thought the whole point of meditation was to bring you peace, not that you have to have peace in order to meditate otherwise what's the poin/
'There you go'.
And there's no need to throw me dow/
'You're staying out here until I've finished'.
And I thought it was supposed to make you calmer and less stressed too. Well I've got news for you Pips. It's not work/

Hundred and Forty Four

'So Philippa, are you back at work?'
'Yes but I decided this week that I should really leave. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of dealing with my boss's string of endless girlfriends who he takes off on exotic tropical holidays and then having to deal with his moods when the relationships don't work out. I'm sure he just sees me as a sad individual who only has her dog for company and I see myself like that too now. I mean I love George but it's not the same thing'.
'No, of course not'.
'I know it probably sounds trivial but organising his Valentine's Day every year, as I always do - booking a restaurant, ordering flowers and all of that just rubs salt in the wound and I end up feeling shit about myself. Really second rate because no-one is doing that for me. And he and George don't get on. I mean I'm grateful to him for allowing me to bring a dog into work because otherwise I wouldn't have been able to get George in the first place but he's always mean about him and George doesn't behave so... but I can't leave. I'm struggling a bit at the moment financially what with no salary increase and the price of everything going up and it'll be really difficult for me to get another job with George in tow. So I'm basically stuck'.
Pips? I am going to show Ms Fields my great money-saving idea which you're not allowed to know about. Pips? Pips!
'What George?'
I am going to show Ms Fields my great money-saving idea. Follow me Ms Fields.
'Look at them go Philippa. At least George and Ruthie seem to get on just fine'.


'What are you doing George?'
The thing is Ms Fields, Pips is on a pay freeze and so we are on a money-saving drive but luckily I am full of money-saving ideas.
'But/?'
I know what you are thinking Ms Fields. You are thinking 'How can digging a hole be a money-saving idea?'
'Exactly George'.
You may well wonder but all will be revealed. Wait... wait... I'm getting there... I'm almost there. You see what a terrific digger I am?
'I can see George'.
It has always been a talent of mine amongst many oth/ Look! LOOK! There we are!
'What?'
Look! There!
'A bulb'.
See? And now I'm going to dig it up because Pips was saying she can't afford to buy any plants for her windowboxes this year and/
'But George someone has planted it here'.
Only Islington Council and Pips pays a fortune in Council Tax, she told me, and what for?
'But she may not want you digging it up'.
She won't mind. It's Terry who doesn't like it but he lacks a sense of humour when it comes to plants. Watch me dig it out Ms Fields.


'I think I'm bored Elliot. I think I'm a bit bored of being me. My life has got into a routine and I'm bored of the routine. And so I'm bored of me'.
'It happens'.
'Does it?'
'Of course'.
'You don't think I'm being spoilt?'
'We all get bored Philippa, really. It's good. It means you have to try something new. What else might you like to do?'
Pips? Pips? Look! I've got a couple of bulbs for your windowbo/ oops! Is that Terry coming? Terry is coming Ms Fields. Quick, turn around and preten/
'Terry! Hi. Happy New Year'.
'Happy New Year. Hey what has George got there?'
Run Ms Fields run!
'George?'
'Has he been digging up bulbs?'
'Has he?'
'GEORGE! COME HERE'.
Let's hide in the bushes Ruthie.
'You just called me Ruthie, George'.
'George I'm coming to get you!'
Uh oh. Terry's coming. I'm going to get a smacked bottom. It's typical it really is. Pips tells me how tight money is so I come up with a money-saving idea for planting out her windowboxes and end up with a smack. No wonder the world is in crisis Ms Fields, no wonder, when it's in the hands of these idiots.

Hundred and Forty Three

'Nice to see Simon is in his usual upbeat post-holiday mood George. I say 'Happy New Year' and all he can manage is 'Is it?' The man has just come back from yet another expensive tropical break while the rest of us have been stuck here in this shitty weather and all he can do is moan as normal. I know it's not going well with Stephanie but there's no need to take it out on us'.
If it makes you feel better Pips, I wiped my dirty paws all over his designer chair first thing this morning as a New Year 'welcome back' and it gave me a special thrill I must say.
'Now he's playing with his new iPad. That's productive'.
The phone's ringing Pips!
'Good morning, Simon Lewis's office.... Hello. .... Yes if you can hold a second I'll just see if he's available...'
Who is it Pips?
'Simon? I've got Lee Pemberton on the line. He wants to speak to you about their last order..... OK. ... Lee?.. I'm afraid he's in a meeting at the moment. Can he call you later?..... Fine. I'll make sure he calls you. Yes. Bye. George no put that down'.
If Simon can play with his iPad then I can play with my tinkly ball/
'George no!'
The phone's ringing Pips!
'Good morning, Simon Lewis's office...... Stephanie! Hi.
It's Stephie. HE'S A TOSSER!
'Sssh George! Sorry about that, I'll just see if Si/.... .... Oh. Right. ... You want me to tell him that?... OK well/ Hello?'
She's just hung up on you again hasn't she Pips?
'Oh dear George'.
'Philippa?'
'Yes Simon?'
'Come here'.
'Coming...... What's...?'
'What are these marks on my chair?'
'What marks?'
'These. Here'.
'I can't really see any/'
'Oh come on. Has your horrible little runt of a dog been up on my chair?'
'No no he doesn't/'
'So it's a mystery then?'
'Er Simon I just have to tell you quickly that Stephanie just called/'
'I don't want to speak to her. I'm in a meeting'.
'I know. But she's um... she's thrown all your stuff out of her flat onto the street'.
'What do you mean?'
Well I hope the homeless are helping themsel/
'No George! You stay out there'.
'She's done what?'
'That's what she said'.
'When?'
'Just now'.
'Has she gone completely mad? I'm at work. What does she expect me to do?'
'I don't know really'.
'For Christ sake. She told you she's chucked it all out on the street?'
'Yes'.
'Shit. I'll have to go down there. I don't know what time I'll be back'.


