Hundred and Twenty

'George why did you have to pee on that bike? That was unnecessary'.
It was made in Germany that's why. And it is the least they deserve for beating our lads. How many more shops do you have to go into?
'Oh I want to go in here George. I think they allow dogs. Let's see..... excuse me? Is it OK for me to bring my dog inside?'
If there is anything to make me feel more wretched about myself than having to listen to you ask if I am allowed in everywhere Pips I don't know what it is.
'OK George, you can come in'.
Can you also make up your mind about what you want to buy because I have had enough of standing around while you decide if you like the colour of something or whether your legs look fat in this or that. And I wish you wouldn't pretend you want my opinion when you never listen to me because you're only interested in listening to yourself. which is typical of people it really is.


'George can you either stand inside the dressing room or out of it. I can't close the curtain'.
Not really Pips because this way I can see you when you ask my opinion and I can also watch the door to see who is coming into the shop.
'George move'.
'Would you like us to look after your dog for you while you try on that dress?'
'Oh! Well yes. Thanks. That would be great. Just don't let him wander off around the shop because he can be a bit destructive sometimes'.
I don't need you to tell others what I can and cannot do Pips if you don't mind.
'What's his name?'
'George'.
'Come here George'.
No.
'Come and sit by the tillpoint with us'.
Why would I want to do that?
'Come on'.
'Go on George'.
DO NOT TELL ME TO GO ON PIPS!! HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF I TOLD YOU TO 'GO ON'?
'Oooh he's a feisty one'.
'George get out of the way of the curtain and go with the nice girl'.
How do you know she's nice Pips?
'I'll be out in a minute'.
A minute my arse! Every time you try something on you take ages/
'Yes mummy won't be long'.
SHE IS NOT MY MUMMY AS IS COMPLETELY OBVIOUS SO DO NOT PATRONISE MY INTELLIGENCE BY TALKING RUBBISH! Don't buy the dress if it's German Pips.


'That will be £59.99'.
I thought we were supposed to be saving money.
'Indulging in a bit of retail therapy following the World Cup?'
'Well...'
'We've had a lot of people in here today doing the same thing. A woman came in earlier and spent a fortune on her husband's credit card. Said she'd earned it because he's been going around like a bear with a sore head these past few weeks'
'I'm not into football so I'm not bothered really. But my dog is. And it's been a stressful few weeks and he's going to get a smacked bottom if he continues the way he's been behaving'.
That terrifies me Pips it really does and I hope the dress isn't made in Germany by the way because it's not coming into my house if it is.
'There you are. Thanks very much. Enjoy the sunshine'.
'Thank you'.
How can we enjoy the sunshine when our boys are out of the World Cup Pips? What is the matter with her?

Hundred and Nineteen

'Hey George! Vive la France!'
'Oh God here we go George. Just ignore them'.
'Allez les Bleus!'
'Did you see they're all flying home second class?'
'Yeah and their coach didn't even shake hands with the South African coach at the end of the match'.
'It's not in the spirit of the game'.
'I think it's disgraceful'.
'Not as bad as Anelka telling Domenech to 'fuck off you son of a bitch'.
'No!'
'That's what he said'.
'They're going home to a government enquiry'.
'Yeah sickbag! Your team's performance has been fantastic. Really magnifique!'


'Good afternoon, Simon Lewis's office, can I help you?...... No I'm afraid he's in a meeting at the moment. Can I take a message?..... I don't know when it will fin/.... Mike Clark? Yes of course, I'll let him know you called. Bye. Good afternoon Simon Lewis's office?...... Oh hi Abbie how are/ What?..... No no it's fine. He's in his office watching the football. He brought his TV in from home. Can you believe it, we've just made a number of people redundant, everyone is on a pay freeze and Simon is watching the football. Sorry I didn't call you back the other day but George has been on a rampage ever since I spoke to you and he's trashed the flat. There isn't one thing that he hasn't chewed, bitten, torn, scratched, shred/.... Why? Because France are out of the World Cup and he's the laughing stock of the office. They can't resist taunting him/ wait a minute, where is he?....... George?... Shit, I've got to go Abbie. I can't see George. He's probably wrecking something. I've got to go. Bye'.


'George! Get out of the stationery cupboard right now! What are you do/ Oh my God what a mess!'
Simon fiddled the draw so he can take/
'What's all this white stuff? Oh no. Is this Tippex everywhere? OK that's naughty George. Come on, out! NOW! I've had enough of this ridiculous behaviour'.
You have no right to tell me how to behave when Simon is a cheat and/
'It's a bloody game for heaven's sake/'
It is NOT A GAME!
'so stop this nonsense right now'.
IT IS NOT A GAME PIPS IT IS NOT A GAME!
'Ssssh! If you don't start behaving you're going to be put on the next bus home just like your team - and on your own too'.
Like I care.
'George come back... George!'
Up yours Pips.

Hundred and Eighteen

It's always the same Pips, it's always the same!
'....so then I went to a cashpoint to get some money out but it wouldn't accept my card although it was accepting it last week - hang on a second - George can you not chew my New York guidebook. I might want to go back there one day - sorry about that Abbie. Where was I? Oh yes and then I went to collect my trousers from the drycleaners and they've lost them'.
It happens every time!
'George no, don't bite the table leg. And then half an hour ago I turned on my computer and now its crashed'.
It's so typical, it's so TYPICAL!
'So I'm having one of those days where I run around achieving nothing - no George, put the cushion down, you'll tear it - and George is in a really destructive mood/ Oops! There's someone at the door. I'll have to go Abbie. I'll call you back. George leave the cushion alone. Let's see who's at the door....... Margaret! Hi. I haven't see you for a while. How are you?'
'I'm very well thank you Philippa but I'm sorry to say that I am a little upset at the level of noise coming from your flat yesterday evening'.
'Gosh I'm sorry..... George and I were watching the football'.
'I don't care what you were doing Philippa, you really must ensure that his barking is kept to a minimum'.
'Well... I try Margaret but he loves watching England play'.
I DO NOT LOVE WATCHING ENGLAND PLAY! THEY CAN'T EVEN PUT TOGETHER A DECENT TEAM WHEN IT MATTERS!
'Ssssh George'.
BUT YOU SAW THAT GOAL PIPS! ANY IDIOT COULD HAVE SAVED IT.
'This is exactly what I mean Philippa'.
BUNCH OF AMATEURS WHO DON'T KNOW WHICH END OF A BALL IS UP/
'Ssssh George!'
'I knew it would be a disaster for there to be a dog living in one of these flats'.
'We're fine Margaret'.
'Cooped up without enough exercise'.
'He gets enough exercise - George no, don't shake the cushion'.
But it's always the same Pips and IT MAKES ME FURIOUS, IT MAKES ME SO FURIOUS!
'George stop it! All the feathers are coming out!'
'Good Lord. I think he's gone mad'.
'No he gets like this when England don't play well'.
'Oh for goodness sake....'

Hundred and Seventeen

'Look, the bus is coming. No George don't sit down, we're getting on the bus'.
It is one thing to tell me you are going to be buying a cheaper brand of food but it is another to mix it with my favourite dinner in an attempt to sneak it in without my noticing.
'All right here we go'.
That is despicable behaviour it really is.
'Let's get on the bus George'.
You should know by now that I have an excellent sense of smell and I know very well when my favourite rabbit or chicken gourmet dinner has been ruined by having cheap rubbish mixed into it.
'Come on George. Don't be stubborn'.
On top of which we are supposed to be saving money by walking to work/
'Quickly! Or we'll be late'.
but oh no, you decide to cut back on the basics like good quality food/
'I don't want to have to pick you up'.
which is completely irresponsible/
'Hey George it's the World Cup Draw at work today!'
No it's not Pips. It's tomorrow.
'Simon's going to be doing it himself at teatime'.
Really? Well you should have said. In that case... But just this once.
'Oh I see, you're coming now are you?'.
ENG-ER-LA-AND! ENG-ER-LA-AND!