'I feel a bit sorry for him George'.
There's no need to Pips.
'She sounded a bit unstable'.
The phone's ringing! The phone's ringing!
'Not again. Good morning Simon Lewis's office..... No I'm afraid he's out at the moment. Can I take a message?..... Laetitia?... May I ask what it's regarding? .... OK... Well I'll get him to call you. What's your number?..... Does he? Oh. Right. Well I'll tell him you called... Yes I will. Bye... Who is 'Laetitia' George?'
Laetitia?
'She said it was 'personal' and that he has her number'.
I don't think we should jump to conclus/
'And she's french'.
In that case say no more. French girls are very lovely Pips as I know from my own experience with the adorable Mathilde who I met chasing my ball in the Tuileries and the very lovely Colette who had only three legs and was a terrific girl. She has probably had her prothese fitted by now and is frolicking in the Jardin du Lux/
'OK I don't feel sorry for him anymore. He's a tosser'.
I know.

Hundred and Forty Two

I'm not. No Pips, I'm not. Because I made only one resolution last year which was not to travel on public transport, as you very well know, and yet within two seconds we were back on the number 38 bus which was sickening it really was. So no. But I have a resolution for you.
'Let's have a think for you'.
It's a waste of time even thinking about it Pips.
'What might they be George?'
I'm not interested.
'Well plenty of resolutions are coming to mind. Let's see... my goodness, we're spoilt for choice. Number One has to be to get on the bus without having a tantrum. Secondly, not to play with your tinkly ball while I am trying to meditate. Thirdly, to not turn your nose up at cheaper dog food when I need to save money. What else..? Oh yes, to stop standing in the middle of the DVD shop getting in everyone's way... well basically they're all to do with doing what you're told. In fact they can all be summed up in just one resolution - to behave yourself. What do you think?'
Um... let me think for a second...
'Do you think that behaving yourself could perhaps be this New Year's Resolution?'
Ooh... ah! Can-to-na! Just kidding Pips.
'Yes George?'
No.


Pips? You never asked what resolution I have in mind for you. Pips? Pips? Pips? PIPS!
'Yes! What is it George?'
To stop telling me what to do.

Hundred and Forty One

'George? What's that rustling? What are you up to?'
I've decided I can't wait until the morning to open my present Pips so/
'I hope you're not opening the presents'.
here's my present to you. Happy Christmas.
'What...? OK well I suppose there's no harm in opening just one. Let me switch the light on.... George!'
What?
'It's four o'clock in the morning!'
It's never too early to open presents Pips.
'Well I'm just going to open this one then, no more. Mmm. I wonder what it is'.
You know what it is because you bought it for me to give you.
'Oh look! It's a book!'
I know.
'On meditation. Thank you George'.
You're welcome.
'I'm seriously intending to get into meditation this year'.
I know. And as I told you I think it's overrated but if you want to do nothing for hours on end that is up to you.
'OK George so let me get your pres/ oh! You've found it'.
Well it says 'To George with lots of love from Philippa' on it so it wasn't difficult.
'Do you want me to open it for/ I see. You want to open it yourself. Well that's fair enough. I put it in a little box so/'
A ball with a bell in it! You got me a ball with a bell in it Pips! It was on my wish list! It was on my wish list!
'I thought you would like the tinkle George. Listen'.
Listen to that Pips! I do like it, I really do. It's terrific! Can you throw it for me?
'No we're not going to play with it at four o'clock in the morning. I don't want Margaret or anyone else from the other flats knocking at our door and telling us off for waking them up'.
But I can't wait. The tinkle will make it a thrilling experience, it really will.
'Oh George I wish you wouldn't look at me with that doleful expression. All right, just once. But be quiet'.
Thank you Pips. Oh listen! Listen! Can you hear the tinkle Pips? IT'S TERRIFIC!
'Sssh George. What did I just say to you?'
Look I can catch it and shake it and it's still tinkling!
'Oh God. I hope I haven't made a huge mistake. You're not to play with it while I'm trying to meditate OK?'
Hey Pips! You can chant and I can tinkle and we can dress in orange and wander up and down Oxford Street singing Hare Krishna, oh Ha-re Ha-re/
'Right George. That's enough now. The bloody bell is already beginning to irritate me. It's time to go back to sleep. See you in the morning when we can start Christmas all over again. Happy Christmas George'.
Hare Christmas Pips, Ha-re Ha-re...