'OK everyone so I'm going to pull out your names from this bowl here and Jason is going to be pulling out the teams from the bowl over there. All the match results and the table of who is winning after every round will be pinned up on the noticeboard by the coffee machine. So good luck everyone. Here goes. First up is......... Judith!'.
'Thanks Simon. And Judith's team is...... who screwed up these little pieces of paper so tightly?... OK it's coming... Judith's team is... the USA!'
'OK well we'll all be hoping you lose your first match Judith!'
'They won't win. We'll kick their arses!'
ENG-ER-LA-AND!
'Sssh George'.
'Next up is....... Mahinder'.
He only got his name right because he was reading it Pips, didn't he?
'OK and Mahinder's team is..... Argentina!'
'Yesss!'
'They'd better not think of cheating as usual!'
'All right quieten down everyone. This can't take up the rest of the afternoon, there's work to be done'.
'Boo-ooo'.
'I know, I know, so moving on... The next one out of the hat is...... Nadine!'
'Your favourite George'.
Nadine Nadine with the sparkly shoes.
'OK Nadine. And your team is...... England!'
'Whoah!'
'You go girl!'.
ENG-ER-LA-AND!
'Sssssh George'.
'Next we have....... The Sickbag!'
'Hey it's George's turn!'
'OK George. And your team is..../'
'New Zealand!'
'North Korea!'.
'Outer Mongolia!'
'Oh George they're making fun of you'.
'Come on Jason. Get a move on!'
'I can't undo.. OK no, I've got it. George's team is.... France!'


'I don't know if Mexico are any good so I'm not sure whether I should be pleased or not. But France isn't too bad George'.
I will think of Mathilde and Colette and Bijou when they are playing Pips - all the lovely girls I met on our trip to Paris.
'I can't believe Simon got Brazil'.
I can Pips. He cheated.
'I mean he can't have cheated. We all saw the draw'.
Hey Pips! Since we're walking home can we stop in Bloomsbury Square and play 'fetch' for a while? That would be terrific.
'Are you going to stop your hunger strike and eat your dinner this evening?'
No Pips, because if I do we will both be in la merde.

Hundred and Sixteen

'Philippa can I have a word with you in my office?'
'Oh! Yes Simon, of course'.
Well I'm in the middle of filing at the moment Pips so it's not a convenient time. Ask him what it's abou/
'It'll only take a second'.
'OK. Let me just finish...'.
Oh all right, all right. I suppose I can spare one second although he has no idea how long filing takes. He has no idea.
'So you can leave the sickbag outside'.
'Right'.
Actually I've changed my mind Pips. I can spare as long as it takes.
'No George you're stay/ oh my God what have you been doing? Why do you have to tear everything up? Shit...'
'When you're ready Philippa. And close the door behind you'.
'Yes. Coming! No George you're staying here'.
But I don't feel like staying outside.
'No George'.
But what concerns you also concerns me.
'No George. You stay here'.
But I want to hear what the tosser has to sa/
'Are you coming Philippa? I was rather hoping to have this meeting in 2010'.
'Yes yes I'm just...'
I'm coming too Si/
'No George. NO!'


'OK George this is serious. We need to economise and cut back on our weekly expenditure. Any suggestions?'
We could catch the bus less often Pips.
'What changes can we make to save some money?'
Well, like I said, we could walk to work more.
'What do I waste money on/'
Buses, Pips.
'that we could do without?'
The number 38 bus.
'Something unnecessary'.
THE NUMBER 38 BUS PIPS! THE NUMBER 38 BUS! WHY DON'T YOU LISTEN?
'I suppose I could get up earlier/'
Yes Pips and walk to work more. And we can leave work early and walk home too!
'and make myself a packed lunch instead of buying sandwiches from Pret every day'.
Yes you could do that also but/
'And actually I could buy cheaper food for you'.
Well no wait a minute/
'I know you like your expensive brands but now I'm on a pay-freeze I can't afford it'.
But Pips/
'I know you're fussy/'
Yes I am because I have a sensitive stomach/
'but we're in a situation where we both have to compromise and make little sacrifices/
Sacrifices? Who said anything about sacrifices?
'and you'll get used to it'.
Used to it my arse! I can tell you right now that I may get used to it Pips but my stomach won't. And it will be a false economy by the time you've had to buy a new carpet because I can't help it if cheap rubbish goes straight through me without holding on but if you want a demonstration then so be it. Just don't blame me. JUST DON'T BLAME ME!